Don’t hate me because i’m beautiful, hate me because I am a land baroness, with all the asparagus I can eat 
Try the Eliminator brand “Ground Clear”. It comes in a concentrate and a pint make several gallons. You can get it here at Wal-Mart for about $12 bottle. It’ll kill anything you spray it on and doesn’t contaminate the field or surrounding areas. Just be careful of overspray.
I’ve actually killed bullnettle and beargrass with it. There may be other similar brands but RoundUp ain’t one of 'em.
What’s your address? I have a present to send you. 
Yeah, I know it was – but I’m still convinced it’s the best “straight line that doesn’t actually have a joke” I’ve heard in weeks.
A box of your breakfast cereal?
No thanks
We have UCONN agricultural extension office close by, and when I had racoon problems, the woman there told me it is against Connecticut law to relocate furry animals, because of the rabies factor. The animal might have it and if you relocate it it can spread.
“Well, how do I deal with the damn coons?” I asked.
“Trap them,” she replied, “and kill them. Drown them, shoot 'em, whatever.” She was an ice cold gal.
Ergo, you might want to call animal control to get the poop on your state’s laws.
Anyway, we called in a guy, who brought traps - no bait - took them down the cellar and chased the coons into the trap. Honest. Said he’d take them home and shoot 'em. “Hey, I have a .22, I’ll do it!”
“Nah. I’ll kill 'em,” he said, “and then I’ll dispose of the bodies.”
When the problem recurred and he came back, I got him to admit he was a softie and really didn’t kill the coons. He relocated them. 
OK, Twicks, another straight line looking for a joke…
I just bought a place that has two loaded apple trees. I know one is a Golden Delicious; no clue what the other variety is. How do I know when yellow variety apples are ready to pick? (Reds are a gimmee…)
Oh no, they are…ladybugs. Yes, ladybugs to keep the bugs off you asparagus.
We have animal relocators here, too. Found a home for a baby possum that wandered by. The cat thought we were harboring a rat. 
Other apples are ripe. The apple tree gives off apple smell. It a tree full of apples, eat one. Sour ones are not ripe.
Dear Twickster,
In my neighborhood unpruned, untamed, untended, unwatered lilac bushes abound and each spring they are lush with blossoms.
The one in my yard, which is fertilized, watered, and pruned when necessary, produces about one-tenth as many blooms as an alley lilac of similar size. I want more lilacs, what should I do? (I have several months to work on it. Meanwhile the alley lilacs sit there with no one worried about them at all.)
Sincerely,
Black Thumb
Small update, I finally got two Live Animal traps on Friday. We set them up with old fruit for bait and Saturday we caught and release in a park a very large Groundhog and a medium size Groundhog. The Very large Groundhog was living under my AC Compressor and she has at least one pup. A smallish groundhog, this pup was in the trap this morning and my daughter woke me up to let me know. By the time I got to it, it had snuck out of the trap. I believe the very large one was its mother.
I secured the trap with some cable ties and caught the larger ones later in the day. We went out to eat and visit my sister and when we got home I checked on the trap and there was the little one again with a completely clean Peach pit. It had chewed the cable ties off, clever little bastard, but did not escape this time.
It may have injured its nose a little. It was 10pm, so I added to new Cable-ties, put some various grass and clover into the cage and I hope it is there in the morning. I just was not up to dealing with it at 10pm.
I plan to lookup what they eat, but if anyone knows what it is in the lawn they are eating all the time, please let me know.
Hopefully tomorrow the little guy and his mommy will be reunited at the park.
The young one looked into my eyes with a look I can only describe as “Please don’t make a stew out of me.” I actually told him/her " Don’t worry little guy, be a good little Groundhog and tomorrow I will get you near your mom. "*
Jim {Evil Nazi Groundshog got 5 pieces of old fruit, I got 2 groundhogs relocated and hopefully a little one tomorrow}
*Silly aren’t I
Cool. I hope it works out well.
The little guy is off, free and frisky in the park.
3 down and at least 6 to go.
If things get dull next weekend, we can go groundhog huntin’ …
Well, I’m a softie for small animals.
Is that “varmit shooting”, done at a distance with small caliber, large cartridges?
I’ve often wanted to hit him so that he would fall outside his burrow on Groundhog Day.
Maybe you could do this like the Japanese at Okinawa.
Send a friendly ground hog back in to talk them out. Tell 'em how gret life is in the park.
And if they stay, Twickster will shoot their ass off.
I hope twickster doesn’t mind me answering one of the questions, but this was answered on BBC’s Gardener’s World this week:
One part compost, one part humus, one part sharp sand and two parts rotted leaves. The rotted leaves allow the roots room to grow, the sharp sand helps drainage, the humus allows the plant to aclimatise to any bugs that may be in the soil before being planted out and the compost (from a garden centre) has all the nutrients etc.
Piss on it, or get some cow piss.