I Paid To See Transylmania

What the hell was I thinking?

My kids and I went to see it. I’ll take a bit of the blame for the choice. I’d put this movie on the short list of movies I’d be *willing *to go see. Here’s the thing, there wasn’t a big selection of movies to choose from this week, so I figured this might be a decent diversion. Actually, the only reason I’d included it at all is because I know both my teenagers love spoof movies. I’ve about had enough of the Scary Movie, Teenager Movie, Superhero Movie, ad infinitum spoofs, but I supposed one more wouldn’t kill me.

Unfortunately, *Transylmania *is not a spoof at all. It’s a straight up comedy. It is also just really really really really horrible. It stars no one that I’ve ever heard of, and probably luckily. It is completely unfunny. I think the director may have actually been mentally retarded. The acting is on a par with your average 5th grade drama club. The editing looks like it was done by a one-eyed narcolepsy sufferer with a hook for a hand. And the story may as well have been shat out whole by whichever criminal had the stones to put money up for this “movie” in the first place.

I could explain the story to you but it was so unbelievably stupid that I’ve supressed it from my memory.

There is literally not one funny moment in the whole movie. A couple of the actors I could tell might actually by funny with the right material – the Asian pothead guy and the lead actor dude actually had decent timing – but this movie was a waste.

The only decent part of the experience was when the movie was over, me and my kids sat in the otherwise empty theater and laughed about how bad it was for a good 10 or 15 minutes.

Mostly, I just felt the need to admit that I’d paid to go see this so I can finally let Krippendorf’s Tribe off the list for worst movie I ever paid to see.

Fun fact: Transylmania grossed approximately $272 per screen on its opening weekend. You will probably never again be personally responsible for such a large fraction of a film’s earnings.

In this particular screening, I was responsible for 75% of the take as it was me, my two kids, and one other guy sitting up in the back row. I didn’t even feel bad talking out loud as much as I wanted to.

I usually hate those films, but *almost *went to see this one. There were one or two moments from the trailer that made me smile. I’m glad I followed my instincts though.

Wow…that’s only barely better than the legendarily bad “Delgo,” which earned something like $237. The difference being that I had never heard of Delgo before it bombed, but I saw a preview for Transylmania before release, so there was at least some promotion.

I have to seriously wonder who thought this was a good idea.

It actually sounds better than I thought it would be from the commercial. Based on that commercial, you should have melted into incoherent goo in the theater seat.

And it sits at an unsurprising 0% at Rottentomatoes.com.

You people do realize that Transylmania is essentially National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 3? The first 2 were direct-to-DVD B movies.

I saw the poster for it on my way out of being forced to watch Twilight. I was tempted.

So what did your kids think?

Seeing a bad movie, plus popcorn? Forty dollars.

Bonding with your kids? Priceless!

An article at CNN.com calculated that, based upon BO receipts and the number of screens that showed this one (over 1,000), that there were approx. 2 people in the audience for each viewing of this movie.

If there was any justice, a bomb like this one would result in the writer, director and producer being banned from Hollywood for at least a decade.

I half expect the producers to sign up here for the express purpose of thanking me for the extra 10 bucks.

But none of them can hold a candle to Zyzzyx Road, which famously made a gross of $20. Total. It was shown just six times. In Dallas. For 88 minutes.