I pit It's All About Love

The BBQ Pit
1

So I’m at the video store and see a new movie starring Joaquin Phoenix, Claire Danes and Sean Penn. It’s called It’s All About Love. Some sort of futuristic suspenser. What’s this I thought? Never heard of it before. Sounds suspicious. My bad movie radar is going off. But it’s got Claire in it. My fingers twitch - should I pick it up? I see it’s rated R. Maybe Claire gets naked? Worth a shot I guess.

So Joaquin plays this Polish dude with an on/off accent who is enroute to Canada but stops off in New York to have his wife sign their divorce papers. Claire plays the wife, a famous also-Polish figure skater with the same accent problem. The year is 2021 and people are dropping dead of a strange heart malady. Most affected are the lonely and heart-broken. Joaquin steps over the dead body of one such victim while walking through the airport. Meanwhile there are news reports of a strange loss of gravity in Uganda. Say what?

Joaquin confronts his wife only to discover that she is at the heart of a conspiracy. She wants to retire. This would leave her manager and entourage out in the cold. Since it’s snowing in July and the media are theorizing the advent of a new ice age, I guess they’d literally be out in the cold as well. They’re so desperate to keep their jobs that they’ve cloned Claire. No, make that two clones. No, make that three. Or maybe they’re just surgically-modified doubles? Why do they need three doubles? Who knows? They also plan to kill Claire and Joaquin even though both seem to be afflicted with the aforementioned heart ailment. So a hitman (not Tonya Harding) shows up, but since his wife likes Claire, he kills the doubles (I think that’s the reason) while they and Claire are out practicing on the ice (guess he digs Ronin). How did he know which was the real Claire?

Joaquin, Claire and her hanger-on brother then run off to Canada where they’re stranded in the wilds during a blizzard. Joaquin and Claire kick her brother to the curb and he ends up a popsicle. Claire dies of her heart condition. Joaquin takes her in his arms and I guess he freezes to death. The movie ends with a shot of a bunch of Ugandans floating in the air.

Oh yeah, Sean Penn plays Joaquin’s brother. He spends the entire movie in an airplane* waxing about love. He also has a bad accent.

  • He’s afraid of flying, is given an injection to counter the phobia, but overdoses and can then do nothing BUT fly. Good thing since it’s snowing all over the world and his plane can’t land!
    You know, I like weird but this is just bad weird, not good weird. What a trainwreck.
2

And Claire didn’t get naked. When does Shopgirl come out?

3

I caught it on Sundance, and my thought process was pretty much exactly like yours when I decided to give it a shot.

Thankfully I taped it instead of watching it live. It took me three sittings to slog through it.

But as it turns out, I kinda dug it.

4

This actually sounds interesting. Floating Ugandans you say? Hmmm. . .

Right up there with Purple Rain, it is.

5

Wait, WTF? Why didn’t I hear about this? Looks like Snakes on a Plane has a contender for “must-see film of the year”.

6

I feel for you. I once came across a movie I’d never heard of starring Dave Foley and Jennifer Tilly. How could it be a miss with those two leading the cast, right?

Wrong.

The Wrong Guy, to be precise. Even though through sheer comedic talent they manage a few laughs, the movie was painfully bad.

7

Is it just me, or does Hollywood seem not to have a perfect scientific grasp of cloning?

8

I kinda liked that one, myself.

I also liked Death to Smoochy, The Blue Iguana, One Night at McCool’s… The advantage of liking unpopular films is the DVDs are usually in the $6 bin at Wal-Mart.

9

Ugh… that movie hurt my brain. And let’s not forget how all fresh water on the planet froze, on schedule, and the news media alerted 'em to the timetable. Blah.

10

The real question, to my mind, is: why would you want to see Claire Danes naked? I’m sure there are plenty of movies with shots of topless 10-year-old boys in them that would give you the same basic visual.

11

Don’t project your interest in 10 year old boys onto me.

12

Now that’s just mean. I kinda like small boobs. Poor Claire.

Yeah, that was hilarious. I think you’d need a SERIOUS and very fast drop in temperature for that to happen. :rolleyes:

13

Maybe it was Ice-Nine.

Why did I read this thread?