Well, you never said- do you have feelings for her? Are you going to tell her that during your talk?
I don’t know whether I have ‘feelings’ for her in the traditional sense or if I could tell her that if I did. She said she felt a little uncomfortable with my having called her my “girlfriend” in an offhand conversation last week. I don’t want to scare her off now - if I really am in love with her, i’d rather continue with things as they are now than tell her so and have it end because she’s afraid of commitment.
Does saying that mean I really DO have feelings for her?
Man, this is hard. 
Out of curiosity Smapti, how old are you guys?
Here’s what worries me. Everyone apologizes for hurting each other, but nobody seems intent on changing what is obviously a miserable situation for you. She seems to be sorry for hurting you, yet doesn’t really seem to suggest a solution to the problem. If I cared for someone in her situation and a relationship was out of the question, I’d flat out come out and say it. She seems happy to just kind of keep you around for the moment to see what happens. This isn’t cool.
Believe me, it’s not going to stop. Every day you guys sit there in a holding pattern is just one more day she’s going to have to find some other guy that gets her moist and therein twists your heart in knots.
FUCK IT, dude. This ship has already sailed. It’s now time. Her ending it because you tell her what I think you know is the honest to God truth is fucking light years better than the situation you’re in now.
At the very least laying it all out there is an empowering. No “what-ifs” 8 years down the road. No “shouldas” or “couldas,” if you put it out there and fail then you did your best. Brush yourself off (after a night of heavy drinking) and get on with your life.
No it’s not. Not only that but in 2 years you’ll look back and laugh at how obvious it was.
To be successfully polyamorous, one must stare down the green eyed beast, the one that mocks what it devours, and either tame it, or make it flee.
I was in a roommate situation, FWB, Fred and Kat and I. Kat was in the position of choosing who she wanted to sleep with that night. Which led to subtle rivalry and competion. After some wierdness, Fred left. Then Kat’s husband came back from Germany, and I left. Though Kat wanted me to stay, Hubby wasn’t down with it. That there was a husband was news to me. Humans are wierd critters, indeed.
Did you leave the guy a personal goodbye note on your way out the door?
From the OP
From your last post:
You never expressed any interest in going further than friends with benefits, yet you called her your girlfriend, and you’re debating whether you’re in love with her? Either you lied to us in the OP or you’re lying to yourself. You need to break it off and move out. This isn’t friends with benefits, this is a ticking time bomb – not only because you seem to be on a completely different page in this “relationship” than she, also because she’s doing whatever she wants and you’re struggling to come up with ridiculous reasons why this is a real relationship. This is only going to get worse.
Seriously, move out, get your shit together (as in, build up some self confidence so you don’t let people walk all over you), and get a new girl who you can call your girlfriend and she can call you her boyfriend without any Pit posting involved.
Seriously, if pretty much everyone posting in this thread has told you leaving is the right thing to do, it is the right thing to do. If you don’t see this as outstanding advice then (a) you’re a pussywhipped idiot and (b) you shouldn’t have asked for advice that you’re not going to take.
OUCH!
Here is what you should do:
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Ignore it
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Get her to give you advice on how to be a better lover. Learn to blow her properly.
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Score with other girls
Here is what I would do:
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Go around being depressed, not being able to face her again without a bad taste in my mouth. Try to convince myself that she was noisy just to achieve some goal.
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Do what I always do, only more self-conscious. Still secretly wondering exactly where the clitoris is.
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Try to score with other girls, in vain.
Also, Slacker, Stranger on a Train and Brazil84 gave good advise.
´
Ok. You know, he might just have been big. Not sure if that makes it better for you. 
Well, Smapti, you’re either a troll or a tool, and if the latter, I hope to God you’re younger than 24, otherwise, there’s no excuse for this stupidity.
So you’ve been exclusively seeing someone for two years who’s not interesting enough to go to another level with? And she hasn’t been exclusive with you? Lame. If the relationship is so open, why not play around?
How could everything seem hunky-dorey when you’ve been fucking her and no one else for two years and she didn’t just say, “Hey, move in, we’ll share the rent and get a spare room out of it”? Doesn’t the fact that she treated you as a subletter tell you something crucial about her affections for you?
Wait, you don’t have a relationship, remember? You just fuck from time to time, just like she did with Scott.
Yeah, well, roommates can be inconsiderate like that. It’s no big deal, you pound on the wall, say “Pipe down, I’m trying to sleep here!”
That’s pretty much why I never went in for the “open relationship” deal when I was dating, and in general why committed, exclusive couples don’t spend time talking to each other about how each other compares with former lovers.
I mean, I’m sure you already knew by the fact that in two years the relationship has never gone anywhere and she treats your moving in like a business deal that she doesn’t find you particularly exciting and is just marking time, but to have your nose rubbed in it like that must have really sucked. Good thing you’re not serious about the relationship either.
Wait a minute, I thought it was 1:30 in the morning, after you were so tired after getting home at 10:30 that you didn’t even socialize? How is she supposed to know perfectly well that…
Oh, wait a minute. You sat in your room and listened to them and made all sorts of loud sighing and thumping noises to indicate your wakeful state, in the hopes that they’d hear and stop, didn’t you? Then, when that didn’t work, you stomped loudly out of your room, dragging blankets and pillows as loudly as you could, right? Is that how she was supposed to know, you pussy?
And once she kept going when you were sure she knew, you decided it was some sort of consipiracy against you, rather than simply her just enjoying some top-shelf man-meat, right?
Dude, in the two years you’ve been boinking her, she’s been doing other guys and now she’s subletting to you. Where in all this did you get the impression that she had any consideration for you as anything other than something to plug herself up with when she’s bored? You said you were happy with this state of affairs, what gives?
Well, I haven’t been dumb enough to put myself in this situation, but here’s my advice:
You don’t want her fucking other guys. And you haven’t said it in two years. Which means you’re not even honest with her.
So tell her, to her face, that you don’t want her fucking other guys while you’re living there. Be honest. The best thing that could happen is that she kicks you to the curb, and you can move on with your life, having no more misconceptions about what the last two years was all about.
The worst thing that could happen is that she dislikes the idea of having to find a new living dildo enough to humor you and pretend to make a go at a more serious relationship with you. You’ll wind up ten times as hurt as you are now.
I wonder if the roommate whose place you took moved out because he was sick of her loud nocturnal activities…
Regarding the clitoris, even if you don’t have a copy of Gray’s Anatomy, The Joy Of Sex, or Our Bodies Ourselves[sup]*[/sup] at hand, the Wikipedia article on the topic has a good illustration. It’s not that hard to find. Figuring out what to do with it, on the other hand, can be a bit of a trick, as responses vary widely from woman to woman, and many women seem…embarassed…to tell you what they like and don’t like up front.
I can’t help you with the other points, though. I’d probably just break the whole thing off, move out in the dark of the night, and going into seclusion with a bottle of Black Bush and a volume of Blake.
Dude, she has you on a leash and is making you walk her path every step of the way. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend,” is generally chick code for “I want to keep you heeled without giving up or committing to anything.” (Note, before the perhaps astute accusations of misogyny fly, I’ve seen guys do the same thing, but in a more consciously manipulative way; with most women, I get the impression that they believe it even when it’s clearly nonsense.)
Let me put it to you this way; say you and a (male) friend were both both angling for an attactive girl, and he bests you in friendly competition for her affections, and then proceeds to make out with her at length and exceptional volume in the next room. You’d feel that, perhaps, he was not quite the friend you thought he was, at least insofar as not rubbing your inadequacy in your face. I doubt you’d put up with this sort of thing from a male buddy. In fact, you might be inclined to tell him off, or play Black Flag songs at top volume, or maybe (if you’re young and stupid) punch him in the face.
Of course, you (I assume) wouldn’t be fucking your male friend, either, so you wouldn’t have this whole “I hate him for what he did to me/he makes me insane/but I want to have hot sweaty sex and make babies with him,” thing going on, either. Jealousy is an evolutionary strategy to ensure that the offspring that you protect actually carries your genes; the fact that this is supposed to be all in fun and casual carnality and not about procreation doesn’t negate the fact that you’re hardwired to be pissed about not being the only one inseminating her (metaphorically; I assume and/or hope you’re using barrier protection).
It’s your time; if you want to stick with her and watch the clock hands spin around while she feeds you a line about wanting to keep you as a friend and then goes around with other lads (and she will) then that’s your business, but personally I’d move out and keep her at arm’s length, investing no more friendship/emotions/whatever into her than she is in you. I’d guess that you’re better of finding what you want–whatever that is–someplace else, with someone who doesn’t leave you feeling kicked in the gut. But hey, as far as I can tell, the purpose of life is to make one mistake after another, and then bemoan it to your friends, so if you want to do that thing, go for it.
Stranger
[sup]*[/sup]Yeah, guys, you should get over your squeamishness and insecurity and just read it. Once you get past the underlying feminist perspective you’ll realize that there’s a hell of a lot of good information here that’ll let you understand why she seemingly goes insane at random intervals, and plus you’ll amaze the hell out a woman by actually knowing how the lady bits work and their underlying functions. You’ll also appreciate how much shorter and easier the manual for the male human body is in comparison, and thus be thankful for being a guy beyond just being able to pee standing up.
What a mess. Really.
Dude
You keep referring to her as a “friend with benefits,” and deny any notion of a relationship. Oh, wait! You’ve actually referred to your friends-with-benefits-thing as an “intimate relationship.”
Then she apparently meets her androganger and fucks him. Loudly. In the room next to you, where she really knows that you’ll hear all of it.
And then you get all wonky about it. And then she apologizes? And then you both act all warm? You both acted as if you were being monogamous, and she basically apologized for pseudo-cheating on you.
This will not end well.
But the wreckage will be pretty to look at.
If its just casual, why not go out and pick up some woman off some chatroom, have her fly down cross-country, and return the favor in your bedroom? Petty/selfish? Definitely, but I agree with others who say you’ve put yourself in a bad situation.
I was only in one truly ‘casual’ sexual relationship in my life. It was with ‘cruise ship girl’ (met her on a cruise). CSG said she just wanted a fling. I was fine with that. Then she shared more about her, through the week I discover she’s got some online beau that she’s going to meet when she gets home and someday marry. This was kind of jarring for me because she didn’t seem to have any problem screwing my brains out the whole week. Suffice to say I got kind of weird/clingy as a result but the GOOD NEWS was when the cruise was over we said good-bye and never saw each other again. And I got over it and had a few somewhat less screwed-up relationships.
BY living with this woman you’re putting yourself in an ugly place. I say you should move out, be more assertive about how you feel and honest. If that pushes her away so the feck what. Don’t put your own sanity on the line.
Did everyone but me miss the update post, or did I just hallucinate that?
So, you talked to her and told her it hurt you and she apologized and said you’ll talk more later about what label the two of you want to use for your relationship. Plus, she mentioned that contrary to what you thought, she HASN’T been fucking other guys for the last two years even though you had no exclusivity agreement with her, and this was a one time thing she kinda sorta regrets, or at least doesn’t intend to repeat.
Dude, you just hit the fucking relationship jackpot! If what you’re writing is true, you might as well go out and buy a ring. She’s crazy in love with you and has been afraid for two years that she’s just assisted masturbatory material for you. Girl apologizes for pissing you off when it was all your lack-of-communication fault in the first place? Marry her. Seriously.
Yes, Smapti, you should immediately go out and get married to a woman whose method of dealing with communication problems and ambiguity in relationship is to have loud anal sex with an almost complete stranger in the next room.
If you’re a character in a Monty Python skit, that is.
Stranger
Are you being serious? Really, WhyNot, you need to get unlaid, and to get a healthy dose of misogyny.
This is good advice for any situation. 
All this thread proves is that there are many people on this board who should resist that urge to read threads dealing with relationships. Mind you, every relationship thread here does that.
No, we talked it over, over the course of day or so, as I made my preparations to leave. He understood I was there, at his wife’s invitation. I understood that he wasn’t happy with his wife’s multiple invitations, and that my staying would be uncomfortable to say the least. She was still hoping to have us both. He and I decided unless it was unanimous, it was a no go.
I don’t think WhyNot’s advice is all that off the mark, Stranger. Dee may not have been totally up front if she had loud sex with the internet buddy to gauge Smapti’s reaction, in whole or in part. But he wasn’t being upfront about how his feeling were developing. Instead of hustling them off toward the altar, instead I’d advise the OP that there seems to be hope, if he’s looking for a more, or totally exclusive relationship with Dee. More exclusive seems like moderating absolute adjective, but I know couple’s who are primary pairs, married even, but have close friends they are intimate with. Miles away from being swingers, but not monogamous, either. But they know to whom they’re going home. ‘It don’t matter where you have lunch, so long as you come home for dinner’. As the wise woman says.
This sounds like the guy advice version of that fucked up girl thinking: “I know! I’m going to go off birth control and get pregnant, so then the guy HAS to stay with me!”
Well done, sir, for inventing an equally disastrous piece of advice for the male of the species. Some said it couldn’t be done, but then, those people never met WhyNot.