I pit the salivary gland stone in my face.

Maybe it’s the Amoxicillin, but thinking about you makes me queasy. You’re despicable, a goddamn disgrace and a total jerk. You exist only to make Murphy’s Law a reality. I’d tell you to eat me or die in a fire but I’m afraid it’d be tempting fate.

When I first noticed signs of you at the gym I thought nothing of it, you sneaky little bastard. “So what if one side of my jaw doesn’t like being jarred when I run? I’m such a hypochondriac. What, clenching my teeth when I lift a weight hurts? I shouldn’t be making a habit of it anyway, I’ll wear the enamel off. Now handstands are a problem? Must be a cavity.” Little did I know you were slowly forming in my unsuspecting saliva gland, just waiting to throw a wrench into my life. “It hurts to put pressure on a swollen spot halfway down my jawline? Must be a pimple.”

You knew I have metal plates screwed into my jawbone on each side, didn’t you? Of all the glands you could’ve picked, you just had to pick the one buried in scar tissue from the same surgery the fuckin’ plates are from, which not only makes having surgery to remove you more likely, but more cocksucking complicated to pull off. Goddamn you, you evil genius.

First you had me thinking you must be a problem with the plate. You know, the one that you decided to form right on top of so some poor med student could get the shit scared out of her thinking I’m having complications from a fracture that happened six years ago. You had to go and block my carotid duct so the whole thing swells up, and so now she’s causing me a fuckoad of pain poking and pressing around looking for you and she can’t find you because the swelling’s so thick. You did that on fucking purpose.

Judging by the look on her face, she probably swore off practicing medicine as soon as I was out of earshot. I should add that Random Squeamish Medical Student is very attractive, and based on the three or four times I’ve seen her before, I’d’ve had a chance with her if you hadn’t traumatized her so much.
So now I’m supposed to milk the duct by pushing on the sore spots, which hurts like a bitch, and eat sour things, which also hurts like a great big queen bitch. And I’ll do it 'til I pass out or something, too, just for the chance of tossing you out on your ass once and for all.

You patient little prick, you waited until exactly the worst possible time to stake your claim. That was intentional, wasn’t it? You sadistic little sentient motherfucker. As I prepare to leave town in two days to go puppysit in the middle of nowhere for ten days, you decide, “Hey, she’ll be four hours away from any hospital! Time to be a dickhead!” With my luck you’ll explode or someshit at 2am one night and imbed shards all up in the inside of my cheek, and I’ll get up and stagger 25 cocksucking minutes to the nearest neighbour, clutching my face the whole damn time, then she’ll have a motherfuckin’ heart attack on the highway as she attempts to drive me to emerge because you can probably supernaturally sense that she’s in her 70’s and has had one before.


Wonderful Pitting!

clutches jaw in sympathy and wanders off moaning

My condolences, Imago. Coincidentally, my stepson is just now recovering from a salivary stone. Last week he said, “Huh, my jaw is hurting,” and you could literally see it swelling. He went to the doctor the next day when the pain got too much and they put him in the hospital because by that time his lower face looked like someone had used a bicycle pump on it.

He too was the object of much wonderment from the residents, each of whom needed to give his jaw a poke and a prod. They put him on antibiotics and Dilaudid (yeah, the pain was really that bad) for about 3 days until the swelling went down. In the meantime, he couldn’t eat and could only swallow with pain. He passed the stone (about the size of a grain of sand) about two days ago. And, TMI warning, he says that he’s still getting some kind of leaking from his parotid gland that tastes like saline.

So, yeah, I feel for you. Here’s hoping that they got you on antibiotics soon enough to head it off at the pass.

How weird is that? I’ve had a kidney stone, but I’ve never heard of a saliva stone. What’s it made of?

Well thank you!

Thanks for the heads-up! That’s seriously uncool. Glad he passed his.

Random Med Student didn’t say, so I googled it when the pain meds kicked in. Internet says calcium, but that there’s nothing like increased blood levels of calcium or dietary patterns or anything to explain why they form. My theory? Malice. :wink:

You have my condolences and also my approval for a fine, high-quality rant.

I can sympathize. I used to have problems with salivary stones. One sort of popped halfway out of the skin underneath my tongue. That one didn’t hurt, and it stayed lodged until it finally came out on its own some monmths later. Another did hurt while I was living in Honolulu, so bad that I had to rush to the hospital in Hilo during a trip to the Big Island and have it cut out. But then they stopped.

Great pitting. You should still ask the med student out.

Sounds like the same reason they gave me for why I have calcium deposits along a tendon in one shoulder. Ain’t modern science wonderful? :dubious:

A few months ago I had similar symptoms, eventually diagnosed* as “either a salivary stone or an infected parotid gland.” They gave me the absolutely foulest-tasting antibiotic in their inventory, and the problem soon went away. So it probably wasn’t a stone, but I suppose it could just be a stone that I can’t feel due to the infection clearing up, and it’s waiting to spark reinfection later.

*Heh. Diagnosis was fun – called my dentist and an oral surgeon, to ask if it might be a wisdom tooth. Both of them kept saying “So, it’s a wisdom tooth?” and “Come in and we can take that sucker out,” and I kept correcting them. “I don’t KNOW what it is. I’m not QUALIFIED to diagnose it. Isn’t that what YOU’RE supposed to do?” Finally the oral surgeon X-rayed me and came in with the X-ray and said, “So, you’re sure it’s a wisdom tooth. But you don’t even have one in that place!”

Bravo! (for the rant)

I have a recurring problem with one of my salivary glands, too! It’s happened like four times in the last year. It absolutely SUCKS! You can’t enjoy eating, because the whole side of your face is swelling up and hurting like a motherfucker. By the time it goes down some, it’s time to eat again.

Massage, a heat pack, and eating sour things are the only treatments I’ve found that work. When it first started happening, my doctor diagnosed an ear infection. The antibiotics did nothing, of course. I did call the doctor up and report what I self-diagnosed it.

I know about the sudden release of saline-like fluid. It’s actually a huge relief when that happens.

I can’t imagine the pain you must have if your duct is under scar tissue! Does it actually come to the surface? If not, you’re in for a world of hurt. Good luck to you.

Ouch. I’ve never heard of this either. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Er, does what actually come to the surface? The scar tissue does… The stone doesn’t. The duct is able to deliver saliva to my mouth, or it was when it wasn’t clogged, so that must reach the surface.

That’s what I meant - does the duct deliver saliva into your mouth.

I hope the clog clears soon.

Phew. Ya had me worried there.

I’ve looked at some salivary gland stone videos on YouTube.

Wow, those things can really pop! That’s more fascinating than a tonsil stone!

Another note on my own salivary stones. That first one I mentioned, the one that stayed stuck halfway out for a few months. Some dentists don’t seem familiar with these. This stone started while I was living in Albuquerque. I asked a dentist about it, and neither she nor her assistant had a clue, but they didn’t think it was serious, as in fatal. This was a public dentist I went to because I was poor at the time. Happy but poor. All you needed to show was a utility bill as proof of residency, and your treatment was free or at minimal cost.

Now, I don’t want to dis medical personnel who dedicate themselves to helping the poor, and this dentist treated my main problem I was there for very skillfully. And she did recommend someone who might be able to tell me more about it, but I just blew it off since she seemed so sure it was not serious. But then I moved to Honolulu for school, and by that time I had insurance. When it popped out there, I took it to a doctor at a medical center, and he identified it right away.

Later, the one I had to have removed in the Hilo emergency room knew what it was too. That one hadn’t protruded at all and was really causing me serious pain, so much that I almost could not drive for fear of passing out.

But some dentists don’t seem to know about these at all.