Maybe it’s the Amoxicillin, but thinking about you makes me queasy. You’re despicable, a goddamn disgrace and a total jerk. You exist only to make Murphy’s Law a reality. I’d tell you to eat me or die in a fire but I’m afraid it’d be tempting fate.
When I first noticed signs of you at the gym I thought nothing of it, you sneaky little bastard. “So what if one side of my jaw doesn’t like being jarred when I run? I’m such a hypochondriac. What, clenching my teeth when I lift a weight hurts? I shouldn’t be making a habit of it anyway, I’ll wear the enamel off. Now handstands are a problem? Must be a cavity.” Little did I know you were slowly forming in my unsuspecting saliva gland, just waiting to throw a wrench into my life. “It hurts to put pressure on a swollen spot halfway down my jawline? Must be a pimple.”
You knew I have metal plates screwed into my jawbone on each side, didn’t you? Of all the glands you could’ve picked, you just had to pick the one buried in scar tissue from the same surgery the fuckin’ plates are from, which not only makes having surgery to remove you more likely, but more cocksucking complicated to pull off. Goddamn you, you evil genius.
First you had me thinking you must be a problem with the plate. You know, the one that you decided to form right on top of so some poor med student could get the shit scared out of her thinking I’m having complications from a fracture that happened six years ago. You had to go and block my carotid duct so the whole thing swells up, and so now she’s causing me a fuckoad of pain poking and pressing around looking for you and she can’t find you because the swelling’s so thick. You did that on fucking purpose.
Judging by the look on her face, she probably swore off practicing medicine as soon as I was out of earshot. I should add that Random Squeamish Medical Student is very attractive, and based on the three or four times I’ve seen her before, I’d’ve had a chance with her if you hadn’t traumatized her so much.
So now I’m supposed to milk the duct by pushing on the sore spots, which hurts like a bitch, and eat sour things, which also hurts like a great big queen bitch. And I’ll do it 'til I pass out or something, too, just for the chance of tossing you out on your ass once and for all.
You patient little prick, you waited until exactly the worst possible time to stake your claim. That was intentional, wasn’t it? You sadistic little sentient motherfucker. As I prepare to leave town in two days to go puppysit in the middle of nowhere for ten days, you decide, “Hey, she’ll be four hours away from any hospital! Time to be a dickhead!” With my luck you’ll explode or someshit at 2am one night and imbed shards all up in the inside of my cheek, and I’ll get up and stagger 25 cocksucking minutes to the nearest neighbour, clutching my face the whole damn time, then she’ll have a motherfuckin’ heart attack on the highway as she attempts to drive me to emerge because you can probably supernaturally sense that she’s in her 70’s and has had one before.
Well FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!