I pit the stupid housewife study

The BBQ Pit
41

It’s not that any of the particular tasks is difficult, I agree with Jess on that. It’s that it never.fucking.stops. NEVER.

I happened to check the clock yesterday. Four minutes. That’s how much of a “break” I got. Try being interrupted every 4 minutes by someone’s need or crisis (food, potty, test a limit, want some water, toy’s lost, explain why, potty, kids are fighting, need a hug, want a band aid).

MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA ALL.FUCKING.DAY.LONG.

I do have easy afternoons now and then, sometimes a whole spell of them. And then someone gets sick, and the whole thing’s out of whack. Up at night, whining all day. I don’t know how working moms do it, I really don’t, dragging themselves in after attending to children at all hours. As hard as it is being a SAHM, being a WOHM would be even worse, as far as I’m concerned.

In the 10 minutes it took me to type this, the kids came in to see me 4 times. One of them is whining at my knee right now, the other one is marching around the room blasting away at a “musical” toy (which apparently she stole from him).

It’s the biggest privilege ever to have kids. We are truly, profoundly blessed.
And it just about drives me batshit.

42

That’s what pisses me off about this study. I’m a working mom. Yeah, it’s tough, but it’s what I signed up for when I decided to become a parent. I don’t expect extra accolades or stupid studies trying to value my time for more than it’s worth or a fucking medal.

Being a parent is HARD WORK no matter what you do. I don’t particularly enjoy trying to squeeze in housework at night when I get home (like last night, when I got a bug up my ass to vacuum the whole house because I found several ants in the house - even though I know it happens when the weather starts to warm up every year) or squeezing in most of our family time on the weekends or not just being able to pack up my kid whenever i feel like it and go visit my parents like my SAHM friend - but I know she doesn’t particularly enjoy having a husband who has to work overnights sometimes to support them, so she gets primary nighttime duties ALL THE TIME. But it’s what you do. I certainly don’t consider myself a better mom than anyone just because I work, and I would hope that SAHMs would have the same respect for me. I consider myself a good parent because I love my kid, and I try to do what’s best for him.

All this kind of study does is cause a rift in the already-wide gap between most WOHMs and SAHMs. And it drives me fucking nuts because now we get the ‘oh-so-saintly’ holier-than-thou bitches coming out of both sides.

E.

43

THAT’s exactly what I meant by physically exhausting. Sitting behind a desk been insulted by customers and pushed around by your boss drains your chi, but heck this kid can knock me out at the end of the day. But it would be much worse if I had to do it and also work (again, I work from home, at my own pace, which means staying late at night and so); I think I would have just gone crazy.

Since my husband is a semi-absent parent (very dedicated when he’s here) it works great for us. The hardest part besides the physical exhaustion is sometimes the lack of stimulation to our brains, who leads to crazy people like a friend of mine who has redesigned herself into the shape of a martyr, and I am convinced is just batshit crazy. Luckily I have my job to keep the old gray cells from turning to mush.

And ASAKMOTSD, thanks. Matter of fact I have just reminded myself to tell my husband again this afternoon how much I appreciate his sacrifice. I am lucky to have found the best husband in the world… sorry about you girls.

44

…Male prostitute.

:smiley:

45

I don’t find being a SAHM exactly easy–I’m not a good housekeeper (thus the slob reform club participation), it’s difficult for me to deal with MAMA MAMA MAMA all. day. long, and there’s always more to do than I can handle. I piled homeschooling on top of the job, so I picked a version that takes more time and organization and has no downtime, but it’s a lot of fun and we prefer it that way (also I’m getting a good education!).

OK, few of the tasks I do require years of training (that’s why I got a master’s in library science, not momming), but there are a whole lot of them and I do have to know how to do each one and figure out how to get through them all. The variety is one of the perks, and the little bits of knowledge I need to handle all that variety has taken me years to accumulate–I’m still learning. And when I know how to run a house and family perfectly, I can always start on beekeeping–there’s no end to what I could do.

But I have no idea how I would survive working full-time. I would probably collapse from exhaustion. When do you do the grocery shopping and housework? (As it is, I grocery shop at 9pm.) When does a WOHM ever get some time for personal interests and hobbies? I can at least carve out a little time for sewing, and can read books some of the time. When do you have relaxed family time? It seems to me that evenings and weekends would be entirely spent on errands and chores.

I like SAHMing because I can function as the anchor, so to speak. I keep track of things, and try to make a calm(ish) center for our family lives. I don’t seem to have a problem with brain-mush–it’s just that it’s up to me to take care of my own mind. This is the most self-directed job around–I can decide what to do, how and when to do it, and arrange my life accordingly. I like the independence and the fact that we can have family time without running around all the time, and I think our lives are, overall, simpler and easier to deal with this way. I wouldn’t do well with the constant full-time scheduling and running that double-income families seem to require. I guess that’s also partly why I chose homeschooling–more independence, less scheduling around others’ calendars.

So while I would never say that SAHMing is easy, I do think it’s not as hard as being a double-income family. And I think the study is dumb, unrealistic, and patronizing–because it pats us on the head and says, “look, you do have worth!” I know perfectly well that my job is important and worthy, I don’t need people telling me so, especially when they obviously don’t really think it or they wouldn’t have this dumb study.

46

Both situations definitely have their pros and cons. As a mom who works out of the home, scheduling is the biggest struggle. When we’re at home, most of our attention is focused on our son if he’s awake, then doing chores when he’s asleep. I rarely ever get down time except for maybe a half hour to an hour on the weekends because my priority once our son is in bed, errands are run, chores done is hanging out with my husband. It can get frustrating since I used to be a freelance writer and would like to continue to write, but have no time to do so.

A close second difficulty for me is guilt. My mom doesn’t approve of me working outside the home and my husband would prefer I didn’t, too. However, since I take care of all the child-related expenses (childcare, clothing, food, doctors visits, etc.) plus a few household expenses, my husband doesn’t have a good handle on how expensive it is having a kid. We could probably get by with me at home, but it would be difficult at best. Plus, I like working. At the moment, I’m looking for something as challenging, only part time, so I can spend more time at home. But for now, what I do works.

I guess my point is, depending on who you are, both situations can be equally difficult or easy. I can’t imagine being a stay-at-home mom. By the time my maternity leave ended, I was all but crawling up the walls and exhausted most of the time. Either situation is what you make it.

47

According to this the current global market rate seems to have dropped to $50. :smiley:

48

I can go with that.

OK, I totally understand what you’re saying about maternity leave, but you should know that staying at home with kids is not the same thing as having a newborn in the house. If it was, the species would be extinct! :slight_smile: I don’t know how long you had maternity leave, but it gets easier after about 3 months, and much easier after 6. Now that my youngest is 4, I can barely remember what it was like to have an infant around, and it’s completely different. Also I usually get a full night’s sleep these days, which is nice.

49

The other thing that’s stupid about the whole “Mommy Wars” business (linked from the linked article) is that these days, I think only a miniscule subset of SAHMs don’t work AT ALL. Nearly everyone’s doing something to earn a few bucks and get out of the house.

The variety of part-time jobs is amazing - everything from selling hand-made items on eBay to taking on freelance computer design. There are dozens of ways of being a “Sales Consultant” (makeup, books, toys, food, lingerie, sex toys). I worked at an art show today, it was a blast & now I feel quite refreshed.

Mommies bitching about other mommies, it’s just a grown-up version of Queen Bees and Wanna Bees, people wanting to gossip and carry on. Some people don’t outgrow that phase, but plenty of others do.

And it isn’t fair to discount the work that daddies do, either; we expect a lot more from men than our mothers did (and we’re more active in our children’s lives than our mothers were) (which may or may not turn out to be a good thing). I DO think it’s appropriate that my husband does a few chores.

50

From the sounds of what they are quoting $140,000 would be the price to hire professionals to serve those capacities. Most professional anythings are paid between 15-30% of the bill rate. So a professional mom should earn something betweeen $21,000-$42,000/yr running with their numbers.

51

Yes, I had a blast. Sewed all of my kids clothes made a cutesy pie home, the whole 9 yards.

And yes, I know the women of whom you speak. I really really HATE them. They are the reason so many men are afraid of marriage, they make we hardworking loving “good” ones disappear into the woodwork.

52

During the early years, when I was a Single WOHM (working out and at home mom?), it sucked. I didn’t yet have an education or a career, so I did a lot of really physically demanding on my feet all day type jobs. My feet are still screwed up 20 years later.

But even my much beloved current career in the environmental industry (not a bunny hugger an actual investigates and cleans up the environment person) is more demanding physically and mentally than being an SAHM.

Though TONS more pschologically rewarding. Kids are awesome, but yes as you said they can drive you completely insane (and you don’t always become sane after they grow up! :D), yes it’s rewarding raising them to be responsible adults (and then they give you that first grandbaby wooo HOOO), but it’s the kind of rewarding that is completely selfless. You know you’re doing a good job, but you don’t really get any kudos or acknowledgement.

Out here in career land, it’s just the opposite, my bosses and coworkers are constantly embarrassing me by telling me how awesome I am in X project or whatever.

I have to admit, that is the one thing I missed and was the one thing that made being a SAHM hardest (at least for me. And that was the lack of adult interaction and being thought of as competent and occasionally “awesome” by adults in my career field. I tend to myself by what I do, (and do well), rather than my role as a wife or mom, so that part was extra hard for me.

53

During those years when I was a working mom? I tied everything all in together, parenting and passing on of important values is done while driving anywhere, likewise “girl to girl” talks. And how? Diet Mountain Dew. Essential to survival. :smiley:

As to the time, it’s really not all that hard. You just plan out your chores and do them in the most time and movement efficient way (crucial for me with my feet so messed up all of the time), not to mention do them FAST! We didn’t watch very much TV, you’d be surprised how much you (collective you, not YOUyou) can get done with little to no TV.

Plus, lucky me, I worked nights. I would drop my daughter off at my mom’s house and put her to bed. Then I’d go to work. My mom would drop her off at school in the morning on her way to work. I’d sleep about 4-6 hours while my daughter was at school and she’d wake me up when she got home.

All of the housework got done between the time she woke me up and I had to take her to my mom’s. Shopping? Sometimes we’d do it on the way to grandma’s but mostly I’d do it in the morning before “coffin time”.

Back then I sewed my daughter’s clothing. That, to me was fun and getting a chore accomplished all tied into one. I’ve been sewing since I was 16 and I’ve always liked it a lot. Plus it’s useful and economical.

We had weekends be family time and went to the movies or the park or something. I even had time to go out dancing with my friends a little on weekends.

54

I don’t think it hurts at all to be reminded of the value of the contributions that women make at home. Keep in mind that it hasn’t been so long since they did not receive social security credit for their contributions to the household.

What if instead of a woman, each household kept a slave to do the exact same work? Don’t pay the slave anything, of course. In fact, brainwash the slave into thinking that it’s nonsense to think that he or she is of any real value in this household capacity. (Real work is always done outside of a home.) Now how would you feel about devaluing the work of this person?

Well, being a teacher is tough too. That’s what I signed up for when I decided to become a teacher. But I didn’t resent carefully drawn studies which showed legitimate descriptions of the work that I did and responsibilities that I had. I didn’t protest when someone pointed out the value of my contributions.

Do you think that being a lawyer is more important, more valuable than being a mother? I don’t. They don’t make medals big enough for really good parents.

What a strange husband for the 21st Century! Does he not have parenting skills? Does he not cook and clean? Do he and his wife not share financial concerns and plan trips together? Are women allowed to vote in your country? Do they have to wear burkas when they walk in their husband’s gardens?

Feminists respect a woman’s work whether it is at home or outside the home. I have never heard a reasonable explaination of why women working in both or either capacities should not be respected.

55

Some feminists do. I’ve known many who do not. ‘Reasonable explanations’ don’t always have much to do with it; there are plenty of people who have a visceral contempt for those of us who choose to stay home, and consider us traitors to feminism, without much in the way of reason.

Here’s a recent example of a self-proclaimed feminist who proudly despises women who stay home. Obviously I think she’s completely wrong, but quite a few others agree with her.

56

Well, I think I see what you’re saying (maybe), but I don’t think that I am brainwashed into thinking that my work is valueless in our household. My husband and I are equal partners and we each work hard to maintain our family. My work is of great value. The problem with the study is not that it points out that household work is valuable; it’s that it overinflates the monetary side to a ridiculous degree, so that it ends up being patronizing lip service instead of real appreciation. Which I guess is one of my main problems with Mother’s Day anyway. If we had a consistent message in our society that moms, and dads, and families are important, I’d be a lot happier with that than with what we’ve got now–which is a lot of talk but very little substance.

57

WOHM:

Like SAHM’s the job gets a lot easier once the kids hit about four. Until then I cheated and had a housekeeper.

Grocery shop - Sunday mornings are wonderful - leave the kids with their Dad and in and out fast.

Personal interests and hobbies - my husband is in charge when I go to bookclub or have to go to class or want to do something else. I don’t have a lot of “crafty” type hobbies - baked a little pre-kid, but that was about it.

Relaxed family time: Almost all the time when the kids are home. Our house is a little cluttered and we could spend more time in the yard - but we don’t. We’d rather hang.

58

The majority of self-proclaimed feminists I’ve met show a huge disdain for the stay-at-home mom. I recall a party I went to - a friend of mine had recently chosen to stay at home with her child, who had had health issues from birth. She was described as just a SAHM and those women who identified themselves as feminists made it a point not to engage her in conversation once they understood what she did. I guess they assumed she was as vacuous as they were, even though she’s the most intelligent, articulate person I’ve ever met and she’s always made a strong effort to keep her mind as active as possible.

Perhaps most feminists I’ve met are more militant than others; however, none I’ve met respect a woman’s choice to stay home. In my experience, women are far more disdainful of other women who work at home than most men. Of course, your mileage may vary.

59

I suspect you’re right, and in the next few years, I hope to find out some day. And hearing the term “full night’s sleep” makes me both jealous and wistful. My son apparently has not read the same books I have, which state that he should be sleeping through the night by now. He was at about 7 months, but he got very sick and since then, has gotten up at least once in the middle of the night. sigh Back to work.

60

I’m not a housewife. I am a full-time homemaker, as well as a wife and a mother. Those are my chosen careers for this decade or so, probably longer. Following are my jobs, in no particular order:

Mom: My day starts about 6:00 a.m., when I change two diapers, fix breakfast for 4-5 people, get one kid showered, and dress three kids. Get the oldest on the bus for his pre-K, change two diapers again, read a book to kids, recite alphabet with kid #2, wipe noses, play patty-cake with baby, sing Itsy-Bitsy Spider three times with both little ones, read another book to kids, prepare healthy snacks and feed and clean up, etc., repeat ad nauseum until noon-ish, when oldest gets home and I begin refereeing toy fights and arguments and fixing more snacks and doing my half-assed attempt at ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) with my oldest son, who has autism and really needs it.

Homemaker: I start laundry as soon as #1 is on the school bus. Typically, I do 2-3 loads a day. I unload and re-load the dishwasher while laundry is going, sweep the kitchen and living room floors, do some routine cleaning (bathroom, dusting, picking up toys, etc.) By 2 p.m., I have to start planning dinner for 6, because something needs to be thawed enough to cook, and I prefer to prepare healthful meals rather than something out of a box. I admit, my husband and I agreed that I would take charge of all household chores when we agreed that I would stay home; my husband does, however, help when I ask.

Wife: I don’t have enough time for this. My husband and I demand 20 minutes after dinner when we can sit down and converse. We rarely get that, without interruptions. “Mom! Bottle!” or “Dad! Up!” We can’t have sex anymore, because kid #2 has stopped sleeping anywhere except for our bed. (He’s a little paranoid, since #3 appeared, and he’s making sure we don’t have any more babies. The words “tubal ligation” have no meaning to a 2-year-old.)

I am freaking exhausted, and so is my husband. But he works 7 days a week, much of the time, and I do, all of the time. I see no reason that my work is worth any less than his. He doesn’t deal with anything close to the amount of pee, poo, barf, snot, spit-up, and boogers that I do. Hell, I think I deserve extra bio-hazard pay.