I. Dear person who almost knocked me down the stairs tonight:
It’s rush hour. That means that a train comes every four minutes. If you and your 27 shopping bags don’t make it down these stairs in time to catch this one, there will be another one in 3.5 minutes. I know, the horror! That a person of your obvious importance and personal style (LOVE your purple fake-fur coat with the teal earmuffs!) should have to wait 3.5 minutes for a train! I mean, there oughta be a law!
Hear that? That’s the sound of the doors closing. Yes, the train that you are running to catch is about to pull away. Your screaming at the woman with the 3 toddlers to “Get out of the way!” and whapping one of the children in the back of the head with your Marshall Field’s bag brought you no closer to your goal, but you did do your part to spread the Christmas spirit!
Feel that underfoot? That’s slush. It’s all over the stairs. It makes them slippery and hard to walk on. I know it seems that people are going slow with the express desire of keeping you from watching Wheel of Fortune, but please believe that they are going as fast as they safely can. I’m gonna let you in on a big secret: They are trying to catch their train, too! I really liked watching you slip and have to catch the rail for balance several times after you hurtled past me.
It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but someday in your rush to catch the train you are going to fall on your ass and hurtle down three flights of stairs at breakneck speed. I can only hope that I am not in your path on that day. I would plead with you to drive and forgo public transportation altogether, but given your stupidity and obliviousness to others, that would hardly be a net gain to public safety.
Happy Holidays, and fuck you! May your wassail be curdled, and may jolly fat men become lodged permanently in your chimney.
Nicely done magdalene!
I’d give it a 9 for expressive, image-evoking commentary without vulgarity. Almost un-pitworthy in it’s lack of the words fuck and/or felch, still the emotion comes through clearly. I’m impressed.
Oh.My.God. Montfort, I have said those words so many times in D.C.
Oh, and howabout letting the people exit the train before you jam your way in? A) Fewer people in the car makes it more likely that you will fit. Got that? It’s L-O-G-I-C. B) Another train is coming, I promise! I swear!
By the way, Montfort, we in Chicago sneer at your escalators. What ever happened to good old fashioned stairs? Are you too lazy that you can’t move your ass up a couple flights? Not all of us need to break the sound barrier coming out of the Rosslyn metro.
Reading Magdalene’s post reminds me of the time when some dumb bitch nearly knocked my sister down a flight of stairs, while at the McCormick Center for the auto show. we were on our way out too, when she comes out of nowhere and almost sends a 5-6 year old girl downhill.
Being a kid, she cries, and Pop curses at the woman as the woman runs down.
You’re obviously unfamiliar with the London Underground, some of its lines can be as much as 60 meters below street level. I prefer the escalators in such a case.
Magda has CLEARLY forgotten the lovely Dupont Circle station. I ain’t climbing the stairs there. shudder
But I have to agree with: WAIT for the other people to get off the train! And if you’re at the AIRPORT station, don’t get mad at me for taking an extra two seconds to get my suitcase off the train!
Okay, I’ll shut up about escalators, was just making a joke at Montfort. (Escalator? What is zees escalator of which you speak? I speet on your silly escalator!)
I will be begging for escalators this weekend when I’m dragging a big suitcase up and down stairs on my way to the airport.
. . . And how about those joiks on the subway who stick their foot in the door as it’s closing and hold everyone up by trying to jam their way into the train? Last week someone did that, and the conductor stopped the car, came in and ripped the guy a new one, to everyone’s delight.
I have never been treated to the sight of a dragging death—but it would be worth getting stuck for an hour or two, to see one of these idiots turned into cat food.
Last evening, a woman brought two dozen balloons on the NYC subway during rush hour.
Hello? Lady, these balloons keep bouncing into my face. Granted, getting hit with a balloon is not exactly painful. But it’s been a long day at the office and getting bopped repeatedly with a balloon is not how I planned to relax. It’s rush hour. People are packed in this train like sardines. Now we’re like sardines at a scary sardine circus.
The next time you take the centerpieces from your office holiday party, why don’t you think about how are you getting home, and ask yourself if it is really practical to bring two dozen balloons on to a crowded train. Oh no! A balloon got away! Please feel free to push me (and others) out of your way to retrive it.
Of course, she was probably bringing the balloons to terminally ill orphans, which means I will be going directly to hell and not collecting $200 because I complained about her.
How about the ones who wait until they’re in the turnstile to start digging for their Metrocards or tokens, screaming “WAIT!!! WAIT!!! Hold the door!” and some schmuck on the train actually holds the door while the rest of the passengers wish both of them a sudden, painful death?
And my personal favorite: the people who, for reasons known only to themselves, must lean out of the car at every stop, hands on the doors to prevent them from closing, while they scan the platform as if they are surveying their own property. Get in or get out, idiot, people are trying to get to work.
Man I hate them. I think the problem is because subways look vaguely like elevator doors that people think they will respond like elevator doors. Specifcally, that the door will magically bounce back when it comes in contact with an appendage.
It’s fun to watch people in a rush instinctively stick an arm out into the closing and unforgiving maw of the subterranean beast.
Speaking of stairs…it’s funny for me to watch 150-200 people crowd around the escalator entrance,waiting for their turn, when all they have to do is take the damn stairs. I’ve been taking the stairs, since I moved, for about 7 months now. I usually skip a step going up. Man you should feel how tight my hamstrings and ass have become.
Man, those escalators must be five floors from the street! Actually, I never take the stairs in the morning or in the afternoon; I will, however, climb the escalator in the morning at least some of the way (hey, I’m tired and groggy!); in the afternoon, when I can’t wait to get to the train, I’ll half-jog down the left side of the escalator - and no, I’m not pushing anyone aside!
I believe the Forest Glen Metro station escalator is deeper than Dupont Circle’s.
Just tonight, as I was walking down the escalator, I spied a man standing on the left. Grr, I thought. As I approached him, I made sure I STOMPED REALLY LOUDLY as I stepped down the escalator. Then, as I was right behind him, I cleared my throat VERY LOUDLY. Finally, he got the hint and moved the fuck over. Grr.
