Thanks for the suggestions, encouragement, and sympathy.
I’m not getting into any details at this point, because I don’t really want to discuss the specific issues online.
Per your OP if the marriage has been kind of up and down rocky from the get go and has just gotten worse over time trying to save it for the sake of sentimental memories or (per your OP) so you wont have one more thing you failed at is not the best strategy for personal happiness for both of you, especially if there are no kids involved.
People often go in opposite directions as they get older. Things crop up that were not big deal when you both seemed like a good idea to each other. I think you need to take stock of whether she wants to be married to you. If a woman says she’s done with the marriage 90% of the time that’s pretty much it regardless of counseling.
Have you seen those expressions recently?
I think that a man, at minimum, needs to know that his wife/girlfriend loves and respects him. The respect part is important. I am not talking about the old fashioned “do as I say.” Just that she thinks that overall you are a good man who has her best interests at heart and that she is happy to be with you, good and bad all considered.
When you do not get that feeling, it is absolutely devastating to a man, and he begins to question his own self worth. That starts a downward spiral where you start to give her less feedback, she becomes MORE unhappy, causing you to withhold more, causing her MORE unhappiness, etc.
Relationships are hard. When you figure them out, please send me a subscription coupon to your newsletter. 
To follow up: Sometimes my gf says that she washes my clothes and cleans the house, what more do I want?
I say, with all seriousness, that although I appreciate that, I could hire a maid. I want to feel that you think I am a good and honorable man whom you want to have a long term relationship with. If you don’t think that, then we can go our separate ways, no hard feelings. It will certainly hurt, but we can both recover.
If you do think that, then I need more than constant bitching about how I didn’t take out the trash or that I came to bed too late, or that I left a glass in the living room and did not put it in the dishwasher. Implying that I am a lazy piece of shit does not give me that fuzzy feeling.
What you are describing is important to people- man or woman. It’s not a male thing. Women need to feel respected, trusted, valued as well
I thought about that as I was typing it and I agree with you. However, us males who grew up in middle class America have this ideal that was taught to us that a man should be, well, the head of the family, and as such, we need that level of respect or else we do not feel satisfied in our relationships…
I know it is sexist, but we are our parent’s children.
Yeah, no. You have free will and may choose your own path. If you choose to live your life under those parameters that is your choice, not parental definition.
A one of four daughters raised by one of your middle class males in the 1950s and 60s, we were taught to expect nothing less than respect and equality from our husbands.
In this day and age, any male who thinks respect is something men need that isn’t just felt as equally important to woman, needs to wake up.
If you truly believe its in danger, get a lawyer. If you have children or assets you need to protect yourself. Reality sometimes sucks.
Not to be callous but Vic is right. If you really think she’s not interested in saving the marriage then you need to face that reality too and get some legal advice. Good luck tho - I’m hoping things work out for you both.
I third getting legal advice. Investigate the possible benefits of a legal separation v. divorce, especially with regard to health insurance and retirement.
If she won’t go to counseling with you, go alone. You’ll need someone you can speak with and confide in without embarrassment or fear of judgment, knowing what you say will not become public knowledge. You’ll learn a lot about yourself that can make the rest of your life wonderfully different.
I’m sorry.
Sorry, dude.
Don’t want to sound like a dick, but counseling is a huge waste of time and money. Better spend that on a lawyer or stuff for your new, future apartment.
I’m so sorry. Please try not to see this as a “failure.” Some things just don’t work out. When another person is involved, there is a lot outside your control.
Take advantage of the counseling to help you feel better about YOU, regardless of whether your partner enters into it wholeheartedly. Even if she bails in it, keep going for you.
You are in for some tough times, but you will get through it.
I’m sure it was tough for your to write. Keep plugging at it so that if you do separate, you can have the peace of knowing you tried to work it out.
Sometimes it’s not that the love isn’t there, but rather it’s just too much work to get along. That’s nobody’s fault, really; it’s just that your personalities aren’t meshing. We’ve all been there.
Good luck to you.
This is excellent advice, which (having been there before) I will second.
Regardless of what happens, know that there will be an end to it someday. It may not seem so now, but it will; and that’s the time to look forward, not backward.
You have my best wishes, and you will be in my thoughts.
Walk away. I think a lot of pain is CAUSED by people trying to save relationships that have ended and a lot of pain would be avoided if people could just acknowledge that fact, happily shake hands, say “it was nice but it’s time to part” and just move on.
What jumps out to me is that she is willing to go to counseling. If chances were zero, there would be no avenue whatsoever.
That stinks, and as an anonymous commentator - I am sorry for the pain.
I am the master of assuming there is a pony in a room full of shit…
She is willing to try counseling - that means she sees something to save. Yeah team!
You are getting signs of love an appreciation. Yeah team!
You are able to actually talk about it - that is a hell of a lot more than most. Yeah team!
OK - so with counseling - some suck, some are good but don’t match your needs, and some can be great for one of you, and finally some can be great for both of you. Good luck with that part of it - but I hope that you two can use the counseling to keep talking, look for what has worked and kept you both together, and build on that.
And if none of that works - you will have tried.
I got nothing other than that - best of luck and know that a few random monikers on a message board wish you the best.
Maybe you and your SO can watch this:
This is a smart guy who knows how to make people understand themselves and each other.
I know women DO NOT appreciate being fixed, but is something in your marriage is broken, and both of you want to salvage the situation, maybe both of you can spend two hours figuring yourselves out.
(((Ascenray)))
It’s been tough since our talk on Saturday.
I’ve gotten some therapist names from the Employee Assistance Program (our mental health care coverage) and have left a couple of messages to try to schedule appointments.