I think my smartphone is possessed

Heavy icon groups with numerous icons within them move by themselves and relocate across the screen. The phone sometimes becomes so cold I cannot hold it. The screen flickers with seemingly no pattern. Occasionally high-pitched screeching tones play by themselves. All my selfies have started showing random distortions near the face. One of my best selfies has had my head turned around to face my back!

Google ads are showing images from horror movies. Sometimes the phone switches on by itself at night and makes scratching noises.

Yesterday one of the new apps I installed was found in a deserted corner of the screen. It wouldn’t run. This morning the sticky notes app appeared by itself with the words “Help me” typed into it.

How the hell do you exorcise a smartphone?

First, get a live chicken…

And a bottle of vodka…

Delete the Arition app from your phone.

Sage smudging should work.

Have you tried powering it off and then back on again?[/tech support line]

Really? I am facing an other-worldly situation here and all you can suggest is reboot it?
Meanwhile, I am arranging for the live chicken and vodka. What next? Feed the vodka to the chicken? How does that help? :dubious:

Hey, you’d be surprised how many times a simple reboot will solve problems, from a driver conflict, to a demonic infestation, all the way to your device opening a full-blown portal to a Hell dimension.

But if that doesn’t work, you could try completely submerging your phone in holy water, then putting the phone in rice and leaving it overnight. Be advised that will almost certainly void the warranty, though.

The warranty is probably written on parchment in human blood…

This sure makes my phone “acting out” seem paltry by comparison. I have the autocorrect turned OFF, and yet the damned thing still tries to “fix” my texts. I’ve added so many words to my dictionary, I’m surprised I don’t dribble words behind me when I walk.

You haven’t been to Sedona, AZ, lately, have you?

I may have misspoken - it’s supposed to be a live rooster… or a semi-comatose duck… or a goose with a limp.

Sorry - my Guide to Exorcisms got mixed in with my granddaughter’s Dr. Suess collection, with the resulting havoc.

A bag of frozen nuggets and a couple of cubes of chicken buillon won’t cut it then?

No, you sacrifice the chicken (so I think nuggets might work here) by baking for 20-30 minutes in the oven with fresh rosemary and thyme and dip it into the Sacred Sauce (which must be red, and flavoured with molasses, bourbon and wood smoke). The vodka is used to gently spray all over your phone whilst incanting the words of your favourite Buffy quote (But in this case we don’t know if the phone is liquid resistant) so we can use cranberry juice and grapefruit to stand in for the blood and bitterness of Life, add the vodka as the cleansing agent to a stainless vessel with lots of ice and a dash of simple syrup (Demons hate cold, generally) also (Demons don’t like sweet either). Shake vigorously for 20-30 seconds while singing the first stanza of Shake Shake Shake Senora. Strain and pour into the tall glass rinsed in Holy water and garnish with a lime slice which represents the body of the demon being overcome by the forces of Life. Hold the phone over the drink and rotate counterclockwise for three rotations, with your left hand. Quickly down the drink with your right. Repeat until you can’t find the phone.

Swampspruce, I’m not sure about your exorcism skills, but can I come over for dinner?

You are all making this much more difficult than it needs to be. Just call an exorcist.


Aw. Not even a groan for the App-arition?

**Yllaria **- I’d have groaned if I’d gotten it, but I’m so tragically unhip, I figured it was something foreign to us geezers. :wink:

Holy shit, this is complicated. Can’t I just wring a chicken’s neck and command the demon to scoot?

I think all my troubles began with the ouija board app I was playing with. It promised me it would transmit my voice in dozens of frequencies to attract the maximum number of “responses”. But apparently in free mode it only contacts the cheapest and scummiest of the spirits loitering around. Maybe I should upgrade?

That’s awful! :eek:

That’s a known problem with the iPhone6.66. I understand that the newest firmware fixes this issue, but you’ll need to talk to your provider to find out when (or if) they will be pushing the update.

There’s a free bagpipe app that could be used to scare nearly anything out of your phone.