Our house, was our castle and our keep
Our house, in the middle of our street
Our house, that was where we used to sleep
Our house, in the middle of our street
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringin’
Roman calvary choirs are singing.
Be my sword, my mirror, my shield
My foreign missionaries, far afield.
For some reason I can’t explain,
I know St. Peter won’t call my name …
So where to now St. Peter
If it’s true I’m in your hands
I may not be a Christian
But I’ve done all one man can
I understand I’m on the road
Where all that was is gone
So where to now St. Peter
Show me which road I’m on
Which road I’m on
We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin’ that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride
Well, I’m so tired of crying
But I’m out on the road again
I’m on the road again
Well, I’m so tired of crying
But I’m out on the road again
I’m on the road again
I ain’t got no woman
Just to call my special friend
FIRST FLOOR DUNGEON! Assorted simple tortures! Molten lead, chopping blocks and hot boiling oil.
SECOND FLOOR DUNGEON! Jewelry department! Leg chains, ankle chains, neck chains, wrist chains, thumb screws and nooses of the very finest rope.
THIRD FLOOR DUNGEON! Household appliances! Spike beds, electric chairs, gas chambers, roasting pots and scalping devices.
BASEMENT DUNGEON! Everybody out!
Flies all green and buzzin’,
in this dungeon of despair.
Prisoners grumble and piss their clothes,
and scratch their matted hair.
A tiny light, from a window hole,
a hundred yards away,
is all they ever gets to know
about the regular light in the day.
And it stinks so bad, the stones been chokin’,
and weepin’ greenish drops.
In the room where the giant fire puffer works,
and the torture never stops.
[Amazingly, our college radio station would play that Zappa cut EVERY DAY–during lunchtime, without fail. I somehow managed to maintain a semblance of appetite anyway.]
Come all you young fellers
so young and so fine
And seek not your fortune
in the dark dreary mine
It’ll form as a habit
and seep in your soul
Till the stream of your blood
is as black as the coal
Where it’s dark as a dungeon
and damp as the dew
where the dangers are double
and the pleasures are few
Where the rain never falls
and the sun never shines
Lord it’s a dark as a dungeon
way down in the mines
Someday in a nuclear age, they will understand our rage
They build machines that they can’t control, and bury the waste in a great big hole
Power was to become cheap and clean; grimy faces were never seen
Deadly for twelve thousand years is carbon-fourteen
We work the black seam together
We work the black seam together
Don’t you understand what I’m trying to say
Can’t you feel the fears I’m feeling today?
If the button is pushed, there’s no runnin’ away
There’ll be no one to save with the world in a grave
Take a look around you boy, it’s bound to scare you, boy
And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
How you don’t believe
We’re on the eve of destruction
It’s christmas at ground zero
The button has been pressed
The Radio just let us know
That this is not a test
Ninety-nine Decision Street
Ninety-nine ministers meet
To worry, worry, super scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we’ve waited for
This is it, boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As ninety-nine red balloons go by
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.
98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall.
97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 96 bottles of beer on the wall.
96 bottles of beer on the wall, 96 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 95 bottles of beer on the wall.
95 bottles of beer on the wall, 95 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 94 bottles of beer on the wall.
94 bottles of beer on the wall, 94 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 93 bottles of beer on the wall.
93 bottles of beer on the wall, 93 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 92 bottles of beer on the wall.
92 bottles of beer on the wall, 92 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 91 bottles of beer on the wall.
91 bottles of beer on the wall, 91 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 90 bottles of beer on the wall.
90 bottles of beer on the wall, 90 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 89 bottles of beer on the wall.
89 bottles of beer on the wall, 89 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 88 bottles of beer on the wall.
88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 87 bottles of beer on the wall.
87 bottles of beer on the wall, 87 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 86 bottles of beer on the wall.
86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 85 bottles of beer on the wall.
85 bottles of beer on the wall, 85 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 84 bottles of beer on the wall.
84 bottles of beer on the wall, 84 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 83 bottles of beer on the wall.
83 bottles of beer on the wall, 83 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 82 bottles of beer on the wall.
82 bottles of beer on the wall, 82 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 81 bottles of beer on the wall.
81 bottles of beer on the wall, 81 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 80 bottles of beer on the wall.
80 bottles of beer on the wall, 80 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 79 bottles of beer on the wall.
79 bottles of beer on the wall, 79 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 78 bottles of beer on the wall.
78 bottles of beer on the wall, 78 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 77 bottles of beer on the wall.
77 bottles of beer on the wall, 77 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 76 bottles of beer on the wall.
76 bottles of beer on the wall, 76 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 75 bottles of beer on the wall.
75 bottles of beer on the wall, 75 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 74 bottles of beer on the wall.
74 bottles of beer on the wall, 74 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 73 bottles of beer on the wall.
73 bottles of beer on the wall, 73 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 72 bottles of beer on the wall.
72 bottles of beer on the wall, 72 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 71 bottles of beer on the wall.
71 bottles of beer on the wall, 71 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 70 bottles of beer on the wall.
70 bottles of beer on the wall, 70 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 69 bottles of beer on the wall.
69 bottles of beer on the wall, 69 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 68 bottles of beer on the wall.
68 bottles of beer on the wall, 68 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 67 bottles of beer on the wall.
67 bottles of beer on the wall, 67 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 66 bottles of beer on the wall.
66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 65 bottles of beer on the wall.
65 bottles of beer on the wall, 65 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 64 bottles of beer on the wall.
64 bottles of beer on the wall, 64 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 63 bottles of beer on the wall.
63 bottles of beer on the wall, 63 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 62 bottles of beer on the wall.
62 bottles of beer on the wall, 62 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 61 bottles of beer on the wall.
61 bottles of beer on the wall, 61 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 60 bottles of beer on the wall.
60 bottles of beer on the wall, 60 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 59 bottles of beer on the wall.
59 bottles of beer on the wall, 59 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 58 bottles of beer on the wall.
58 bottles of beer on the wall, 58 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 57 bottles of beer on the wall.
57 bottles of beer on the wall, 57 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 56 bottles of beer on the wall.
56 bottles of beer on the wall, 56 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 55 bottles of beer on the wall.
55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 54 bottles of beer on the wall.
54 bottles of beer on the wall, 54 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 53 bottles of beer on the wall.
53 bottles of beer on the wall, 53 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 52 bottles of beer on the wall.
52 bottles of beer on the wall, 52 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 51 bottles of beer on the wall.
51 bottles of beer on the wall, 51 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 50 bottles of beer on the wall.
50 bottles of beer on the wall, 50 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 49 bottles of beer on the wall.
49 bottles of beer on the wall, 49 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 48 bottles of beer on the wall.
48 bottles of beer on the wall, 48 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 47 bottles of beer on the wall.
47 bottles of beer on the wall, 47 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 46 bottles of beer on the wall.
46 bottles of beer on the wall, 46 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 45 bottles of beer on the wall.
45 bottles of beer on the wall, 45 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 44 bottles of beer on the wall.
44 bottles of beer on the wall, 44 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 43 bottles of beer on the wall.
43 bottles of beer on the wall, 43 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 42 bottles of beer on the wall.
42 bottles of beer on the wall, 42 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 41 bottles of beer on the wall.
41 bottles of beer on the wall, 41 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 40 bottles of beer on the wall.
40 bottles of beer on the wall, 40 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 39 bottles of beer on the wall.
39 bottles of beer on the wall, 39 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 38 bottles of beer on the wall.
38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 37 bottles of beer on the wall.
37 bottles of beer on the wall, 37 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 36 bottles of beer on the wall.
36 bottles of beer on the wall, 36 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 35 bottles of beer on the wall.
35 bottles of beer on the wall, 35 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 34 bottles of beer on the wall.
34 bottles of beer on the wall, 34 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 33 bottles of beer on the wall.
33 bottles of beer on the wall, 33 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 32 bottles of beer on the wall.
32 bottles of beer on the wall, 32 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 31 bottles of beer on the wall.
31 bottles of beer on the wall, 31 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 30 bottles of beer on the wall.
30 bottles of beer on the wall, 30 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 29 bottles of beer on the wall.
29 bottles of beer on the wall, 29 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 28 bottles of beer on the wall.
28 bottles of beer on the wall, 28 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 27 bottles of beer on the wall.
27 bottles of beer on the wall, 27 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 26 bottles of beer on the wall.
26 bottles of beer on the wall, 26 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 25 bottles of beer on the wall.
25 bottles of beer on the wall, 25 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 24 bottles of beer on the wall.
24 bottles of beer on the wall, 24 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 23 bottles of beer on the wall.
23 bottles of beer on the wall, 23 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 22 bottles of beer on the wall.
22 bottles of beer on the wall, 22 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 21 bottles of beer on the wall.
21 bottles of beer on the wall, 21 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 20 bottles of beer on the wall.
20 bottles of beer on the wall, 20 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 19 bottles of beer on the wall.
19 bottles of beer on the wall, 19 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 18 bottles of beer on the wall.
18 bottles of beer on the wall, 18 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 17 bottles of beer on the wall.
17 bottles of beer on the wall, 17 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 16 bottles of beer on the wall.
16 bottles of beer on the wall, 16 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 15 bottles of beer on the wall.
15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 14 bottles of beer on the wall.
14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 13 bottles of beer on the wall.
13 bottles of beer on the wall, 13 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 12 bottles of beer on the wall.
12 bottles of beer on the wall, 12 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 11 bottles of beer on the wall.
11 bottles of beer on the wall, 11 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 10 bottles of beer on the wall.
10 bottles of beer on the wall, 10 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 9 bottles of beer on the wall.
9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 8 bottles of beer on the wall.
8 bottles of beer on the wall, 8 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 7 bottles of beer on the wall.
7 bottles of beer on the wall, 7 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 6 bottles of beer on the wall.
6 bottles of beer on the wall, 6 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 5 bottles of beer on the wall.
5 bottles of beer on the wall, 5 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 4 bottles of beer on the wall.
4 bottles of beer on the wall, 4 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 3 bottles of beer on the wall.
3 bottles of beer on the wall, 3 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 2 bottles of beer on the wall.
2 bottles of beer on the wall, 2 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 1 bottle of beer on the wall.
1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, no more bottles of beer on the wall.
No more bottles of beer on the wall, no more bottles of beer.
Go to the store and buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
Worst. Road-trip. Song. Ever.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
Although it may seem strange
On the twelfth day of Christmas
I’m going to exchange
An automatic vegetable slicer
That works when you see it on television
But not when you get it home
Chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
A pair of teakwood shower clogs
Indoor plastic birdbath
Pink satin pillow that says San Diego with fringe all around it
Hammered aluminum nutcracker
Statue of a naked lady with a clock
Where her stomach ought to be
Simulated alligator wallet
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
Green polka dot pajamas
And a Japanese transistor radio
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Down in the workshop, all the elves are making toys
For the good gentile girls, and the good gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands, and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo
Like a big, fat, drunk, disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye
“Merry Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die!”
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he’d been gettin’ the raw deal
Something finally must’ve snapped in his brain
Eight comic books
Seven packs of smokes
Six packs of two-fours
Five golden toques
Four pounds of back bacon
Three French toasts
Two turtlenecks
And a bee-eeeer in a tree
O little town of Hackensack,
How still we hear thee snore;
The snow-deck’d streets that reindeer feets
Will soon be prancing o’er
Thy winsome children wond’ring if
Old Santa Claus will show;
They need not fear; methinks I hear
His endless ho, ho, ho.
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burned it just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love
My true love gave to me
The twelfth thing of Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
- Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
“Batteries Not Included”?
No parking?!
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make ‘em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I’m not sendin’ them this year, that’s it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU’RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree