I Wanna Become A Don.

C’mon dopers, who doesn’t? I know we’ve got to have SOME mafia bosses out there. Gimme tips so I can become the city’s most respected person.

Guys: Isn’t there a Maxim How-To on this?

Well, you start by kissing my ring, respecting my family, and offing a few of my, shall we say, less opportune business associates. Strictly business, nothing personal, of course.

And you’d better make a hell of a carbonara, preferably cooked whilst wearing a white shirt and tie with rolled up sleeves, exposing the holster of your piece.

Then in a few decades, either I die, or you do me in. Time will tell, amice.

I’d tell ya.

But then I’d have to kill ya.

So fughetboutit.

Well, you study really really hard. You spend about seven years working on a doctoral thesis. Then you spend another three years as a Junior Research Fellow at £19,000 a year. You spend an interminate amount of time working as an Assistant Professor at about £25,000 a year. Then, if you’re lucky, and you’ve published enough monographs, and the Principal of the College really likes you, you can be made a Don!

Oh. I guess you didn’t want to be an Oxford don.

Duke, your kind of don is actually the first type I thought of when I read the thread title.

You’d better first pay your respects to Don Spoofe.

Well, according to the British music-hall song Ginger, You’re Barmy, “If you want to be a don you want a bit o’ somethin’ on, to take off to a lady.”

I thought you wanted to become just any old Don, so I decided you will become Don Rickles.


You join the SCA, take up light weapons fighting, and if you’re good enough and know the right people, you will eventually be made a member of the Order of the White Scarf, a Don.

I am a Don. In Panama the villages call me Don PaulinSaudi. The title is given as a mark of respect to the local patrons. My honey hates being called Donna Alexandra, as that is how you address grandmothers.

Still, it sounds nice, espeically when I am on horseback.

There are two ways, the “inside” way and the “outside” way. The “inside” way has already been covered. The “outside” way is to simply declare yourself a don and “take care of” anybody that doesn’t show you the respect you deserve. The real problem with this method is that the people who don’t show you the respect you deserve will more than likely “take care of” you first.

But good luck to you, and my best respects to you and your “family.” (Just in case.)