I want to be the Jack Chick of the Church of Froggyism!

That’s right. I’ve been inspired by his tracts after being introduced to them in jab1’s Pit thread. I tried my hand at saving everyone’s souls on Page 2, but wasn’t very good at it.

For those who don’t know, as Dr Lao so aptly descriped him, Jack Chick “publishes books and comic strips for Christians (of the fundamentalist Protestant variety). They are generally so filled with lies and ignorance that anyone who speaks in a likewise tone (heavy on the ignorance and self-righteousness) is labeled the ‘Jack Chick of [subject].’”

You can find some examples of Mr Chick’s work at http://www.chick.com/

So now I want to be the new Jack Chick, and Monty, showed me how when he said, “Just use all of the [Bible] stories you’ve ever heard and to hell with the facts!”

So that’s what I’ll do. Now Mr. Chick has the market cornered on Christian Fundalmentalism, so I’ll convert on behalf of the Church of Froggyism. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a Biblical scholar, so I’ll have to make up the Bible stories as well as disregarding facts. I’m not out to offend anyone (except maybe Jack Chick), so if you don’t want to read any screwed up Bible stories, please don’t continue reading this thread.

Now who wants to be converted first? Tell me your beliefs (or make some up, whatever) and I’ll tell you why you’re going to burn in hell.

I believe that no religion can legitimately claim to have a lock on the absolute truth.

I believe we should treat others in the way that we ourselves would like to be treated.

I believe that there are things beyond the realm of the physical and the five senses, but I’ll be darned if I can figure out what they are.

And as for the Church of Froggyism, I’ve never paid much attention to it. The reason for that is because of a little passage I once read:

It goes on for a bit, but I’m sure you know the rest. Don’t know why I bother quoting it to you, since I’m sure you’ll jsut come up with some irrational refutation of this quote, and somehow pervert it into a justification for believing that the Supreme Being has some kind of divine plan for frogs.

*Originally posted by Atreyu *
I believe that no religion can legitimately claim to have a lock on the absolute truth.
Ah, mistake #1. In the Book of Neenerneenerism 12:13-72 it clearly states:

I believe we should treat others in the way that we ourselves would like to be treated.
Wrong again. But I blame you not, you just haven’t been shown the True Path. Erectionus 69:69 says, “Obey the amphibian. It is the amphibian who knows the way of water and land, and shall guide thee through all.” So you see, it’s is a sin to not act in the way I tell you to. Treat others as I would like them to be treated.

So repent now, sinner, or burn in the fire Lake of Hell, for it is the wish of our ever benevolent, loving, and forgiving God.

So I take it that the Book of Amphibia is not considered canonical by the Church of Froggyism?

[sub]I’ll get to the other stuff later. I’m off for a beer.[/sub]

huh. That’s wierd. According to all those Jack Chick tracts, you should have fallen on your face in remorse and begged forgiveness by now…

So you dodged the question, eh? Just what I expect from a fundamentalist. :smiley:

Beliefs? Hmmm…I have a set of beliefs around here somewhere…

::rummages around in the closet::

Ah, here they are. Original packaging and everything. Let’s open these babies up and see what they are.

Nothing in life is so serious that it can’t be laughed at. Beware of people who take themselves too seriously. The Mets, Cardinals, White Sox, and Green Bay Packers are the roots of all evil. You can never do too much for your friends. Good books, good pizza, good alcohol, and good women are the finest things in the world (not necessarily in that order).

There’s more in the box, but they’re hard to unwrap. That should be enough to roast me anyway.

There are a lot of other reasons why I can’t get into the Church of Froggyism:

  1. Disciples are referred to as “Crispy Tadpoles.” 'Nuff said.

  2. Croaking the lyrics of those church hymns plays hell with the larynx. I’m sure that’s why the Church of Froggyism has a bulk discount arranged with the makers of Halls[sup]TM[/sup] cough drops.

  3. Toads were frequently the familiars of witches. That links your church a little too strongly with paganism, in my opinion. If I wanted paganism, I’d be a pagan. But I’m sure you’ve got another one of your delightful tracts handy to explain that away.

  4. Penance is exhausting. After confession, a person is asked to do anywhere from ten to thirty frog hops in penance. Sure, the church makes an exception for those who are elderly or otherwise incapable of performing this penance.

  5. Communion in the Church of Froggyism really sucks. I know that Gospel of Kermit 27:5 it says, “These gnats are my body. Whosoever eats of these shall eat of me.” I don’t care. It’s vile.

Oh, I don’t know, Atreyu, some of the Toadsmas Carols in the hymnal are fairly melodic – like “O Hop, O Hop, Emmanuel”. Although you’re right about many of them. “Come Croak, Ye Choirs Exultant” is way too rough on the vocal chords.

C’mon, guys…don’t buy this Church of Froggyism stuff. We all know what the true church is…

The Church of the Chicken of Bristol.

Crunchy will probably point out how froggyists have been persecuted in history - as in the Ramen Empire, when froggyists were made to do battle in the arena with restaurant chefs, where losing meant your legs… However, we should also remember the historical suffering caused by froggyism, as in the Spanish Ribbit-sition, not to mention the Toad Jihad, the froggyist holy war.

Me? I’m more of a Frognostic. I believe that something is croaking out there, but I don’t know what it is…

That alone will get you to hell. God is a big Cardinals fan - obviously moreso than He is a Cubs fan. Dude, that’s so wrong. I thought we were all friendly and stuff.

Change Cardinals to Braves in your statement and maeybe I’ll consider talking to you again.

Let’s see…I’m looking for a cushy spot medium high up in a hierachical priesthood. That is, above the local level so I’m not obligated to get up early every Sunday morning, but not so high that I have to jet around the world, kissing the ground at every airport.

Something like a monsignor or bishop-level would be good, particularly at say, a church-owned vinyard or brewery.That is, if you’ve got one where the higher-ups don’t pay too much attention to the books.

Besides, I think green robes and a miter would be cool for formal occasions.

I can pretend to be a “nephew” of a high church official if it would help.

Whattya think?


Doesn’t matter where you are in The Church of Froggyism hierarchy. There are no Sunday services. Sunday is the day of God’s greatest gift to man and we shall rest on that day to enjoy the most Holy Gift that is Professional Football. And we don’t jet around anywhere. If someone wants to hear what we have to say, then they can come to us, dammit!


Yeah, we’ve got a brewery. You can be the Cardinal in charge of the Holy Order of the Barley and Hop.

And don’t worry about the books, we just make the shit up as we go, like most organized religions.

So do I have my first convert?

I believe that Spiny Norman finally caught up with Dinsdale, on or about 15 May 2001.

I believe that music may only connect us with God when played on bagpipes.

I believe that Righteous Men, when kissed by Wholesome Women, turn into descendants of the Holy Frog.

Cannery Row is evil.

Well, I don’t really have anything against the Braves. The Greg Maddux thing is Larry Himes’s fault, not the Braves.

I will say that the Cardinals are less evil than any of the other teams mentioned, though.

And, er, let’s not go into the whole god thing. I’d hate to turn this into a GD thread :wink:

Now, if we could just clear up this shoe/gourd thing…