**Shirley’s Helpful Hints In Learning To Sew **
- Learn to say shit, damn, fuck.

Ok, here are my two bits:
1. Buy a buttload of the basic, discount cotton material to fool around with. Buy it diamonds, break open some bubbly…no wait…I mean, to experiment with in a non-biblical way. It makes it easier to learn a new project by knowing ahead of time that the material you are using is ok to destroy. Muslin is my favorite because it is usually available every now and then for some ridiculously low price of .88 a yard. That way , once you have the hang of the neck line or the mysteries of a zipper/sleeve figured out, you can go on to the nice material.
2 Something no instruction book or sewing machine operational manual ever told me: *The top thread and the bottom thread (Spoolie thingie and the bobbin thingie) should be the same weight and kind. * I kept on jamming my machine and destroying material because I had two different kinds of thread going on my machine. It was my MIL, the Uber-seamstress, who watched me and then said, " Oh, ja, you are usink two different kindz of thwead. Zat iz yourr proooblem rrright zhere."
**3.**Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Translation: Keep it simple.
Yes, those *Learn to Sew Patterns * are pretty fricking moronic, but they are basic. And the rule is for the patterns that have the little slogan " Sew in 2 hours." It’s not the sewing that takes all the time. it is the reading and figuring out of the pattern and the cutting that takes that time. (And for the record, I have scores of those basic patterns that I still haven’t figured out yet. I’m retarded, I’ve decided.
4 Quick tip for the ever frightening Buttonhole attempt.
Instead of doing buttonholes, you can sew the button atop, and put a snap (male part) on the under material of the button, and then sew on the adjoining peice, the other half of the snap (female part). If that made no sense whatsoever, I could do pantomimes.
This trick came from MIL - Das Uber Seamstress who got it from another Uber Seamstress. It just streamlined an entire project for me.
[size=5]And if you only read one thing, read this:
If you have to run into the fabric store to get something, and your brain tells you, " Oh, do I need a #16 needle for the machine?" Don’t argue with your brain on this, just buy the needle or whatever it is, because what will happen is you will not buy whatever message your brain sends a flare gun message up for and then in the middle of your next project you will need exactly what you didn’t get and you will have to stop and go back and get just that ( which is impossible, and I think, against Fabric Store Laws allowing customers to buy just one thing.) and you will end up buying your next seventeen projects on that run in the store. Projects, which, btw, have just set you back another 234 years because you still haven’t gotten to the last impulse projects that you bought when you ran into the store to pick up more thread when you ran out and didn’t stock up when your brain told you to. Which means, the first project that you never finished ( needle broke) will now not get done until the baby you are making it for starts collecting social security benefits.
When I say You in the above forementioned drama, I mean me. YMMV, but I wouldn’t bet on it. (Insert red faced smilie here.)
I am pretty sure that Joanne’s and their competitors filter crack in through the air vents to put women into a shopping frenzy.