Is that a Bolivian accent I hear?
I hate to spoil the fun, but it seems to me that what you’re describing is a secret society, not a cult. IMHO, starting a cult would require a big piece of land for everybody to live on, since you’re followers need to be cut off from the rest of the world. YMMV
You need outrageous ostentation for the leadership. Mercedes with solid gold bumpers. That sort of thing.
I have never been part of a cult before. Can I join? Of course I am a redneck and I don’t like clothes so I vote for the uniform the be a bottom only loin cloth and a cowboy hat. I can live with other suggestions.
While I do not have much money, I could use some, so I want to join early. Oh and I can cook too. Maybe I could the the cult chef? Do you have room for me?
Let me know Oh *Revered Counselor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League.
*
I bow to your wisdom.
Be sure to hire lawyers.
Hey, it worked for the Scientologists…
-But we will smoke your ashes.
I want in. I’m so down with the nude initiation rites.
What a coincidence. I’ve always wanted to join a cult. Does your cult have any cool ritual chants?
High Holy Days Ceremonial Rites Etiquette:
- No cats on the Muffin Altar
- Cell phones will be off during all ceremonial rites - violators will be referred to the Disciplinary Committee for flogging.
- All celebrants will wear hats depicting scenes from the life of the Revered Counselor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League
- You cannot leave the Muffin Altar until you ask for and receive permission.
- Goddess of Muffins shall designate official Sacred Muffin Pan Washer at her whim.
I was going to include something about love offerings of chocolate, but I believe that goes without saying.
Might wanna revise that “No Bolivians” rule."
Where do the cats go, then?
I can’t believe the thread’s this long without anyone bringing this up, but probably the best cult-leader perk is the part about enjoying exclusive sexual privileges with any or all of your followers. This is particularly relished by those cult leaders who have no sexual inhibitions or scrupples whatsoever.
And you will definitely need a compound.
Maybe we should start a shopping/to-do list of sorts of stuff you’ll need to build the perfect cult:
- Some form of uniquely transcendent vision of the world, and/or your own creed or gospel – preferably one with its own aesthetic and/or moral component. It really doesn’t matter whether your cult purports to be an augmentation, correction, or a repudiation of an established faith, or a system promising some other manner of transcendence (i.e., connecting up with a superior species of aliens or angels, or building an idealized community, or attaining a personal state of physical/spiritual/moral perfection), as long as your leadership sells that message effectively. Nota bene: the latter criterion may be accomplished entirely in bad faith (the leader doesn’t have to believe what he preaches).
Ideally, your cult will become synonymous with a particular artistic endeavor and/or aesthetic style. Previous cults have become known for their figurative art, iconoclastic and/or abstract art, metal crafts, pottery, fabrics and weavings, a musical tonality, a manner of singing or dance, and variously minimalist (or, conversely, florid and effusive) designs in architecture, interiors, furniture, clothing, jewelry, and hair and personal appearance; and cuisine (or food taboos) and so forth, ad infinitum. Such is the pervasive twinning of the spiritual/religious with the aesthetic, that it’s difficult to recall any artistic medium, expression or even dietary component that was not, at some time or place, explicitly encumbered with a positive or negative value in a religious or moral belief system. Sometimes the cult’s aesthetic is such a success that it wins the cult a larger social or academic recognition and acceptance; this artistic immortality will usually outlive the physical incorporation of the cult’s body and beliefs.
-
Lots of land in an underpopulated region, preferably with full mining/digging/mineral/water/air rights. You’ll be able to build big, deep bunkers and tunnels (the better to stave off the feds when the Time of Persecution arrives), be fully self-sufficient (said feds won’t be able to shut off your electricity, gas or water if you’ve constructed your own infrastructure), and you might be able to install some air defenses, even (get some black-market shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft rockets, minimum).
-
Your own pernicious monopoly on information and money. You need to be the post office, the bank and Wall Street, the Ma Bell, the Daily Bugle, and the CNN for your followers. Begin by confiscating all their cell phones and prohibiting all internet activity (unless your cult can make lots of money on the ‘net). Your [increasingly paranoid] world view will be the filter for all your followers’ comprehension of the outside world, and don’t you forget it. All communications with the outside world will be screened by you or your internal security force. Your followers’ assets will be gladly forfeited to you personally (optimally) or to your cult organization, and their business ties, severed.
-
Your own vicelike grip on your followers’ minds and bodies, from cradle to grave. You will be more than their guru or spiritual leader; you must also play the exalted role of community father (literally, if you aspire to be the sole inseminator) and husband, and your authority must be the source of your compound’s medical services and justice/penitential system. If you intend to succeed as a cult leader, you had better learn to thoroughly exploit and enjoy these privileges and powers. Be sure to stock up on condoms, painkillers, first-aid kits, antibiotics, and euthanizing drugs, etc. before leading your cult to withdraw from society and hole up in the compound, and try to recruit a doctor and a nurse to serve as your in-house medical service.
-
Some sort of economic engine to keep the financial wheels (and government officials’ palms, if necessary) greased. This could take on the form of a ponzi scheme of ever-expanding membership, or an amalgam of autarchic self-sufficiency and austerity with some viable form of economic activity, like organic farming, arts and crafts, computer-industry work etc. And if the yin of your cult’s economy is all the money pouring into your coffers, then the yang is the wealth you’re able to divert to your Swiss accounts and the amount of bling you’re able to flaunt amongst your followers. Ideally, your cult’s doctrine will couple the economic inequality with a self-justifying rationale in which your followers’ virtues translate into your rewards.
-
Military-grade weaponry and security. Crucial to shoring up your exclusive grip on power and resisting the encroachments/subpoenas from the outside world. You may need to construct an intricate network of internal security organs and free agents, in which a system of checks and balances (mutual distrust and rivalry) prevail to prevent coups and maintain your absolutist power. As for the pricey hardware, buy as much as you can safely afford, but don’t blow your budget on the big-ticket items. Remember, you’ll get more bang for your buck by concentrating your outlays on the more basic techs (sniper rifles, semi-autos, shotguns, hand grenades, land mines, and a few basic shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft and anti-tank missiles and grenades), provided you have enough left over for ridiculous amounts of ammunition. Concommitant with these are accumulating sufficient quantities of other survivalist gear to weather a very lengthy government siege (or forced flight).
No, we should learn from the past.
Trashy little Cults, Flash-In-The-Firmament Cults, dress like 80’s Rock Band Managers.
Dress to dazzle, & with Style.
Look at the Pope. Embroidered robes, ceremonial staffs, magic gold hats that keep you from burning in Hell.
Now dats Klassy, wid a capitol K. 
May I humbly suggest this t-shirt as an official uniform of the cult? Or at least for security goons.
Well, this guy successfully started a cult. I strongly recommend his book, “Join Me,” which has some insightful things to say about what it means to be a cult leader. Funny, too.
Ohh OOOHHHHHH. **OOOOOOOOHH!H!HHHHH! **waves hand frantically
PICK ME!!!
I have always wanted to be in a cult!!! (I initially mistyped that as “clit”. Hmm.)
There will be no mass suicide thingie…or a ufo coming to pick us up thingie, right??? I ain’t into all of that. :dubious:
Aaaaaaaaaand I want a really spiffy name!! I’m a chick-please consider this whilst making your decision
Of course every cult needs someone to target their frustrations at and blame all the worlds ills on. Might I suggest the other highly secretive cult Cocoa Puffs for Dinner.
I hear their leader is highly secretive.
:: Does1/2 turn, shakes butt three times, pirrouetes 3 times, bounces elbows together and waves at Turek::
Heretical splittist! Do not even mention those… those… unhuman troglodytes in my presence! Thirty lashes! And not the fun ones, either!
[sub]Er, was I too early with that? Sorry.[/sub]
The money thing is simple. As proof of their devotion, your followers have to sign all their belongings, earnings, children, etc., over to you personally. And then work for your greater glory, while subsisting on rice, beans and water. Sorta like being an illegal immigrant, only no pay.
The other thing is, promise your followers that they will have all sorts of wonderful goodies in an afterlife after they die. 72 virgins, that sort of thing. Anybody who’s dumb enough to buy into it will be totally exploitable.
Virgins? Who wants virgins? I want my concubines experienced!
Well, I wanna be the PR guy. As the PR guy, I demand my own personal ball washer. Yes, a woman that follows and scrubs, much as Brother Lewis Black described in his standup routine.
Yes, I want in, baby.