Do I have to become a breadetarian if I join this cult?
Can I be the guy who is the chief authority (positive or negative) on your cult to the mass media?
I’m here to lure Shirley Ujest out to a van where three large and very serious guys are waiting to have a word with her. Her family sent us. Enough is enough.
When I was 16 me and my friend tried to set up an internet-based cult called The Church Of Christopher Collins. We made a nice web page and spammed a few forums trying to get members. Nobody joined 
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
As Revered Counselor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League, and in honor of Merry Muffin Month, I hearby declare that all new staff members may officially create your own title and define your duties.
It is critical you join now - don’t wait.
You’ve got muffin to lose.
It’s a bran new day!
[QUOTE=DMark]
I hearby declare that all new staff members may officially create your own title and define your duties.
[/QUOTE]
I will be your copy editor, and I will be paid in blowjobs and maple bars.
I’m sorry, but you can’t. You haven’t filled out the proper forms.
[QUOTE=Cervaise]
I will be your copy editor, and I will be paid in blowjobs and maple bars.
[/QUOTE]
Dun deal.
:: Revered Counselor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League goes in search of Maple Bars, knowing the other form of payment is already included in weekly training sessions for Level One cult members. ::
[QUOTE=DMark]
knowing the other form of payment is already included in weekly training sessions for Level One cult members.
[/QUOTE]
Oh, I did not know that was part of the orientation process. Nevermind the comment about the forms, I’m in.
I would like to join, in the position of High Etymologist and Linguistic Morphologist. My main (read: only) duty will be fathoming ways of removing consonants from words without losing their meaning. My work will be complete when I have developed an entire language consisting only of vowels. This way, we can communicate with our mouths chock full o’ muffiny goodness!
I would like to join as Chief Ranger of the Retention Patrol. Me and a group of personally selected followers will patrol the outside perimeter of the compound and make sure anyone who is in the compound stays in the compound. This includes people who accidentally wander in. This will make sure that our numbers continually grow.
As Chief I will in charge of humiliating punishments for suspected runners. Our uniform will be the same as everyone else’s but we will wear a green Robin Hood hat with a colored feather in it. This will be a highly elite group of devoted followers and will suffer no command other than the Revered Counselor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League. This will make sure that our numbers continually grow.
I will require a fleet of Supped Up ATV’s and all my rangers will require Tazer guns (I don’t want to kill any one.)
For the Glory of the Sacred Muffin this will be done.
[QUOTE=The Scrivener]
I can’t believe the thread’s this long without anyone bringing this up, but probably the best cult-leader perk is the part about enjoying exclusive sexual privileges with any or all of your followers. This is particularly relished by those cult leaders who have no sexual inhibitions or scrupples whatsoever.
And you will definitely need a compound.
Maybe we should start a shopping/to-do list of sorts of stuff you’ll need to build the perfect cult:
- Some form of uniquely transcendent vision of the world, and/or your own creed or gospel – preferably one with its own aesthetic and/or moral component. It really doesn’t matter whether your cult purports to be an augmentation, correction, or a repudiation of an established faith, or a system promising some other manner of transcendence (i.e., connecting up with a superior species of aliens or angels, or building an idealized community, or attaining a personal state of physical/spiritual/moral perfection), as long as your leadership sells that message effectively. Nota bene: the latter criterion may be accomplished entirely in bad faith (the leader doesn’t have to believe what he preaches).
Ideally, your cult will become synonymous with a particular artistic endeavor and/or aesthetic style. Previous cults have become known for their figurative art, iconoclastic and/or abstract art, metal crafts, pottery, fabrics and weavings, a musical tonality, a manner of singing or dance, and variously minimalist (or, conversely, florid and effusive) designs in architecture, interiors, furniture, clothing, jewelry, and hair and personal appearance; and cuisine (or food taboos) and so forth, ad infinitum. Such is the pervasive twinning of the spiritual/religious with the aesthetic, that it’s difficult to recall any artistic medium, expression or even dietary component that was not, at some time or place, explicitly encumbered with a positive or negative value in a religious or moral belief system. Sometimes the cult’s aesthetic is such a success that it wins the cult a larger social or academic recognition and acceptance; this artistic immortality will usually outlive the physical incorporation of the cult’s body and beliefs.
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Lots of land in an underpopulated region, preferably with full mining/digging/mineral/water/air rights. You’ll be able to build big, deep bunkers and tunnels (the better to stave off the feds when the Time of Persecution arrives), be fully self-sufficient (said feds won’t be able to shut off your electricity, gas or water if you’ve constructed your own infrastructure), and you might be able to install some air defenses, even (get some black-market shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft rockets, minimum).
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Your own pernicious monopoly on information and money. You need to be the post office, the bank and Wall Street, the Ma Bell, the Daily Bugle, and the CNN for your followers. Begin by confiscating all their cell phones and prohibiting all internet activity (unless your cult can make lots of money on the ‘net). Your [increasingly paranoid] world view will be the filter for all your followers’ comprehension of the outside world, and don’t you forget it. All communications with the outside world will be screened by you or your internal security force. Your followers’ assets will be gladly forfeited to you personally (optimally) or to your cult organization, and their business ties, severed.
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Your own vicelike grip on your followers’ minds and bodies, from cradle to grave. You will be more than their guru or spiritual leader; you must also play the exalted role of community father (literally, if you aspire to be the sole inseminator) and husband, and your authority must be the source of your compound’s medical services and justice/penitential system. If you intend to succeed as a cult leader, you had better learn to thoroughly exploit and enjoy these privileges and powers. Be sure to stock up on condoms, painkillers, first-aid kits, antibiotics, and euthanizing drugs, etc. before leading your cult to withdraw from society and hole up in the compound, and try to recruit a doctor and a nurse to serve as your in-house medical service.
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Some sort of economic engine to keep the financial wheels (and government officials’ palms, if necessary) greased. This could take on the form of a ponzi scheme of ever-expanding membership, or an amalgam of autarchic self-sufficiency and austerity with some viable form of economic activity, like organic farming, arts and crafts, computer-industry work etc. And if the yin of your cult’s economy is all the money pouring into your coffers, then the yang is the wealth you’re able to divert to your Swiss accounts and the amount of bling you’re able to flaunt amongst your followers. Ideally, your cult’s doctrine will couple the economic inequality with a self-justifying rationale in which your followers’ virtues translate into your rewards.
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Military-grade weaponry and security. Crucial to shoring up your exclusive grip on power and resisting the encroachments/subpoenas from the outside world. You may need to construct an intricate network of internal security organs and free agents, in which a system of checks and balances (mutual distrust and rivalry) prevail to prevent coups and maintain your absolutist power. As for the pricey hardware, buy as much as you can safely afford, but don’t blow your budget on the big-ticket items. Remember, you’ll get more bang for your buck by concentrating your outlays on the more basic techs (sniper rifles, semi-autos, shotguns, hand grenades, land mines, and a few basic shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft and anti-tank missiles and grenades), provided you have enough left over for ridiculous amounts of ammunition. Concommitant with these are accumulating sufficient quantities of other survivalist gear to weather a very lengthy government siege (or forced flight).
[/QUOTE]
Sound like the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
[QUOTE=Don’t fight the hypothetical]
I’m so down with the nude initiation rites.
[/QUOTE]
Darn! I was going to ask if I could join, but only if it involves a leopard-print thong and a pair of wellies.
Cocoa Puffs for Dinner would be more than willing to accept a such a minor accomodation to our standard tiger print uniform. Did I mention the Cocoa Puffs? We’re coo-coo for them.
[QUOTE=Kat]
Where do the cats go, then?
[/QUOTE]
That would be silly. Cats need to be the divine prophets.
[QUOTE=Cicero]
That would be silly. Cats need to be the divine prophets.
[/QUOTE]
Or lunch…
:eek: 
Eli