My grandson is in prep at school (he’s 5) and was invited to a birthday party for one of his school mates today.
Backstory: at kindergarten last year, he was invited to 3 separate birthdays. At each and every one, he froze, refused to join in and was apparently was too anxious to stay, so his mum bid bid their farewells a few minutes into each event.
Today, in hopes of him being a bit older now and with ME accompanying him to the party, we assumed he’d jump into the party-fray and have a ball. Well, he didn’t. Despite a jumping castle, some of his bestie classmates, and the Birthday Boy begging him to join in, he couldn’t or wouldn’t.
First I tried begging him. That didn’t work. I tried bribes…ditto response.
So I told him he was being a total baby, and that all his friends would laugh at him standing like a statue in the garden. At which point tears started welling and he dabbed them away.
I was awful. He’s FIVE YEARS OLD for gawdsakes! WTH was I thinking? He was totally having an anxiety attack about the thought of having to be ‘social’ and there was me adding to the panic!
Poor kid. My son was like that. He slowly out grew it. We didn’t always have our finest moments with him either. We make mistakes, we learn. I got very comfortable apologizing to him. Luckily, kids are pretty forgiving and resilient.
Some people are overwhelmed by too much stimulus (like a children’s birthday party with a bouncy castle).
Children can’t express this, so sometimes adults think they’re being shy or difficult.
Good on you for realizing that what you were doing wasn’t working.
Maybe next time you could talk about what he could do to take part a little. It can help if the overwhelmed kid doesn’t try to talk to the kids running around and having a blast. In this case, another overwhelmed or shy kid is a great companion.
Probably not a good day today, but we WILL be looking at different strategies to overcome his shyness. Funny thing is, he’s generally NOT shy! He participated in all the stuff at kinder last year, and is one of the most outgoing kids in his prep class at school, with no issues settling into the class environment at all!
I think it’s worth apologizing to your grandson. Let him know adults make mistakes too, and show him how to make amends. We all have to make amends sooner or later, so good modeling of that behavior is helpful. You might say to him that you were overwhelmed and reacted badly - so you now understand his reaction to the party better than you did before (where he was overwhelmed and reacted atypically). A long term plan for him might be keeping his peer socializing to small groups, and work him up at a comfortable pace to parties. If he does OK with groups at school find out what are the success factors there and see what you can duplicate in parties and playdates. He might not be doing well at school - but if he’s keeping quiet and still the teacher may think everything’s OK when it isn’t.
Please don’t beat yourself up too much for a single bad parenting reaction. I had plenty, but I got better.
I was like that, too, as a little kid. I was, and am, an introvert. Large groups of noisy kids overwhelmed me and I’d freeze up and retreat.
I remember some kind of community party that featured a pinata. A group of us kids were invited onto a sort of stage to whack at the pinata, and when it burst, the idea was that we all dove for the spilled candy. I just stood off to the side crying while my parents in the audience urged me to join the melee. Nuh-uh! It was too much of a scary mob for me.
They probably thought I was being difficult or babyish, too.
But really, DON’T EVER use peer pressure as a motivator. Ever. Even when the pressure is for something you want. It’s far too easy to set up the framework that we do things so other people won’t laugh at us/make fun of us/will like us, and down that path lies smoking, drinking and buying Crocs. Much better to praise him for standing up for himself and what he wants. He’s not blind, he sees what everyone else is doing and knows it’s expected of him (which is why he’s so terrified).
Also, just to assuage your fears a little bit, don’t borrow trouble. You don’t actually know that any of the kids would have started making fun of them, and it’s quite possible they wouldn’t. And if they do, that’s his battle to win, with whatever strategies he chooses to fight it. But I was surprised that my son was never, not once, made fun of for crying in class or at recess or at a birthday party. I expected he would be, and I worried he would be, but no. “Kids these days” are actually more tolerant than we were, apparently. He was an easy crier until 11 years old, but the other kids either ignored it or draped an arm around his shoulders in solidarity and support. It’s entirely possible that your little guy is known to his classmates as a quiet one who will stand and watch for a while and join in only when it’s his idea, and they’re okay with that.
But I do also agree with Typo Knig. A chat with the teacher might not be a bad idea. Often quiet kids are a blessed relief from the ones who are loudly acting out, but quiet kids can have issues too, and they’re not always as noticeable or urgent.
Could one trick be letting him know he doesn’t actually have to be social? At least, not at first. Parties are for fun. They aren’t about pressure. You can go as slowly as you like–there’s no rush.
He seems to have learned the “run away” tactic for dealing with anxiety. This will only make things worse. I wish I’d have known that when I was a few years older than him–though mine was about other things besides social stuff.
Good thread – our four year old faces similar issues, and this is helpful.
A tangential question, though: what is a “prep class” for an Australian five-year-old? I assume it’s not tutoring in preparation for university-acceptance exams – or is it?
I wonder if it wasn’t the ‘social’ aspect of the situation but rather the ‘novel’ aspect of the situation that frightened him? That might explain why he isn’t shy when he’s in familiar environments.
Does he spend much time at friends houses (where I assume the party took place)? Maybe getting him out and about a bit more might help him get used to being in unfamiliar situations.
Another approach might be to get him to bring along some kind of toy/game that he knows and likes, and invite one of the other kids to come play with him. That might help deflect his attention away from ‘this situation is novel and therefore stressful’ to ‘I know and enjoy this toy/game’.
I used to be just like that. I was bullied as a kid, causing real social anxiety, which just was fodder for more bullying. Horrible.
Which is not to suggest bullying is going on, it may be nothing of the sort.
All I know is, I had therapy, and I got better at it, but never really outgrew it entirely, as I still avoid social interaction as much as possible. My only advice is to talk it through with him and take it slowly.
I’m sure there’s no lasting harm. He’ll be zen about it. I empathise with that feeling you get when the small child in front of you unexpectedly dissolves and you realise you were on entirely the wrong page. Yikes!
I suggest you apologize and explain in adult terms: what happened; why you reacted the way you did; and what you were trying to accomplish. By doing this the event can show that adults can be wrong, adults can be humble and apologize when necessary, and that even when wrong there can be positive reasons behind the initial reaction (thus teaching that meanness was not the motivation).
These are all good lessons to share with a child, and the act of inclusion by including him in your reasons and thought processes are a bonding moment. In short, take this negative and turn it positive - there are plenty of good things you can do now which not only will make amends for the error but can positively influence your grandson for the future.
But by all means take ownership of the mistake and apologize. That lesson alone is priceless.
