I’ve stopped cowering when I see you. I’ve stopped shrieking for my dad/boyfriend/roommate/co-worker to come and kill you. I even didn’t kill two of you that I saw the other day- within 15 minutes of each other! I stay in my habitat as often as possible, and don’t tresspass into yours very often. So why, spiders, why?
This is a full-force attack on my sanity. I saw three of you in as many hours the other night, all while at work. You were all big suckers, too! I only killed the one, because it was an inch away from my shoe- it was a reflex! And then it had the gall to stick to my shoe, all eight limbs and dime sized body, legs sticking out every which way until I walked outside and wiped it on the doormat as a warning to other spiders what would happen if you came too close and suprised me.
But instead of taking a warning, you're getting more bold! When I moved in, there was one on my doorframe. Months ago, there was one beneath my door knocker. Last week (or so...) there was one on my couch. This week, three while I'm at work. Yesterday, when I got into the canoe (I admit, this was your territory, but I was on the water, from a dock, and you were not a waterbug, nor did you build the dock.). Finally, right now, one crawling up the wall next to my computer.
You are not invited guests, and this state does have the Make My Day law. I will kill you on sight. I will squash you with a shoe, a piece of paper, a tissue, a book... I am not afraid anymore, just pissed off. As previously noted, I will fight to the death- yours- against these new spider wanna-be overlords. May Og have mercy on your souls.
There is a female spider that has been sitting on the windowframe directly above my toilet. She has been guarding a clutch of eggs, and I will leave her until they hatch, after which I will carefully deposit those which become large carefully outside.
Or I can mail them to you if you need any more, perhaps?
I’m generally ok with spiders but I had to make an exception about a month ago. My roomie shrieked and told me to come into the kitchen. Walking on the floor was what looked like a wolf spider with hundreds of babies on the abdomen. I crushed it with my shoe and then a wave of what looked to be hundreds of baby spiders let loose in all directions, That image caused a revolting wave of pure disgust to wash over me. I had a can of bug spray handy and and sprayed them and then began squishing as many as I could. I think I may have killed all but three of four of them. I’ll never forget that horrible image of the babies spreading across the floor like that though.
I saw that happen in a hallway in my high school. Someone stepped on it, then many babies everywhere, with a couple dozen kids around suddenly freaking out and trying to kill them all. I’ve always wondered what that looked like to a distant observer.
I was wondering why my propane grill was shooting bright orange flames out of the burner, until I remembered the propensity of spiders to clog up the Venturi tube. Yep, sure enough, had to poke some webs out of there.
From The Honorable Ambassador from Arachnia to the United Federation of Species
To the most esteemed and beloved Lynne, Sublime Goddess of Arachnia: Solemn and Cringing Greetings, Forelegs Waving with Devotion…
Ever since we heard of your divine self (from a hidden but sincere admirer, behind the stove) we have universally accepted your acension, and only beg to draw closer in adoration. The spider you crushed had journeyed for days of severe pilgrimage, without fly or bug, only hoping to tap out in Morse code our secrets, as an offering, upon your toes. Perhaps you misunderstood the gesture.
Perhaps you disdain to be instructed on how to embalm your prey so that it remains fresh and living, perhaps this is why you chose to spurn his sacrifice. Perhaps he was too small, dull and hairless, be assured we are scouring our various species for a much larger, more colorful and thoroughly hirsute envoy! (At this time, the early voting seems to favor some of the Australian candidates, but several South American applicants retain some strong support…)
Be assured we will not falter in our devotions! Waving my forlegs in abject submission, my spinnarets throbbing with religious fervor, I remain…
I’m quite all right with my spiders. There was one that lived behind my sink cabinet for a while - she’d have her legs sticking out, I’d make a motion, she’d hide. There’s a web behind my toilet right now. The spiders and I have a truce - as long as they’re not in or on or around my bed, it’s ok. On the toilet seat is bad also.
I used to have mice. I haaaaated mice.
I still get slugs. They get picked up in toilet paper and either thrown out the front window or flushed down the toilet.
Spiders (and slugs, for that matter Merry) make life worth living. When I lived in Mexico there were these very flat kind of spiders about 3 inches in diameter (including their legs) who liked to congregate underneath things. So you’d lift, say, a picture frame off the wall, and about 10 of them would be waiting under there to say hello. Fun to watch them scatter… those suckers moved fast.
At our graduation review following basic training I stood in formation directly behind my drill sergeant. Now, standing in formation like that, one is not supposed to move around, or show expression.
Haven’t a clue as to how is got there, but walking around on the sergeant’s hat was a daddy long legs, waving it’s limbs, and generally having a good time. Hard to hold in the laughter, especially when you knew the sergeant couldn’t see it.
I bet you were one of those pedantic parents who kept telling us that pandas aren’t bears at all, but Giant Chinese Racoons. Well HA! HA, I say, we’ve been vindicated in that struggle, and we’ll prevail in this one. Someday, the Daddy Long Legs will be properly recognized as a spider once again!
When we lived in Texas an enormous spider took up residence in the overhang next to our side door. We named her “Queenie”, greeted her on entering and exiting, fed her the occasional snack and rejoiced when she produced eggs.
Leave them spiders alone and go out and empty the water-containing receptacles in your yard, to keep down the mosquito harvest.
And if you don’t want a pet spider, visit these folks for some great alternate ideas.
My parents have black widows at their house. I can’t think of anything else to say. Lemme just repeat that, there’s black widows over there. A whole bunch of them.
-Lil
