You heard me right you commie bastards!
It’s real convenient how you go and build a four story bookstore in the middle of Manhatten and put the cafe on the top floor.
Let’s examine a hypo-fucking-thetical situation for a moment, fartknockers. Say a, uhhh, friend of mine, we’ll call him odeirf, just wanted a cup of coffee and a muffin?
Ah ha! Odeirf says to himself, I’ll just march into that Barnes and Noble there!
But poor odeirf didn’t know what B&N had in store for him. Hmmmm, odeirf wonders to himself, I wonder where the cafe is? Oh, the sign says it’s on the fourth floor. Okie dokie. And look at this! All the up escalators are directly in front of one another, making my ascension trivial! How convenient!
But then he reached the top. While waiting on line to get his refreshments, he notices the new Linux Journal is on display at the newsstand, conveniently placed next to the line. Well he has to read it, of course.
So he pays for his coffee and muffin, and he decides to leave. Of course, the only way out is on the ground floor. Where’s the down escalator? Ahhh, all the way over-fucking-there!
And what’s this! The next down escalator, unlike the up-escalators, is not directly in front of this one, but all the way accross the store! Forcing poor odeirf to walk through a veritable jungle of bookshelves and merchandise to get to the next level down!
But it gets worse!
What does odeirf stumble upon on his arduous journey to the next escalator? Why, the computer section, and a brand new PHP reference is on display! Well, I’ll be a monkey’s red-haired retarded stepchild, odeirf needs a PHP reference!
Ah ha! The next escalator. Drops odeirf right smack-dab in the middle of the Classics section. Feh, odeirf mutters to himself, I don’t need no stinkin’ classics.
Until he sees, standing proudly on display, a beautiful hardbound anthology of the works of Emily Dickenson, complete with gold bordered pages and a little ribbon to use as a bookmark. Sold.
Well, after crawling through mountainous terrain and navigating jungle swamps, odeirf has reached the final and last escalator. The one that deposits him, again, mighty conveniently, in front of the cashier.
Odeirf pauses to collect himself and form a strategy. I’ll just go pay for what I have, and walk out the door. The cashier is right in front of me. OK.
Little did he know that the line for the cashier is surrounded on both sides by books, and odeirf quickly found himself surrounded, his left flank threatened by Bill O’Reilly’s new work, The O’Reilly Factor.
Odeirf happens to be a fan of Bill O’Reilly. And then there’s that new DVD release of The Abyss.
Finally, the cashier awaits me!
1 Magazine: $6.50
1 Big red PHP reference book: $38.00
1 O’Reilly Factor: $26.00
1 The Abyss $24.00
1 coffee and muffin: $7.56
Intended total: $7.56
Actual total: $102.06
Difference: $94.50
Well Jesus H Christ on a candy cross with sugar on top! Holy jumpin’ crackwhores, batman! Those rat bastard, slime bucket, bitch-fucking, brick-shitting, cumbags suckered me…errr…I mean odeirf, into paying more than $94.49 more than he intended!
In conclusion, I think those unclefucking cum receptacles should die a slow, tortuous death involving fire, acupuncture, verbal humiliation, and Janet Reno.