Ice storm, power's out. Roast ready to roast. I'll try to "quantum cook" the Heisenroast.

I tried to quantum cook a roast once, but by the time it had finished cooking it was on my neighbor’s plate. If only I’d kept better track of its momentum!

Do the calculations take into account that the roast is about as likely to spontaneously freeze solid as it is to cook?

Well, I’ve heated c-rations on the exhuast manifold of a weapons loading cart in the snow, so that’s probably faster than MikeS estimate, but what I really think the OP needs is an infinite improbability oven.

But that’s as likely to turn a roast into a potted plant as cook it.

Or a pot of petunias and a sperm whale hurtling downwards at terminal velocity with the whale saying, “Not again!”

Chronos, you’ve led me astray.

I waited, and now I have mold atop my coffee, and I can’t see what’s happening in there. What should I do now?

Naw, you just have to know precisely how improbable the roast cooking itself is, and I thought we’d worked that out.

I am still waiting for my toast. I had to close the window to keep the wind out and I am worried that I stuffed it up. Or is quantum tunneling sufficient that I don’t have to worry about the glass barrier.

OldOlds, what you do now is wait for the liquid to evaporate out from underneath the mold, because the mold layer can form some really cool shapes as it partially collapses. I speak from experience here: One of my high school teachers always brought in a cup of coffee in the morning, drank half of it, and then abandoned it on his desk, and ended up with all sorts of fungal sculpture by the end of the semester.

In all seriousness, I think that the mold growth depends on the cream rising to begin with, because pure black coffee wouldn’t be a very nutritious medium for mold growth.

What shall we call this new technique? I am thinking Reverse Phase Fungi Chromatography (RPFC) or perhaps Low Performance Fungi Chromatography (LPFC)