“I tried to wash my cheese grater and came up with a new use for it - sponge ruiner.” 
“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at…”
(continued) “…because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”
“I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I’ll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.”
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under “D”.
I’ve never heard of Mitch Hedburg, but then I don’t have cable.
When I read the thread title my first thought was Jake Johansen. Does that make me hopelessly square?
Well I never heard of the guy but just the quotes you guys have put in here have me in stitches, so I think I’ll be adding him to by “Must Buy” list.
Yes.
I like tennis, but now matter how much I practice, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
*This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… It’s dirty.
Someone handed me a picture and said, “This is a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “…Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” Where’d you get that camera man?
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.*
Oh my sides… How have I never heard of him before today?
I know I’ve seen him, but I can’t recall if this bit is his or not:
Sometimes I’ll put a potato in the oven; I’m not hungry now, but by the time it’s done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg SLAYS me.
" My friend said to me: ‘Man, this weather is trippy.’
I said to him, ‘No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy…’
then I thought…man, I should have just said, ‘Yeah.’ "
Here’s a whole page of his material (albiet in horrible color and display)
(continued)…“Four billion divided by six, at least”.
My absolute favorite bit. I was cracking myself up yesterday thinking of the donut receipt routine.
"When you’re walking down the street, and someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying. ‘Here. YOU throw this away.’ "
"he loves me. . .he loves me not. . .he loves me. . .he loves me not. . .
what do you think the flower’s thinking. . .ow, that hurts. . .that’s hurts too. . .that still hurts. . .he loves you not, and now I’m not pretty. I could have told you I had an even number of petals in the first place."
I’m gonna peee!!!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and catch up with 'em later.
You and me both, I guess. Comparing Mitch Hedberg to Jake Johansen is like comparing Crank Yankers to The Daily Show.
Was this guy on Last Comic Standing? Some of these sound like something I saw on the one episode of that I watched.
“A friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said no, but I want a regular banana later, so…yes.”
Hey, Jake is funny, too!