If Cecil was hosting an "Apprentice" show...

What would the tasks be?

What would the kiss off catch phrase be?

What would the successful task completion rewards be?

I’d have to think more about tasks and taglines and all that, but I do imagine heavy use of the question, “Do you really think you fought ignorance today? No, you didn’t fight ignorance…” but right now, in my head, it’s delivered in Trump’s voice, so obviously I have some editing to do.

“You’re banned.”

I’d win. :smiley:

Tasks: drive business away from a huckster. Convince a hippie to have her kids vaccinated. Write the definitive monograph on fish farts.

Kiss-off catch phrase: he wouldn’t have one. Instead, he’d tailor a smartass insult to each contestant as he kicked them off the show.

Successful rewards: copies of his books, of course. A meeting with him in a darkened room.


OPEN ON: Flyby montage of Chicago skyline
SFX: Dramatic music under throughout
VO: I’m Cecil Adams. I’ve built a media empire that includes a syndicated column, a web site, and a sporadically available message board.

Since 1974, I’ve been fighting ignorance. It’s taking longer than I thought. Obviously I can’t do it alone, so I’m looking for…an apprentice.

Two teams. One called “Dictionary,” the other called “Google.” For 15 weeks, they’ll compete head to head in challenges designed to separate the masters from the obvious.

My longtime assistants Little Ed and Slug Sigornio will serve as my eyes and ears. And each week, someone will get banned. (Nice call jayjay!)

Who will succeed? Who will fail? Who will be so obviously overmatched that you’re not sure how they got cast for this show in the first place? And who will be…The Apprentice?


Find a greater number of people leaving the Field Museum who agree with the statement, “Some dinosaurs had two brains” than the other team finds.

Be the first team to leave the House of Blues with someone who knows what “The pompetus of love” means.

Both teams get a quantity of ionizing air filters and a list of Mensa meetings. Whoever sells the most wins (and the rest of humanity loses).

Create a marketing campaign for The Trilateral Commission.

Teams are scattered along Michigan Avenue and told to race to the closest place where the Nike Ajax could be found. The winning team will be the one with more people in Jackson Park. The losing team will be the one with the most members in Niketown.

Each team is given a cockroach-infested building. The first one that finishes the job wins.

Teams are air-lifted to Kansas to teach evolution in public schools. The first team sued wins.

In a thrilling Heartland two-parter, teams must find one local who knows the cause of cattle mutilations.

Back home, each team is given a bag of Circus Peanuts. The first team to find a willing recipient for each one wins.

Each team runs a GNC store for a day. The team that succeeds in convincing the most customers not to waste their money wins.

Each team gets a specific neighborhood, some paint, and single night to fix all ungrammatical business signs.

One team goes to Wrigley, the other to U.S Cellular to find the most fans who know the five ways to reach first without a hit.

Sell tinfoil hats on the Magnificent Mile.

Collect the most 1920’s-style artifacts.

And in the highly anticipated two-hour finale, a single-elimination speed round involving -gry words, the etymology of “cop” and “tip,” and a race to boil water using either hot or cold, straight from the tap.

VO: Only one can win it all and join me in the palatial cubicles of The Chicago Reader. Only one can be…The Apprentice.


Brilliant! **Redsland ** wins it. No question.

Kiss off line…