If I don't want to hug, I'm not going to hug.

Each summer the newspaper at which I am an editor pays for every member of the staff to take two classes of our choice at a nearby junior college. I usually take a computer class and one other. The computer class is to keep me up on what is going on under my fingertips and the other is to keep tabs on what else is happening around me. Newspapering can be surprisingly isolating.

This year I took a class called “Someone I am…”. I am so sorry I did. It was two days of “visualizing our inner selves”, “grasping the angels we can be”, “stepping onto the great plain of our greater selves”. We placed our pain in rocks and washed them then threw them away. We drew pictures of our agressions (with crayons) and through a ceremony of dancing and chanting we destroyed the drawings… and on and on.

I (who has been compared to Lew Grant on the Mary Tyler Moore Show both physically and professionally) did it all and I screamed at no one calling them blithering idiots, moronic dupes or similar things I was thinking despite their earning the titles.

I was polite. If they wanted to resent their husbands because he happened to want to watch the baseball game on television rather than lie on the front lawn and chant something the insructor made up in a psuedo-language, fine by me (even though I thought the husband should have her committed to some sort of institution).

I even took part in the creation of final ceremony. We wrote a poem and recited it. We placed rocks and flowers around a candle we danced to some weird new age music and we chanted. Then it was over.

Everyone (except one - guess who?) headed for a group hug. I picked up my polished stones, my crayons, my journal, my bottle of natural spring water and sidled towards the door. Then I hear from the pack of bodies in the center of the room, “Doesn’t TV want a hug?”

Like the cur I am, I pretended not to hear and continued out the door fearfully thinking this was all one of those SPY Television things that my reporters set up intending to blackmail me.

Let me answer now. No, I do not want a hug from you! I hug, kiss, and say “I love you,” to only a handful of people in my life. I refuse to demean those individuals by doing and saying those things with an addled group of new age boobs that think the ultimate in sensitivity is dancing around barefoot in circles to a pan flute. It is a little thing, I know. But I refuse to do it. If it offended you, write a letter to the editor.



Bet you’ll be taking two computer classes next year.



Bet you’ll be taking two computer classes next year.

TV time, until you deal with these walls you’ve built to shut out meaningful human interaction, you’ll never be able to fully actualize your potential.

Because I need continuing education credits, I will be taking a class this Saturday. I have a busy schedule - so there was only one class available. I am forced to take “Feng Shui for the Face.”

While I can’t say I feel your pain yet, TV, I bet I will by the end of the weekend. :stuck_out_tongue:

bolding mine

What is "Feng Shui for the face? What did the course description say? What does this entail? I must know. Please give us a full description of this after your class.

TV Time said

So what does your inner self look like?

I’ll say - if someone were to rearrange my face I’d be feeling a lot of pain too! :eek:


Actually, I’m afraid they’ll tell me that my mother was right, and my life would improve if I just wore a little lipstick and shaped my eyebrows. :eek:

I’m with you. Hugging and kissing is for elderly relatives, kids, people you have sex with and people you are trying to have sex with.

People, reading your comments ALMOST makes having taken the class tolerable. If SDMB does nothing else in this world it provides some perspective.

And brujo I don’t know. Every time I tried to see my “inner self” the skin part kept getting in the way.

Good God, I like to hug people but surely not in a workplace context. That associates friendly affection with drudgery.

My greater self does not have a great plain. I am far more topographically interesting.

What, no courses in phrenotherapy?

While ordinary phrenology merely undertakes to analyze the personality through the contours of the skull, phrenotherapists hold that undesirable traits can be modified or removed by the firm yet precise application of contour-altering percussomassage.

All I need is a Latin word for 2-by-4 and I’m in business.

Sublight: All I need is a Latin word for 2-by-4 and I’m in business.

Hmmm. “Biquadratus”? Too neologistic?.. “Baculus”? “Virga”?

“Traba”, I think, refers to a large chunk of wood. Nice, short, to the point…

It’s your nose, see. It’s diverting all the positive chi eminating from your eyes away from your mouth. So you can never feast on the banquet that radiates from the windows of your soul. Instead you just get the watery drips off the end of your nose.

Noses are barriers between you and your regeneration process, letting your chi drain away into little puddles on the floor. This is also bad for your carpet (but that’s next week’s class).

Feng Shui demands that you chop your nose off and reattach it at the back of your head. This also much improves your negative vibration aerodynamic properties. Your head simply slices through everyday bad vibes, leaving scarcely a ripple.

As for your ears… have you any idea what two open doors into your mind can cause? The through-breeze just blows away your spirit. Bung 'em up with crystals!

“Feng Shui for the Face”? Jesus God. Well, at least it’s an opportunity to make the prof as miserable as you are. You might see how many times you can ask, “What exactly is the scientific evidence to support that assertion?” until the poor guy starts dreading seeing your hand in the air.

seawitch–Please please pleeeeease post and tell us all about Feng Shui for the Face! I’m dying to know. Are they going to tell you to tattoo red flowers on your cheek? Wear noisy dangly earrings to diffuse negative energy? Wear a fountain on your head?

As far as group hugs…well, we really need a barfing smilie, now don’t we?

No, that won’t work. It’ll just trigger an automated response about ‘conventional blinkered western science’ vs ‘ancient oriental wisdom’.

Far better to raise queries about whether this is discrimination against people with squints, or gapped teeth, or chubby cheeks, or whatever. Hit 'em on the vulnerable PC point.

“Does this mean that ugly people are losers because the universal forces and natural energies of Feng Shui hate their hidious features?” Bound to get them squirming. Throw in an innocent queries about racial characteristics if you want to see your instructor faint.

On my first day of college I went to something billed as an optional orientation for freshmen. It quickly degenerated in to a bunch of New Agey stuff. Among the “self-affirming” exercises was one in which you could stand up and everybody would turn to you and give an “energy ovation” which consisted of holding your hands in the air and shaking them. It looked like a field house full of Liza Minelllis. The MC would then ask you questions about yourself and tell you how wonderful you were.

My friends and I quickly realized we had to get out. The problem was that every time we got up to leave we received energy ovations and were peppered with questions by our Affirmation Coordinator or whatever the hell they called her. So we’d pop up, get the ovation and questions, then have to sit back down to stop the pain. It took us something like 30 minutes to get to the door.

Fengshui for the face - I love it!

Seawitch, perhaps you should start a thread for suggestions on “How to sabotage a Feng Shui for the face class”.

I think Futile Gesture is on the right track, though. Attack the PC angle for maximum effect. My suggestion, FWIW, turn up with a patch over one eye and surreptitiously swap it over, see if the instructor can cope. Or a stick on moustache, especially if you’re female :smiley:

Do you have to pass an exam at the end of it? Is there a practical part to the exam?