Sounds like she has a problem with the fact that you’re married to a woman who’s much younger than you and almost the same age as your stepdaughter.
A lot of people would see that as weird. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I think it’s a little odd. But not as odd as wanting to stay friends with someone after comparing his family to an incestuous, sexually exploitative harem.
I’d tell her that you do not like the person she has become. If she is losing friends and such she is on her way to being crazy cat lady. Perhaps buy her a cat as a goodbye gift.
OH and her reaction to the photo and the “I should have priority” comment would have gotten her a royal smack down from me.
Maybe you should bitch her out about being a horrible drag to be around and maybe, but probably not, she will change.
Well, in all fairness, it is pretty weird to have naked photos of your wife taken by your stepdaughter hanging up in your home office.
I also think that if this person is an actual friend and not just someone you happen to have known for 20 years, you should probably talk about the problems in the relationship instead of just “breaking up” with her (like a woman).
This might be the topic of a new thread, but the idea of “breaking up” with people you are friends with is stupid. You just don’t make the effort on your part and eventually it will drift apart. If they still keep calling then, well I guess you are just stuck with them.
Also, it seems to me that the best way to create distance between yourself and someone else is to tell them that you’re more important than their family. For her to imply that you should give her more consideration than you would your wife is ludicrous.
On preview, I’m pretty much in agreement with emilyforce, though I do feel that you should tell her why you’re doing what you’re doing if only to create a firm closure to the relationship.
Please–do not subject an innocent cat to the bitch. I suggest Skald repeat the statement she made & say that he found it unacceptable. (As would most right-thinking folk; she basically accused him of incest.)
No arguments. Then, goodbye.
I’ve been where you are and it is hard to do, but just because you have been friends with someone a long time doesn’t mean the relationship is reciprocal or worth maintaining. What you stated above is a lovely explanation. Let her know she offended your entire family, the people you hold most dear, and that you realize she has reasons for thinking the way she does but that you don’t want to expose your family to her negativity and innuendo. Let her know that you though about why you should continue to be her friend and just don’t see it as a workable option anymore because of her actions, that you won’t be discussing it again and hope she respects your decision.
I don’t think that’s true at all. I’m having kind of similar issues with a long-term friend. For me, friendships are really important, more so often than relationships because they tend to be longer lasting. The friend that I’m having issues with is someone who I value more than all the people I’ve dated put together, and she’s so important to me that it’s hard for me to just kind of ignore the whole thing and hope it will go away on it’s own . . .
Well, 20 years does (IMO) give her the right to ask for an explanation, but doesn’t make you obligated to give it to her. If you don’t feel like letting her know why you’ve ditched her, then don’t. Personally, I would – because I think even with a cold hard truth like what you have outlined here, it is much better to have closure to a relationship than not.
Near as I can tell, you are stuck with them for approximately 3 years after you stop answering those calls. I’ve got this one…person who I sort of befriended freshman year of college. At the time I thought she was just going through a rough patch for the same reasons I’d had one in the previous year or so. But no, she’s just a never-ending swirling vortex of need, and every little piffling thing is a huge dramatic emergency where she really needs you to listen to her and support her and blah, blah, blah.
I haven’t called this woman in…eight or so years, I guess. I frequently go several months or so without answering her calls because I’ve got enough on my own plate that I just can’t cope with her monologues and her constant need to rehash decisions she made 15 years ago. She still calls. And calls, and calls and calls. A friend of mine got sucked into the vortex with me and she finally managed to claw her way out. She just completely stopped picking up the phone about 4 years ago. This past spring, this woman told me that the lack of response was becoming hurtful, and she didn’t think she’d call my friend any more.
Wow, I have to agree with DianaG. Your old friend is a) being a total wet blanket about an art project the whole family is excited about (jerkish) and 2) is suggesting that the seeds of nefarious goings on have been planted in your household (alarmist bitch).
I think you should treat it as you would any other break-up with a bit of dactylic hexameter’s diplomacy: “I have an issue. As I’m aging, I am feeling more and more affected by your outlook on life and I feel very negative when you visit. I feel we have grown in different directions and it is unfair to ask you to change who you are. Our past friendship has been cherished, but I am no longer feeling that our rapport is enriching my life.”
That way you are being honest: her negative outlook on life is dragging you down and it’s just not worth it anymore.
A friend of 20 years and she did ask, so yes, an explanation is not unreasonable.
But allow me to dig a little deeper before all the doors are closed. She has known you for a very long time and, by your own admissions and postings, you weren’t always the person we know and enjoy talking to today. In fact, there are more than a few of us here who would have given you a beat-down on general principles based on your earlier attitudes towards women.
I’m glad that you have grown beyond that, but Merideth’s warning would have been completely justified at one point. I don’t know how close you have been lately for her to be completely comfortable with the new you and that the old Mr Hyde has been completely banished.
Based on your description of events, I can see two actions that led up this point. She probably should have been more discreet with her concern and brought it up to you alone. And second, I get the impression that Liz may have over-reacted to her saying so, whether to to tone of the comment or just that it could be interpreted as an attack on someone important to her that she trusts.
Obviously there is more background as you’re describing this as ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’, and she may very well be someone whom you and yours are better off without. Just keep in mind that like most things, friendships are far easier to break than to make.
“Your behaviour to my daughter and wife made it obvious that you no longer fit into my/our lives. Goodbye.”
StG
Since there was an event (Meredith’s comments about the photos) and you asked her to leave, I don’t think you really do need to spell it out for her further. She’s old enough to know by now that life isn’t fair, and that you don’t have to have any specific reason for not wanting to spend time wiht her anymore. You don’t have a contract.
The notion that she should have “priority” baffles me. Spousehood trumps friendship duration. “Forsaking all others” and all that. I certainly wouldn’t bring that up to her because that’ll make it seem somehow that it was Kim’s idea for you to drop her as a friend.
Artistic nude, dude. Seen only from the side, and long and convenient hair.
Just for the record, Liz isn’t actually my stepdaughter; I was never married to her mother, with whom I also had a son. I had no hand in raising her, as I spent much of her childhood being a selfish dick. I guarantee you that she doesn’t think of me as her father. I think the best I can hope for is that she thinks of me as a former asshole, now friend. (Though she does call my father Granddaddy, but that’s because my parents stepped up to the plate when both I and Liz’s father were avoiding responsibility for our actions.)
I have read this paragraph several times and have no idea what you mean by it. How is talking about the problems in a relationship not womanly?
I’d say so. She’s been in therapy for the last few years and regularly goes to sessions that last AN ENTIRE WEEKEND; these are called intensives and involve a great deal of role-playing so that the participants can “learn to see the viewpoints of their abusers.” She always returns from these sessions emotionally drained, and I frankly think she’s being exploited by a quack, but I tend to keep my opinion on the subject to myself, because she believes very strongly in it and I am not a mental-health professional of any stripe. And I’m capable of having unvoiced thoughts.
Artistic nude, dude. Seen only from the side, and long and convenient hair.
I have read this paragraph several times and have no idea what you mean by it. How is talking about the problems in a relationship not womanly?
This is what caller ID is for.
It will be a guilt-fest to not pick up when you recognize her number for the first few times she calls, then calls again, then calls again and you repeatedly ignore her messages and delete any thing that comes in from her.
Then you will pick up, out of guilt and that shadow of a friendship that you use to have and listen to her go off on some blather and you will realize that this person is no longer someone I want to actually want to spend time with, socialize or even think about anymore. And you manage to get them off the phone by using someone else’s cell phone to call you so your call is interuptted and you say to Meredith, " I have to go. This is an important call."
And you never pick up a call from her again. Passive-aggressive, yep.
It is perfectly normal to outgrow relationships. Running away from Swirling Vortex’s of Need is the best thing you can do for sanity.
Meredith sounds like she had some kind of claim on you. You were probably her only ‘successful’ relationship with a man that she’s ever had and viewed you as a surrogate husband of sorts.
I’m not sure you owe her an explanation, but since she’s asked, I think it would be “nice” of you to provide one. Keep it simple, but honest. Don’t be needlessly cruel, but I won’t think you are a horrible person if you opt for bluntness which hurts over a compassionate half-truth.
You’re obviously a good friend…can you just tell her that her negative thinking is becoming very tedious? People often don’t realize how negative they are and, once they start, typically can only see the negative side of things.
Or, people change. Relationships change. Your relationship with her has obviously changed. And it’s not making you feel good. Time to go.
You don’t owe anyone anything, but it could prove to be pretty cathartic if you just 'fess up the truth to her.
Ok, whatever. That’s your business. I don’t want to hijack the thread with your wife’s photos.
I meant that “breaking up” with a friend is something that I associate with how women behave in their friendships. My observation has been that women tend to be more black and white as to who their friends are or aren’t. Men, not so much.
What you really need to do, IMHO, is after a few minutes of her complaining, just be like “look. I understand you have problems, but it’s very draining listening to them for hours on end.” And just cut it off. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into them. If you keep doing this, she will eventually get the message. Ultimately she will decide that you are not providing the emotional support she needs (not your job) and drop contact with you or she will tone it down and become a more tolerable friend.
I guess what I am saying is you don’t just cut her out of your life (passively or actively). You address the specific issues and behaviors and define the boundaries of your interaction. She will either abide by the boundaries you establish or if she is unable to, the relationship will fade of it’s own accord.
I think this is what I would do. 20 years does deserve a little more than just call-screening.