And how much of an explanation should I proffer, if so?
Here’s the sitch:
I have a friend – well, at this point an ex-friend – whom I’ve known since college; I’ll call her Meredith. We’ve been close for 20 years now, but for the past few years I’ve been finding her more and more stressful to be around. She’s needy; she’s dogmatic; she’s incapable of seeing things outside her own world view. But she also has no family, and almost no friends, and I know she’s lonely. I know what that’s like; I didn’t (and don’t) like the idea of abandoning her, as everybody needs someone in their life whose willing to listen to them vent.
Over the horror-days, there was a small incident that was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back. So I checked with Mrs. Rhymer and asked her if it would bother her if we never saw her again; Kim replied that Meredith was my friend, not hers, so she hadn’t the slightest objection. So I stopped inviting her to movie night, and stopped agreeing to have coffee with her, and so forth. It took her a while to get that I was deliberately avoiding her, but now that she has, she’s sent me an email asking for an explanation; she says that two decades of friendship give her that right. (She also wonders whether I’m being influenced by Kim, which she claims is unfair because, having known me longer, she should have “priority.”
But I hesitate to respond to her. I mean, I could easily say, “You’re a spiritual vampire, Meredith, who sucks the life out of everyone you interact with. Hence the lack of friends.” That’d be true; it might even be something she needs to hear; but it’s just so hurtful I hesitate to say it.
I had a very similar situation, and I told her the truth. As a matter of fact, I believe my exact words were that she could “suck the joy out of a room in three seconds flat, and I just don’t want to be around you anymore”.
My phrasing was clearly unkind, but IMO she DID need to hear it, and attempts to express it more kindly had been disregarded.
She hadn’t changed much last I heard. I wish her well, but I’m perfectly happy to never see her again.
20 years? Yeah, I don’t think avoiding her is an option. But then I wouldn’t think that was cool for someone you’d been dating for a month. Of course, you’re right, whatever explanation you give her will likely be more hurtful than stone cold silence.
If you put up with her neediness for so long, why are you stopping now? And believe me, I know the type. I’ve played psych to friends who never asked how my day was, and I’ll admit I fed off their drama at least in the early stages.
What was the incident? (Come on. You know you’re going to spill eventually.) If she knows you’re mad about it and you end the friendship, it’s going to become ‘Skald dropped me because I did x. What an overreacting drama king.’
If she has been a close friend for 20 years and has changed over just the past few years, I’m surprised your attitude hasn’t been more one of concern than ‘get out of my life’.
Obviously, I don’t know the full story, but is it possible she is suffering from mental health issues that have made her unpleasant to be around?
Perhaps it’s more that she’s always been this way, but you were happy to put up with it until a particular line was crossed, in which case, fair enough.
I do think that after 20 years she deserves some sort of explanation, but I’d be very careful about how it was worded. Talk about specific behaviors and things she has done, and how those made you feel. Don’t word it in a ‘you suck the life out of everyone whose path you cross’ because that is just going to make her feel bad about herself without any knowledge of what behaviours/attitudes to life she needs to change.
Have you ever raised the issue with her before? If so, it shouldn’t be that hard to reiterate that you dislike the behavior in question, and have finally Had Enough.
I had this issue with a roommate of mine. The way I broke it off (I think it still hurt her, but was better than it could have been), was basically to put the blame on me. I said something along the lines of “I respond very emotionally to your emotional ups and downs. Since I can’t prevent myself from doing this, my only solution is for us to stop being friends.”
However, I’d tell her, since she asked. “We’ve both changed and I’m moving on with my life - and that doesn’t include you.” It’s almost the same as saying, “You suck the life out of everything”, but it’s sort of a kinder way of saying it. She probably will blame your wife. But that’s fair enough since you won’t be there to hear it.
Having been unceremoniously and without explanation dropped by a friend I’d made in high school - in the goddam 1950’s, for the luvva pete, I know it can hurt. I’d say any explanation is better than no explanation. But self-preservation trumps all, I think.
I’m interested in hearing what people say here—I’m in a very similar situation, and my attempts to wean off this friendship don’t seem to be working either, however in her mind the friendship is still there and we just haven’t had time for each other lately (she is a master of denial). My reason for non-confrontation is that she doesn’t “hear” things when they have to do with her. I’ve watched her do it with other people who seem to feel the same way about her. It’s like the monster who won’t die…sigh. But this isn’t my thread, so carry on—I’ll be sitting right here!
I’ve actually been on the receiving end of this twice over my lifetime. Both times with friends of over 5 years. And I can tell you it’s absolutely horrible to NOT know why. I’ve accepted that they don’t want to talk to me anymore let alone be friends. It’s been years since they happened but still, it gnaws on my mind. There’s no sense of closure, just the constant wondering “What the hell did I do wrong??” It’s horrible, trust me. I tried to talk to them and find out what was wrong and got no response in either case. And the longer you’re a friend with that person, the more it hurts.
I’d advise to at least tell her why, as nicely as possible. That way she can see what the reasoning was and take that information to do with as she will.
Okay. I live with my wife, Kim, and my stepdaughter from a previous relationship, “Liz”; both of them are both in their early 20s–obviously a good deal younger than me and Meredith. They get along very well. Liz wants to be a photographer and is always taking pictures. Among the ones she’s taken recently is one of Kim playing Lady Godiva. Obviously she’s naked in the picture, but it’s beautiful and tasteful, in part thanks to Kim’s conveniently long hair. They printed a copy for me and I hung it in my home office.
A few days after Christmas, Meredith came over and asked to see Liz’s portfolio. Obligingly Liz fired up the computer and showed off a whole raft of pictures, including the one mentioned above. Meredith rolled her eyes at the nudes in general and was vocally displeased to learn about the Kim-naked-on-a-horse picture. For them to have given that picture to me, she said, was very disturbing; it brought overtones of incestand harems into the household. It seemed to her that both Kim and Liz were putting themselves in danger of being exploited by me, she said, and it was something they needed to guard against.
Liz found this infuriating and stormed out. I told Meredith we had things to do that night so she probably should leave.
Yeah, I think you should do her the courtesy of an explanation, but I wouldn’t go in for insulting language. Just describe, as specifically and neutrally as possible, the bad things she does, and then admit that you just can’t stand being around her anymore. The first part of that prescription is the hard part, of course – some forms of offensive behavior are hard to describe concretely. But even an attempt to do so is better than calling someone a “spiritual vampire”.
Just keep in mind that if you do respond, you won’t have yet “tossed” her out of your life. There will be arguments, or promises of improvement, or drama, or something that will drag things out.
Wow. Does (did) she do this kind of shit a lot? If so, you didn’t stop being her friend, she stopped being yours. That isn’t a friendly attitude, and the lack of understanding of your life indicates that she hasn’t actually engaged in what you are doing in a meaningful way in a while.
I would tell her that if she demands it, but I think you made a good choice.
Yes, precedent be damned. Tell her you’ve supported her through the years (hopefully that’s true) and have always felt the relationship wasn’t reciprocal. Now it seems she’s moved from not holding up her end of the friendship to actually villifying you, and that’s completely unhealthy. If she can’t understand why her comments would provoke ire (even if you’ve held your tongue before), assuming she isn’t blessed with caustic wit, she needs help.
Would also like to echo Sahara– don’t let her make your wife or anyone else the villain.
Not really. Just typing out that story made me mad. But we were friends for a long time, and she wasn’t always like this. On one level I understand that she has had some trauma in her life and views everything through a certain lens. On the other hand, she seems incapable of realizing the problems with her behavior.
Lots of talk about rights, here. Such a legalistic approach is generally BS as far as I’m concerned, but especially NO, *nobody *gets some kind of grandfathered, automatic, logic-free “priority of influence” over you higher than your spouse. Not even your parents. Definitely not friends or Merediths. This is plain ridiculous.
If Meredith does not understand that this is unacceptable commentage on her part, I seriously doubt any explanation you could offer her now will help.
If you think you can tell her anything that will stop her bugging you about it, or cut down on her trash-talking you around the neighborhood, that’s one thing, but I don’t think you owe her anything.
“I feel like we’ve grown apart and I’m headed in a different direction. I’m sorry we don’t share a common perspective on life anymore, but these things happen. Take care and have a nice life.”
