Yeah, my mother was not completely serious. I mean, she is proud of the heritage and the philosophy of the Jews, and it is a little bit flattering that someone would want to join us. Yet at the same time it is a lot of trouble, and in some cases even dangerous. (My mother should know – she was in Bergen Belsen.)
I don’t think you understand the Jewish concept of a Messiah. There are specific things that must happen to bring the Messiah, and there are specific things that will happen when the Messiah comes. One such outcome is returning the dead back to life. It’s not clear if the really bad eggs get to come back, too! 
Indeed, and since Judaism doesn’t officially recognize converts OUT, but only converts IN, it’s not like those of us born into it have a choice in the matter. (Obviously, we have a choice of how much of the mitzvot to follow, if any, but officially, once a jew, always a jew).
I’m not sure I know the straight answer to this (or even, as with so many things Jewish, if there is a single, straight answer), but my impression was that if a person born Jewish made an express act of conversion to another faith, a faith that is not compatible with Judaism, at least some branches of Judaism consider them “not Jewish anymore” in spite of birth.
In short, it is perfectly legitimate to be a “Jewish atheist”, as athiests make no express acts of “conversion” to atheism - atheism is merely the state of not believing in a diety. One cannot, however, be a “Jewish Muslim”, as Islam requires an express act of conversion. A “Jewish Buddhist” is probably okay, because Buddhism is in some iterations at least more a philosophy and so not necessarily incompatible with Judaism, etc.
For non-Jews: this confusion results from the fact that Judaism is at the same time an ethnic/national/cultural identity, and a religion.
If there is one single trait that unites Jews of all sorts - believers and non, Orthodox to Reform - it is an abiding love of discussing the minutae of Judaism. 
Huh… ignorance fought. At least according to wiki, you’re right. Apparently the reform stance is that if you officially convert out, you’re not Jewish anymore. (Though the orthodox stance is as I said.)
Interestingly, all the factions seem to agree that no conversion back to Judaism is needed if you return after having converted out. This might be what I was misremembering.
No it isn’t!
True dat. Some favorite quotes:
“Ask not the rabbi for he will say a little yes and a little no.”
“Two jews. Three opinions.”
My first rabbi (that I recall) told me those way back when.
Anything’s up for discussion. And even if you can’t reach a conclusion the argument is the entertaining part of it.
Yes it is.
My variant on “Two Jews, three opinions” is “Sh’nei Y’hudim, shoshah minhagim” – two Jews, three traditions.
You can be born into Islam the same way you can be born into Judaism, so someone with a Jewish mother and Muslim father could arguably be called a Jewish Muslim.
My understanding is that what we call ethnic jews are usually ethnically Ashkenazi.
Of course there are other groups as well.
My understanding is that, in Islamic belief, everyone is “born Muslim”, but are potentially steered off the path by their parents. In order to actually be Muslim, a person has to honestly recite “There is no God but Allah and I bear witness that Muhammad is His Messenger”.
http://www.islam101.com/dawah/newBorn.htm
http://www.themodernreligion.com/convert/islam_conversion_main.htm
Thus, one cannot be both Jew and Muslim at the same time (except to those Jews, such as Orthodox, who do not recognize formal conversion to another religion). An infant is born ethnically Jewish; in Islam, all infants are “potential Muslims” regardless of parents; but until they make the formal submission, they are not actually Muslim in fact (and if they do, in some forms of Judaism they cease to be Jewish).
Yes, I know that Ashkenazim are not the only Jews. But I do not know for sure whether Shephardic or Mizrai Jews actually differ in this respect. I suspect they do not, as when I was in Israel I encountered some Shephardic Jews who were not religious (they were socialist Kibbutznic types, and so somewhat aggressively non-religious) but still considered themselves “Jews”, but I admit that this is merely anecdotal.
Here in North America, the vast majority of the Jewish population is Ashkenazic.
I wasn’t questioning your knowledge or saying you were ignorant. I’ll just say I find that on this board it’s sometimes better for me to explicitly state something that’s normally implied.
Anyway, in the link about the Ashkenazi
Bolding mine. So yeah, your experience seems to be the norm.
Not to worry: that someone may be equating “Ashkenazim” with “Jews” generally is a reasonable enough supposition. In NA at least, most Jews are Ashkenazic.
It was explained to me by a Jewish fellow at work that there’s an afterlife, but no hell. If you’re bad, you don’t get to be with G_d. If you’re good, you do.
Just back from services and seeing my 4th grader really do well as her class led the service! And struck by the prayers that emphasize the obligation to follow Torah, and the relative lack of any threat implied if you personally if you do not or reward if you do. Just do it. The threat and promise, such as they are, are to your people as a whole and to your future generations.
The Shema pretty well is the essence. Basically “Listen up! God is One. Keep focused on staying true to the Laws and teach them to your kinderlachen. Do this and ya’ll will do just fine. Worship other gods and and God’ll get pissed and your people will get wiped out. So don’t forget bubbelah. Really. We mean it.”
And also struck by how the rituals mean something. My wife is an atheist and yet she is upset with me that I did not particularly feel I need to be sure to be at services for my Mom’s Yartzeit that is coming up (that’s the anniversary of her death a year ago, and you participate in reciting a prayer, the Mourner’s Kaddish, in honor). No, no sense that something bad will happen if I don’t, just that it is something I should do. I just should. And so I will. Of course if I don’t something bad will happen to me: divine intervention got nothing on my wife!
Mazel tov!
From an article in the NYT on resurgence in interest in ritual funeral preparation (with communal participation):
Coservative Rabbi Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Literacy comments, “We don’t know if there is an afterlife because no on has come back to tell us about it.”