So, was in another thread discussing whether or not the US should join the Commonwealth, and someone mentioned that a perk would be the US getting to take part in Eurovision.
So, for kicks and giggles, let’s say the US joins Eurovision, either due to some political changes, network ratings ploys, or bizarre tectonic shenanigans. What existing performing group would represent the United States at Eurovision?
Becoming part of the Commonwealth wouldn’t make the US eligible for Eurovision, would it? I mean, Australia is part of the Commonwealth and we’re certainly not eligible, and there are heaps of non-Commonwealth countries who do take part.
If the US were to be in the competition for whatever reason, I think an artist like Miley Cyrus or Adam Lambert would do well - OTT, showy and very Euro-friendly.
In order to take part in the Eurovision Song Contest, you have to be part of the European Broadcasting Union (wikilink). As the map at that link shows, you don’t have to be on the continent of Europe to join, although the existing members of the EBU would probably not be interested in letting a North American nation join on. Among the nations of the British Commonwealth, only the UK, Malta, and Cyprus (and former member Ireland) are also EBU members. The EBU is responsible for the Eurovision Network, which distributes pan-European programming, the most famous of which is the Eurovision Song Contest. Most of the Eurovision programs are about music or sports, in fact, since those easily cross cultural and linguistic boundaries.
As to who should represent the US in the Eurovision Song Contest, I think you’ve misunderstood the point of the contest. It’s not about picking a group and having them perform a hit song, which everyone votes on. It’s about picking a new, as in never before released, song; in theory, at least, the performer is supposed to be secondary. The songwriter(s) finds a performer to record the song before submitting it to the national contest, or records it herself (himself, themselves).
You want to guess who has the best chance of winning? Good luck. Back in 2006, a rock group in monster costumes took home first prize to Finland for the first time ever, and some people predicted that the ESC had finally entered the rock era. Until 2007, when both rock acts and costume acts all sank like a stone, and the winner was a poppy ballad by a young woman in a suit. The highest vote total in history was earned by a funny-looking Norwegian kid with a fiddle and some dancers kicking hats off poles. This year’s winner? A German teenager singing one of those brainless pop songs with silly lyrics that gets into your skull and refuses to leave aaaaarggghgarblewarblegarble. Ahem. It’s anyone’s guess, really. Some years the novelty act catches people’s attention, and votes; sometimes they want another weepy schlager ballad. Good luck!
The one thing you can be sure of is the don’t want the UK entry 
It wouldn’t matter anyway.
Even were the USA to enter you would not stand a chance in hell of winning. Believe me, it is a political carve-up of biblical proportions.
The quality of the song has not mattered for decades now. All you need to do is come from a country that is not the hate figure de jour and put in a sub-x-factor style performance.
The USA won’t win because you are mistrusted, the UK won’t win because we are mistrusted and have taken the piss out of the competition for the last 30 years.
The obvious band is KISS. They could ride on Lordi’s shirttails.
We’d have to tow it overseas and anchor just off of England. If we get a big enough chainsaw, we could cut along the borders and leave Canada and Mexico behind.
And I vote for Lady Gaga.
Yup - everyone’d relish the opportunity to give the US nil points.
Especially if they misunderstood the contest and sent a big-name act instead of an unknown/relative unknown one.
I agree the US would have about the same chance of winning Eurovision as it does winning the World Cup. Not impossible, but highly unlikely.
For the past few years - other than Germany’s most recent win - most of the winners were determined by voting blocs of the neighboring countries. The vote is more political than the UN on a bad day. Has little to do with actual talent and quality of song.
The other thing to bear in mind is that I don’t think most of the people in the US actually “Get” the Eurovision Song Contest- the idea behind it is that if you can’t win, then you want to get as close to zero points as possible. It’s kind of like Golf with silly costumes, bad songs, and Terry Wogan doing the commentary. Well, not Terry Wogan anymore, sadly. 