If there's one thing I hate it's a dead Mexican Muslim litterbug, or I covet Sylvia Allen (R-AZ)

Sylvia Allen is a state legislator from Arizona. Her official website. She’s also a Young Earth Creationist and of course anti-gay marriage, anti-gays in the military, and all the usual partisan lines, but she’s also the author of this defense of Prop 1070 (the “Deine Papieren, bitte!” bill).

Okey-dokey, while I’ll admit I’m against Prop 1070, I’ll also admit that if I lived closer to the Mexican border I’d probably be a bit less inclined to scream “That’s fucking stupid!” on the issue. I also acknowledge that those who live close to the border probably have seen some very awful terrible horrible not good very bad things with illegal aliens. But my hatred for Sylvia is borne not so much of stances on immigration or religion or anything political so much as pure envy: with one little short apologia that’s gone viral on email she achieves effortlessly the type of high camp so many drag queens work an entire career in sequins and stillettoes yet never approach. I love some of these lines (bolding mine):

Now I could put up with the vandalism, and I could put up with the property theft, and I could even put up with finding 17 dead bodies (as long as they’re not all on the same day cause that’s just overkill), but them two Ko-ran bibles… that’s a step by Gum too far past the See Rock City sign!

For those not familiar, the Koran bible is a holy work by the same authors who brought you the Catholic Baghavad Gita and the Book of Mormon Hadiths. They’re standard issue in Mexico, where most of the population is Muslim, which is why they look so damned much like Afghan people- don’t believe me? Hold 'em up next to an Iraqi paper bag. It’s also an old Mexican tradition to leave a Koran bible for every 4 dead bodies you leave on a place (I believe the custom is explained in the lyrics to Guantanamera) which means that this poor rancher is owed at least 2 and really 2.25 Koran bibles, and I want to know who stole them!

Well all that shit is fixin’ to stop. Now with SB 1070, he can walk up and ask to see their papers, and if they don’t have them- they can take their murderin’ Mexican Muslim asses right back to Chihuahua! I’d love to see the look on their faces the first time they think they’re gonna talk their way out of this with a machine gun only to be at a loss when they’re asked for I.D… You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards, by God, I do! If there is one thing that will make a Mexican drug runner shit gold tortillas it’s being asked for paperwork.

You got me, I was kidding! I almost said it with a straight face too!

They sure will, and if they don’t then the little Illuminati fetuses who suckle on Michelle Obama’s extra nipples will jump through the openings in her shirt and erase the memories of the law enforcement officers.

Exactly. Which is why she brought up the drug trains and murders and Koran bibles. They come here to transport cocaine and heroin and other types of dope to liberals and their children to Hollywood adoptive parents, but they stay to work in kitchens and open bodegas and establish topiary sculpting businesses. All this would be done away with if you go to the ranches they’re coming across and ask for those papers.

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”

And maybe… just maybe… Sylvia Allen is a dumbass bitch whose time would be better spent licking the dingleberries out of my dog’s ass than trying to explain something that is impossibly too complicated to understand for somebody who thinks the world is 6,000 years old and that you can track Mexicans by the Koran bibles they leave next to every 4-9 dead people.

You’re just jealous because they have control of the illicit drug trade, and you can’t muscle in without upsetting the voters!

Note to self: never vote for anyone who either a. can’t use apostrophes correctly or b. can’t at least get someone on staff who can use apostrophes correctly to proofread their screeds. Seriously, this woman is an elected official?

Why don’t the ranchers let the first phalanx of armed guards by and then, when the drugs come marching by in formation, jump them and wrestle them to the ground? I mean, they can’t put up too much of a fight what with them not having any arms (or legs). They could easily confiscate the drugs with the guards a half a mile away in either direction.

The problem is fundamentalists, be they Muslim or Christian. The USA is slipping into a fundamentalist mire.

God help you if they ever join up with your homegrown christian fundamentalists. Well, he probably wont, because he’ll be on their side, but you get the idea.

I like this one:

Note to self: Canada is a Central American or South American country. Cancel trip to see polar bears; book trip to see Toronto’s rain forest.

I’ve heard the argument many times that we don’t need more gun laws, but to enforce the laws we already have. So why do we need this new proposition? Can’t we just enforce the laws we already have against vandalism, theft, and littering?

You misunderstand, Sampiro. They’re leaving behind the Koran bibles so that a U.S. citizen can step on them.

When that gets out, it’ll bring down on them the wrath of Allah Khan, swift and righteous, on the whole country of planet of Arizona Alpha V; he will then plant eels in the brains of all the citizens, after which they’ll slowly go insane.

Only no one’ll know the difference from the way they were before.

Note to Canadians: I am not from Arizona and I did not vote for this woman.

The thing that irks me about the whole thing, said slightly less facetiously, is:

How the fuck is requiring people to carry I.D. going to stop armed gunrunners from crossing the border and committing crimes? If I saw a guy with a machine gun and several dozen people behind him traipsing across my property, I’m going to somehow doubt that he’s terribly likely to be slowed down by the lack of paperwork or that he’s in doubt he’s committing an illegal activity.

At the same time, some idiot civilian or even some trained lawman going up to ask him for his paperwork in a border town is more likely to get said idiot civilian or trained lawman blown away than it is to stop the problem.

Since no reasonable person can be convinced that this is going to do much of anything to stop the alleged new KKK (Kokaine, Koran and Korpse) leaving Mexicans from endangering border dwellers- and not to make light of their problems, I’m sure it’s terrifying living there- then why is that even remotely relevant to why Prop 1170 is a good idea? And how the fuck do people like Sylvia Allen get elected? Who was she running against- some guy named Muhammad Rodgriquez Obama or a regional VP of NAMBLA? (Note: I’m not pointing fingers at the good people Arizona- I’m just grateful they’re giving some Alabama legislators some well earned vacation time by taking up the load of making the most dumbass comments the media can spread.)

I do not feel and never have felt that being stupid was a lifestyle choice- why would anybody choose it? I believe there are both genetic and social components to being stupid, but ultimately it’s something you can’t really change, and therefore I love the person [in the vague abstract ‘love = don’t want them beaten’ sort of way] but hate the stupidity, because they can’t help or change being that way. But they can for goddamned sure help running for office.

I dunno - given what happens in the evidence lockers of corrupt police departments, drugs can indeed get up and walk out of the place.

No, Canada and Mexico (plus any other) are together a single Central American or South American country.

Canada and Latin America are truely the worst countries in Europe.

You’re forgetting Afghanistan.

Canada will not be the worst country in Afghanistan much longer. Most of our troops are getting out in about a year.

No, that’s the worst country in Australia.

By the way, until I see with my very own nearsighted eyes the sworn testimony of those ranchers Ms. Allen claims to be quoting, I’m calling her a goddam liar.

I didn’t know Sampiro had a dog.

Isn’t there some doubt about whether the murderer of Robert Krentz (to whom she refers in her first paragraph) was an illegal immigrant or an American citizen? I’ve heard conflicting information about that and I think it’s probably too soon for her to state so surely that his murder was committed by “the drug cartel.”