Sylvia Allen is a state legislator from Arizona. Her official website. She’s also a Young Earth Creationist and of course anti-gay marriage, anti-gays in the military, and all the usual partisan lines, but she’s also the author of this defense of Prop 1070 (the “Deine Papieren, bitte!” bill).
Okey-dokey, while I’ll admit I’m against Prop 1070, I’ll also admit that if I lived closer to the Mexican border I’d probably be a bit less inclined to scream “That’s fucking stupid!” on the issue. I also acknowledge that those who live close to the border probably have seen some very awful terrible horrible not good very bad things with illegal aliens. But my hatred for Sylvia is borne not so much of stances on immigration or religion or anything political so much as pure envy: with one little short apologia that’s gone viral on email she achieves effortlessly the type of high camp so many drag queens work an entire career in sequins and stillettoes yet never approach. I love some of these lines (bolding mine):
Now I could put up with the vandalism, and I could put up with the property theft, and I could even put up with finding 17 dead bodies (as long as they’re not all on the same day cause that’s just overkill), but them two Ko-ran bibles… that’s a step by Gum too far past the See Rock City sign!
For those not familiar, the Koran bible is a holy work by the same authors who brought you the Catholic Baghavad Gita and the Book of Mormon Hadiths. They’re standard issue in Mexico, where most of the population is Muslim, which is why they look so damned much like Afghan people- don’t believe me? Hold 'em up next to an Iraqi paper bag. It’s also an old Mexican tradition to leave a Koran bible for every 4 dead bodies you leave on a place (I believe the custom is explained in the lyrics to Guantanamera) which means that this poor rancher is owed at least 2 and really 2.25 Koran bibles, and I want to know who stole them!
Well all that shit is fixin’ to stop. Now with SB 1070, he can walk up and ask to see their papers, and if they don’t have them- they can take their murderin’ Mexican Muslim asses right back to Chihuahua! I’d love to see the look on their faces the first time they think they’re gonna talk their way out of this with a machine gun only to be at a loss when they’re asked for I.D… You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards, by God, I do! If there is one thing that will make a Mexican drug runner shit gold tortillas it’s being asked for paperwork.
You got me, I was kidding! I almost said it with a straight face too!
They sure will, and if they don’t then the little Illuminati fetuses who suckle on Michelle Obama’s extra nipples will jump through the openings in her shirt and erase the memories of the law enforcement officers.
Exactly. Which is why she brought up the drug trains and murders and Koran bibles. They come here to transport cocaine and heroin and other types of dope to liberals and their children to Hollywood adoptive parents, but they stay to work in kitchens and open bodegas and establish topiary sculpting businesses. All this would be done away with if you go to the ranches they’re coming across and ask for those papers.
“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”
And maybe… just maybe… Sylvia Allen is a dumbass bitch whose time would be better spent licking the dingleberries out of my dog’s ass than trying to explain something that is impossibly too complicated to understand for somebody who thinks the world is 6,000 years old and that you can track Mexicans by the Koran bibles they leave next to every 4-9 dead people.