If Tolkien's Orcs were Neanderthals, what were Elves & Dwarves?

In a thread I can’t be arsed to look up, much less link to, someone opines that LOTR is a mythical retelling of a conflict between Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals.

Let’s run with that idea. What are the Eldar and Khazad in this scenario?

I reject the premise. The Druedain (Ghan-Buri-Ghan’s people) might be Neanderthals, and they’re ugly by our standards, but learned folks in the books reject the notion that they’re at all related to Orcs.

I think we all know who the hobbits are…

It doesn’t really make any sense, since they didn’t live anywhere near each other, but whatever, does it have to make sense?

Dwarves = Midgets
Elves = Gays

Which only proves that JRRT was gay, since the Elves were basically perfect in every way.

Oh, please. You don’t even have to go to the movies to find imperfect Elves. May I introduce you to Eol, Turgon, Maeglin, Maedhros, and Feanor?

Besides, they weren’t perfect… they were just fabulous.

Well, the dwarves would obviously be H. floresiensis.

Elves? They’re Bonobos.

Bonobos have way too much sex to fit in Tolkien’s world.

Fingolfin was a chick magnet.

That’s Turin. And every single woman in his life would have been better off if Hopafoot had accidentally stumbled and stabbed him to death one day when he was, like, 6.

Sure, Turin was the one they wrote all that stuff about. But, let me tell ya, what I heard about ol’ Fingy at the tavern … (finger to nose)

It was a joke, folks. I think you got whooshed.

I never thought Orcs were Neanderthals. If anyone in LoTR deserves comparison to them, it’s the Pukel Men.

The one ring was actually a cock ring.

“One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.” Need I say more?

Aren’t the Elves Catholics, with Elrond being the Pope? Of course that means that hobbits are probably Welsh. Or something.

Well, they do drinks a bit.

I agree. I am fabulous.