If we lived in a global dictatorship....

at least we wouldn’t have to put up with an election. Groan. Fuck it. Obama’s gonna win (probably). McCain was once all right, he’s a bit ropey now, relax. Normal service shall be resumed soon. The object of my pit is the world media. There are plenty of other attention worthy topics. This is a big and bustling world, so get to it, global meedya.

But the election is balanced on the edge of a knife, man! Don’t you understand?!?!?!


No, I don’t.

You have to watch very carefully! All the polls saying it’s going to be a blowout are outliers! The rare poll that says it’s close is the one that’s actually true!


Don’t worry, when we have a global dictatorship I will graciously allow elections. They will be total shams, of course, but they’ll be fun anyway. Also population control.

Oddly, most really good science fiction features a global (or more) government. For the most part, I’d rather live in those worlds.

And we’d all wear silver jumpsuits, with V-necks, that zip up the middle. Right?

“A newly released opinion poll found that support for the All-Wise and Benevolent Protective Father of All the Peoples of the Earth dropped from 99.942% to 99.897% in Lower Slobovia. In response, a spokessupermodel for the Fount of All Wisdom and Bestower of Blessings Upon Humanity said that support for the God Who Walks Among Us among real Lower Slobovians has never been higher.”

“In other news, Lower Slobovia was hit by a giant meteor.”

“Next up: Sports! The World SCRABBLE Championships kick off next week, after the finale of Firefly season seventeen…”

If you believe the paper I just had to read for my foreign policy class (which all by itself makes me more qualified to be vice president than Sarah Palin, except that I’m not quite old enough), we already do live in a global dictatorship. Everything is run by a global transnational corporate class and the rest of us are pretty much duped into doing their bidding.

Clearly you are not paying enough attention.

Maybe not, but we’ve had blinders put on us. It’s hard to see the dictatorial class – they are riding in the carriages we are pulling. We can only feel the sting of their lash.

No, pastel togas.

And the men would all have long white hair, and the women would wear clear sandals, and the little fuzzy aliens would do little fuzzy alien things…

What? Like the real future is gonna be better?

I always love how the women of the future wear those skimpy outfits.

And no underwear.

I, for one, welcome our fashion police overlords.

What, you thought global warming didn’t have an upside?

How come the Jetsons didn’t predict global warming huh? Lame!

Why do you think they lived in buildings on poles and never touched the ground? All flooded.

I thought it was to get above the ashen clouds of a nuclear winter?

Anyway fuck you McCain, Obama, Palin and that other guy for wasting my newspaper’s column inches. Grrrrrr. I don’t care to know what a bellwether state is! Gar!!! Gragh!!!

Look, it’s quite simple. A wether is a castrated ram, so clearly a bellwether is a castrated ram that you vaguely know (i.e., rings a bell). Geez, it couldn’t be more obvious!