If you could make your own TV show, what would it be like?

Cafe Society
1

Note to the Mods: Sorry if this belongs in IMHO. I thought it was too close to call, and went alphabetically. On to the post…
I’d like to make a debate show, kind of like Crossfire or McLaughlin Group, but with some major differences.

  1. No interrupting people when they’re trying to talk. This will be enforced (see below).

  2. There’s a panel of judges sitting offscreen. The judges are there to determine if one of the debaters uses a logical fallacy or just flat out lies. (Naturally, the judges will have access to Google and Lexis-Nexis.) If the judges determine that a fallacy was used, a lie was told, or someone interrupted, the offender is punished.

  3. These punishments come in three levels. First offense of the rules gets a Level One, and so on. Viewers like a variety, so here’s just a sample.

      Level One Punishments:  A vicious Super-Soaker attack from a pre-selected audience member, a good old-fashioned "rat-tailing" with a towel, or a raw egg smashed into the coiffure.
  Level Two Punishments:  A quick blast from a firehose, enforced pants-removal, or a nice torrent of green slime from the ceiling(in tribute to Double Dare).
  Level Three Punishments: Being put into the stockade for the remainder of the show (of course, they still have to debate), a sound whipping from the House Thrashers,  having to find a golf ball in a giant tub of live cockroaches.

Oh, yes, and Ann Coulter will be one of the first guests.

2

Well, there’s a bit of well-poisoning in there, but here goes:

Spacefaring science-fiction show where power is manifested in a military but controlled by a civilian government that is not weak, cowardly or corrupt. Occasional policy conflicts do occur, and half the time the “bad guys” win.

Y’know, like Star Trek. But good.

3

It all starts when I’m revealed to be the sole heir - intellectually and financially - of Gene Roddenberry. Thus COMPLETE control is handed to me, of ANYthing Trek.

Then I’m going to make it different. The new series will begin with the standard pompous PC self-righteous sticks-up-their-butts collection of crew, faffing around the galaxy in a big faffy ship. Maybe it’ll even be one of the ships from a previous show - not TOS. Say it’s Next Gen, though. We announce with a great fanfare that Next Gen is coming back as a tv show, and wheel all the original characters out for the first episode… in which the ship is boarded and captured by a marauding band of space maniacs straight out of The Young Ones. I mean it. Headbutts galore. Fart jokes. We pull in Parker and Stone as writers. The leader of the pack declares himself captain (played by either Rik Mayall or Adrian Edmondson, with the other as his first officer - basically the Dangerous Brothers), and the original crew are relegated to the brig.

Except there’s far too many of them for the brig so they have to eat some of them, and the rest they banish to the Holodeck, occasionally changing the program to whatever dreadful thing they can think of.

They are not in chains by the end of the episode. This is the new show. They really have taken over. The show is wildly successful, in fact the only people who don’t like it are the original fans, and consequently the original cast HAVE to stay in it because it’s the most successful thing they’ve ever done. The whole storyline script thing gets a lot more adventurous and they dedicate themselves to breaking the Prime Directive at least once a day. Every time Starfleet try to get their ship back they are roundly trounced by the slapstick skills of the new crew. What use are energy weapons against a well-aimed frying pan?

(also they start talking to the camera a lot. At the end of every episode viewers get to vote for which original cast member they want to see launched into outer space)

It would be brilliant, and everybody would have to agree with me, because I am the new Roddenberry. Red Dwarf fans would flock to the new show finally acknowledging everything after series 2 of Dwarf as self-indulgent twaddle (course my show isn’t self-indulgent in the least). The ship is renamed “ARSE”. This is painted on the hull in giant letters.
ohhhh I’m sorry but I’m SO SICK OF STAR TREK AND IT’S **$&^% PRECIOUS **&"!! PRIME &*"(& DIRECTIVE.

You see where I’m coming from.

4

Er, you’re going to need to figure out the punishments up through at least Level Twenty just to get through the first episode. (I suppose that the obvious escalations of “enforced pants-removal” would be good for ratings, though borderline anorexic women don’t do it for me.)

5

Seven more years of Deep Space Nine but with Joss Whedon as one of the co-executive producers alongside Ira Steven Behr, Michael Piller, and a returning Robert Hewitt Wolfe.

And Peter David should be a consultant.

Yes. I’m well aware that I’m a one-note geek.

6

A politics-oriented version of Penn & Teller: Bullshit! Essentially, it’d be an hour-long weekly program, exposing the lies and exaggerations and mistaken beliefs of American government, with jokes, mockery, and eye-catching stunts (magic tricks would be cool, too). No sides are spared, no cow is too sacred, and – most importantly – no partisan spin whatsoever. The show is working properly when everyone denounces it. :smiley:

And Aesiron, I’d rather see PAD do a Star Trek: New Frontier TV series, wouldn’t you?

7

My show would take place one studio over from where they tape the Jerry Springer Show. When Jerry’s guests leave his stage, they’d walk on to mine. They’d then have 30 seconds to give me one good reason their continued existence on this planet could be viewed as a good thing. Then I hit the switch that dumps 'em all into a vat of sulfuric acid.

Then the audience and I would watch MST3K reruns until the next batch of troglodytes are available.

8

The only probelm with that is that some of his more out there ideas would never translate to a small screen. Ensign Janos, Zak Kebron, and Burgoyne 172 are all going to be a little difficult to pull off convincingly.

Then there’re the Redeemers, the Great Bird of the Galaxy, the Dogs of War…

Now if it were a *movie * franchise. Hell yes.

9

Titanic: The Series

There were over 2000 people on board. And every one of them had a story.

Every week the ship will sink. But each episode will focus on a different group of people. Sometimes it will be a family in steerage. Sometimes it will be a wealthy heiress. Sometimes it will be an Upstairs/Downstairs look behind the scenes at the crew themselves. Part of the excitement each week will not be knowing who’s going to survive … .

There will be a permanent cast that reappears throughout: Molly Brown, Captain Smith, Bruce Ismay. They’ll appear in little cameos in each episode to help the story along.

An entire seaon will be planned out in advance so the storylines interweave. So you’ll be watching one scene and be able to see another scene from a previous episode playing out in the background.

Imagine two episodes back to back. Each one focuses on the story of one half of a couple. They get separated and try to reunite before the ship sinks. The first episode ends with the man waiting for the woman, but she never shows up and he has to leave without her. In the second episode you see how heartbreakingly close she came to making it.

There could be reoccurring minor subplots. A lost little girl shows up in episode after episode. Each time the main characters from that episode help her a little. Will she ever find her mommy? Tune in next week.

What do you think, sirs?

10

I was just thinking of a show that would be ideal for the Food Network. It’d be called Food Police and it’s be kinda like What Not to Wear where you have a crew steathily following somebody around recording what they eat. After a week, they’d bring in the person and have them consult with a nutritionist who’d tell them how they were going wrong foodwise. The nutritionist would also go through the person’s kitchen, throwing out bad food and restocking it with good food. And there would also be a recipe section fo the show where the nutritionist would show the person how to make quick fast meals tailored to their tastes. OK, typing it out makes it sound boring but I’d watch it.

11

I like the idea=)

Mine would be one of a couple ideas -

first - Medieval Mythbusters. Each week we would take on a different fuckup about peoples ideas of the middle ages and renaissance, or even as far back as greece and rome, like the whole spices existed to cover the taste of rotten food, or never bathing, wearing clothing until it rotted off - you know the sort of thing=) We would have fun going to europe and hitting museums, libraries and existing castles and showing things properly.

Alternately, something like Colonial House/1900 House but each season would be a different era from history, starting with Roman House, at about 1 AD, then Gael House, doing same vintage celts, then Britannia house, set just about the fall of rome, 425-500 AD or so, then CHarlemagne House, set in roughly 900 AD france, then Invasion House - Anglo Saxon briton, 1000/norman invasion showing 2 households, one norman, one anglo saxon. Something about 1200, and another in 1400 renaissance italy. then elizabethan house set at the juncture of henry 8th and elizabeth 1st, say 1540ish. Unlike the whole PBS series, I would actually use people with a clue instead of making it like a ‘reality’ show like 1900 house and Colonial House [what a fucked up series, talk about seriously inaccurate in so many ways!]

12

The All New Richard Bey Show!

Come back, Richard. All is forgiven.

Seriously, if you never watched his original program, take the Jerry Springer show, and mix in elements of Double Dare. Rednecks fighting over who they baby’s daddy is, and suddenly, they’re offered $200 to Jell-O wrestle live on television.

It was just the best show evar.

13

A moody “dark” comedy about a supervillain organization bent on world domination. And in the series finale…

…they win.

There will be ethical undertones and “morals” to stories, but they’ll be twisted to a villain’s point of view. The holiday episode will be a “downer,” to say the least.

Lots o’“Retro” technology. Avro Arrows, Jet Packs, scary unbuilt Nazi designs, etc. At least one main character will be an undead skeleton warrior.

Overall, the “Jhonen Vasquez meets Ian Fleming.”

14

[hijack]

Burgy would be a good makeup job, Zak would be CGI (it’s cheaper every week), and Janos could be saved for the third or fourth seasons. You wouldn’t want to do a literal adaptation of the books and run out of material in six months.

[/hijack]

But it’s gotta be the old, quiet, disarming-with-sarcasm Zak. No one else will do.

Where’s the petition?

15

Mine would be like the old MTV show “Celebrity Deathmatch”, but this time it would be real.

Celebrities would be abducted and forced to fight to the death for our amusement.

First round would be a tag team match between Bush/Cheney and Kerry/Edwards.

I may allow them to use mideveal weapons on each other.

16

I think you’d really enjoy a comic book called Sleeper, from this description you give.

17

Of course we wouldn’t want a reinterpretation of the books. They’re perfect as is and don’t need to be adapted to the screen. Just let those fifteen books be the series bible and let David cast more adventures with those as his foundation.

I suppose Burgy could be created well enough with some fangs, a little bit of latex and a sock stuffed in the actress’ crotch but I don’t like the idea of a CGI Kebron… he’ll soon be way too dated. I guess you could always try the Chiklis/Thing or Perlman/Hellboy approach and put him under a lot of latex that makes him look more impressive than he is but the guy’s practically a moving mountain and would lose something in his scaling-down.

Janos… well. I don’t know. A huge white gorilla with a horn on his head would probably be just as difficult to pull off and, to me, he’d be as integral to the crew as, say, McHenry. Not really front and center like Calhoun or Shelby but not quite window dressing either.

And what about Arex and M’Ress?

Would we have both ships or just the Excalibur?

Do you think Ashley Judd would sign on to reprise her role as Lieutenant Lefler?

There should be one. It would be tied with DS9 as the best Trek ever.

Man, now I really want to read my New Frontier novels again but they’re all packed up almost three thousand miles from here. Sigh.

18

The show is not camp. It is a serious attempt at a children’s show. While it’s a little weird so were Hey Vern It’s Me Ernest, Amazing Live Sea Monkeys, The Mr Potato Head Show and especially Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. The monsters are more funny than scary. Their designs are no scarier than monsters on Power Rangers, The Muppet Show, or The Storyteller. All monsters are significantly less frightening than those on GooseBumps and Are You Afraid Of The Dark. The show contains numerous jokes that adults will get but that kids won’t. Think of Sesame Street’s H Ross Parrot, Placido Flamingo, Monsterpiece Theatre with Alistaire Cookie, or any episode of The Simpsons.

(he picture comes up. We look out over a wild forest. In the distance is an ominous castle on a huge hill. The theme song begins. Various snippets are shown in time with the lyrics. Care has been taken cnot to use any clips that will result in fines for copyright infringements. Note that all the Universal horror classics and most other horror films can be used in this manner as long as credit is given. The music is nice and bouncy.

Proffesor Von Fun! Proffesor Von Fun! It’s time to visit Proffesor Von Fun!
(Footage of a coockoo clock striking the hour. The door opens and a bat pops out)
Put away your toys and drop that gun
(footage from Flash Gordon serial showing villian holding large, ridiculous looking ray gun)
We’ll visit his big laboratory
(lab from color version of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde)
He’ll tell us jokes and a nice story
(shots of an ominous figure in robes reading from an evil-looking, black book to other hooded figures)
Come in and see Wayne the Bat
(shots of the audioanimatronic, cable controlled, Wayne puppet)
Learn how to bake honey glazed rat
(the next line is said by Julia Child as she stands in a kitchen)
Just add a pinch of this and a pinch of that
Have fun while you’re educated
(footage from[can’t remeber name made for tv film about alien hiding in people’s bodies. NOT The Hidden] showing a man in a lab coat writing bizarre equations and alien symbols on a black board)
Watch the creature get reanimated
(footage from Frankenstein. The doctor stands over his creature while a storm rages)
It’s the best thing on TV
(shot of a disembodied hand atop a television set)
The weirdest show you’ll ever see
(a quick series of shots. The Hollywood squares set from Hideous Mutant Freaks. The Crawling Eye. The Kelvin from Battle Beyond The Stars. Flying fish from Piranha 2: The Spawning. The talking stump from Troll. A shot of a sumo match. Shot of Galagher riding a bicycle with one square wheel and one triangular one. Shot of the cast of H R Puffnstuff. Shot of midgets wearing hats with antlers and playing musical instruments[from Nickelodeon’s early promos for Nick Rocks]. Shot of the facade of Zipperhead. Shot of a smoking pickle [accomplished by running voltage through the pickle]. Shot of a man with really big thumbs [from Dr Science]. Shot of Bela Lugosi wrestling an octopus. Shot of Banana Man. Shot of cyclops from Wizards Of The Lost City. )
So even when villagers have you on the run
(quick montage of angry mob chasing monster shots)
Always make time for Professor Von Fun
(Fade in to laboratory. There are numerous
lightning balls, jacob’s ladders, oscilliscopes, vials and tubes of colored and bubbling fluids and so on. I’m wearing a white lab coat, Einstein style wig, and a gray goatee held on with spirit gum. My features are rounded and softened. Disney has long used rounded features to portray gentleness. My skin is colored a yellowish green. I looks more than a little like the Muppets Dr Hunnydew Bunsen. )

The Professor is talking on a strange looking telephone. He speaks in a classic-B-movie-Transylvanian accent.

"Yes Count, of course you are my friend."
Murmuring is heard from the phone.
"Of course I want to have you on my show."
"Because If you appeared on my show I'd be slapped with ONE,
              yes,  ONE massive lawsuit! I would be hit for SIX, SIX figures."
More murmuring
"That sounds great Count. I'll see you in THREE, yes THREE days."
The Prof notices the camera.
"I've got to go. My guests are here."
More murmuring.
"Thanks, Count. Goodbye."
The Prof hangs up the phone and looks into the camera.

"Hello and welcome to my lab. I am Proffessor Victor Von Fun. I have performed many experiments and invented many great things in the past. The six legged turkey (shot of cooked turkey with six legs. Just cook turkey halfway, sew on extra legs and resume cooking. The skin tightens, conealing the thread) The first portable phone (shot of a huge assortment of vacume tubes, wires, oscilloscopes, rheostats etc mounted on a large freight cart and attached to a rotary phone.) But tonight will be greatest experiment ever. 
(Close up of Prof's face)
"For tonight, I will invent my own TV Show!"
(Two shot of Prof and equipment)
"As you can see, I have already made a wacky sidekick, Wayne the
              bat!"
Prof gestures to the lab equipment. Hearing no response, he turns and
            notices that Wayne is not there.
"Wayne! Where are you, you fershlugenner (a term invented by Mad magazine. It sounds Yiddish but is just a made up word)bat? The show has
              already started!"
(Shot of Wayne. He is made out of latex, foam rubber and other fx materials. I will have started with molds of other characters (Yoda's head for example) to make up for his lack of sculpting talent, then added and removed details. The result is that Wayne is skillfully executed but not a copyright enfringment. Wayne is cable controlled.  I'll get a friend to create a program that runs Wayne through a series of movements while playing his recorded dialogue. The set contains hidden  remotes that allow me to activate the next sequence by sending signals to his computers infrared port. These remotes are well camouflaged among the lab equipment.)

Wayne is in a nest among the rafters. He is reading a comic book. His wing blocks most of the cover, but we can see just enough to know that it is an issue of Batman.
"He has fancy equipment. A plane. A car. His own show. All the women are crazy about him. So how come I'm just a second banana living in a basement?"
"Wayne!"
Wayne looks up when he hears the Prof. He drops the comic and Flaps his wings. 
(Rotoscoped shot of Wayne flying through the lab)

(Two shot of Wayne and Prof)

Wayne is leaning slightly forward with his wings open. The equipment he is perched on is shaking slightly. Wayne turns his head and looks at the professor. His articulation is better than Chuck E Cheese but nowhere as good as anything by Henson.
"Sorry Proffessor. I lost track of time."
Prof turns to Wayne.
"You always lose track of the time. As soon as this show is over, I'm going to invent a leg watch for giant bats."
Prof regains his composure.
"Wayne isn't there something you want to say to our guests?"
(close up on Wayne)
He nods vigorously.
"If you watch our show, I know we'll have a great time together. If you don't watch, the Proffesor will turn me ino stew."
(close up of prof. He's adjusting a bunsen burner and looking at large book)
"He's just kidding folks, I would never hurt my friend Wayne."
The professor puts a vial over the flame and closes the book. As he turns away from the equipment, we can just make out the title 101 Ways To Cook Bat. Vampire afficionados will notice that the author is Nick Knight.

I won’t bore you with a full episode. But, every episode will include the Professor having a telephone conversation with a famous monster (‘Yes, Count. I love the cereal. But, once in a while it would be nice to have maybe a casserole, or burgers.’ fer examlple), and a visit by the neighborhood kid Tommy the zombie (Tommy has skin covered in gray greasepaint, tattered clothes, and is basically yucky in a fun and an nonthreatening manner). The Professor will do simple science demonstrations, but also tell stories and answer kids letters-both science questions and the usual advice questions on bullies, divorces, etc.

:sigh: Maybe someday.

19

I would like to make a TV show about a civilian security contractor working in Iraq, with a sort of Tour of Duty feel to it.

20

Celebrity porn.