If you don't start using your lily-white hands, I'll be forced to tear them off.

The BBQ Pit
1

You are not a doctor scrubbing for surgery. You have a working immune system (or you wouldn’t be working in this building where the flu can travel faster than a juicy rumor). Your hands function. I’ve seen them move on their own.

SO WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU USE THEM?!

Last year, the work-fad that drove everyone batfuck was idiots trying to prove their machismo (or fachismo) backing into itsy-bitsy little parking spots. (Backing in is harder…takes better aim.) Idiots would take 3 or 4 or 6 tries to get into one. (“No…wait. I can get it…pull forward, turn the wheel to the right…reverse…no…too far to the right…pull forward…a little left. No more… No. Too much. There…reverse. No.”) while traffic would back up for blocks.

This year, the idiot’s fad of choice is to use the men’s washroom without once using any body part above the belt. I’ve noticed this for the last couple of months (long before the anthrax scare) but today…today was the final straw.

Today,I was stuck in two meetings back-to-back that I couldn’t leave (well, I could’ve but…) Following the second meeting, my bladder was filled to the brim. If the humidity had gone up a fraction of a percent, my bladder would’ve exploded like a handgrenade.

I rush to the bathroom. There’s two urinals, two stalls, both being used. One person ahead of me. I consider running up the stairs and decide that stairs would be a BAD idea at the moment.

Person 1 leaves urinal one. He flushes with his elbow. I roll my eyes. He’s gonna wash his hands anyway, so why bother? But…

Dickhead 1 (in front of me takes his place. He unzips and makes a big deal out of shaking Peewee out of his briefs. His fingers never touch Peewee. He starts to piss and holds his hands up as though he was doing the mime-in-the-invisible-box routine. His fingers must not touch Peewee! NO GERMS MUST TOUCH HIS FINGERS!

Dickhead 2 finishes and decides that flushing would involve touching the anthrax-flavored cootie encrusted lever and doesn’t. I approach urinal 2 and flush. As I’m doing so, I notice Dickwad 2 trying to turn ON the faucet through force of will. He doesn’t want to get his fingers dirty again…BEFORE washing :rolleyes:

Anyway, I start to pee, when Dickhead 1 finishes. He does a doofy-looking pants-dance wherein he hopes, by careful pelvis thrusting, that he can retract Peewee, without touching it. He succeeds.

Meanwhile, Dickhead 2 is trying to figure out how to open the door (it opens IN) with his foot. Turning the knob with his shoe doesn’t seem to be cutting it. I consider explaining the concept of opposable thumbs, but refrain. He does this every time. Someday, I trust he’ll learn.

But as this drama unfolds, Dickhead 1’s act doesn’t end once Peewee is ensconced in the PeePants. After zipping up, young Archimedes decides to be a good citizen and flush the urinal. By kicking the lever.

Kicking. Like as in Kung Fu.

Like as in: the lever snaps and Fenris gets doused as water pours out of the socket that the lever fit in.

And since I was in mid-pee, I couldn’t stop and kill him.

I did happily report exactly what happened to HR and Security when they questioned me.

The Lesson: There are germs everywhere. They’re probably not gonna kill you. Yes, that means your lily-white hands will touch the icky lever. It’s the price of being a man: We can piss standing up but we have to touch the lever, the knobs on the sink, the towel dispenser and the door. I’m not saying to piss, wipe your dick on your hand and then eat a steak dinner (sans utensils) from off the bathroom floor. I’m not saying to root around in the bathroom garbage looking for a syphllis-y gob of mucus to rub in an open wound.

I’m simply saying that if you’re that terrified of germs that you’re gonna try to kick your way out of a bathroom, go live in a John Travolta-esque plastic bubble somewhere.

Either learn to use the paper towels to cover the apparently icky lever and door handle or suck it up and realize that whatever doesn’t kill you’ll just make your immune system stronger.

Besides, it’s not like a reststop that gets cleaned every decade or so: the cleaning lady is in 3, 4 times a day to sanitize.

So quit being all fussy and dainty and get the hell outta my way when I have to piss. Ya delicate magnolia.

Fenris

PS:
Obviously if you do have a real immune-system problem, this doesn’t apply entirely. You would have take extrodiary precautions. I understand. But the paper towels as gloves solution is still better than the Jackie Chan, destroy the restroom method.

2

Take me through this again. The guy refused to touch his own wanker? Whose germs does he think are on there?

3

Ah, machismo among the toilet set - cracks me up every time. :smiley:

Esprix

4

They refuse to touch they’re own penis, the urinal lever, the sink knob, or the door knob.

Pretty screwed up to me.

5

You really shouldn’t touch something if you’re not sure where it’s been. Maybe he’d been drinking hard the night before?

6

If there’s something on that guy’s dick that’s so bad he can’t get it on his HANDS, he’s about to die a horrible painful death anyway.

7

By denying their bodies the chance to get to know the germs that lurk on urinal levers, door knobs, etc, these people are quite possibly weakening their immune system. When one of the dreaded bugs does get into them, they will have no relevant antibodies. So they will die, possibly writhing in extreme agony with froth pouring from every orifice. This is nature’s way of weeding out the less-worthy.

8

I’ve seen women do similar things. You know, you’ll see two feet in the stall next to you, and they’re facing the wall ('cuz she’s afraid to sit down, too). Then one foot comes up, and you hear a flush.

I don’t get it. You just used toilet paper to wipe yourself. If you’re afraid of germs, use more toilet paper to grip the handle. Then wash your hands when you exit the stall. It’s a lot easier. Especially when you’re trying to get your leg all the way up there when you’re wearing a skirt & high heels. That’s just freakin’ dangerous.

9

Where the hell do you work? At a junior high?

10

In situations like this, it’s fortuitous that Fenris can bite people’s hands off when he’s pissed.

11

Guy wakes up with a terrible hangover and no memory of the night before. Looking at his dick, he is horrified to see 2 rings around it, one red, one brown. Panicing, he rushes to the Doc, who examines him and tells him he’s got good news and bad news. The good news is, the red ring is lipstick. “What’s the bad news?”, the guy asks. “The brown ring is Skoal.”

12

Hemlock: exactly my thought!

Persephone: Women do this too?! :eek: Somehow I’d had the idea that the “flush with your foot” thing was a purely guy issue. Another illusion shattered. :wink:

Amp: Close…a call center. While I run the tech-support department which tends to get more experienced people, a lot of the other call centers have first-time employees. Many of whom have no idea about appropriate work-behavior (not all of 'em. But enough…) People who don’t understand why you have to be at work on time. People who don’t understand that a “Fuck You” tee-shirt isn’t appropriate work dress. And don’t even get me started about the kid I caught reading a smut magazine (“Lusty Lurid Nurse Tales” or somesuch) at work. On the job. :rolleyes:

Fenris

13

Just to clarify for some Americans who seem to enjoy the British word “wanker”: I do not think it means what you think it means.

A wanker is somebody who masturbates. It is NOT a penis.

There is no reason for me posting this here other than the fact that this is about the fifth time I’ve seen this in a couple of days and happens to be the point at which it seems to be worth gently correcting the error.

Of course if someone wishes to point me in the direction of a dictionary that indicates that “wanker” means something else over the pond - in the same way as “pants” or “jelly” - then I retract and apologise.

Otherwise - you have been told.

I shall now leave you in peace. Or should that be in piss?

pan

14

Here, in beautiful leafy Kingston Bagpuize, where the sky is the colour of an unlaundered gym sock, and the pigs have all been sent off for slaughter… sorry, where was I?..

… there have been Developments in the, er, lavatorial arena. Specifically, there have been rather a lot of Developments arising from, well, improper aim. I don’t know if the targeting problems arise from the sort of behaviour Fenris describes, but I do know that conditions got so bad that management have Taken Steps.

The Steps they have Taken? They have placed a mirror in a slightly below waist height position, just above the bowl. So, now, all gentlemen making use of the facilities can see exactly what they’re doing.

Somehow, I resist the urge to stand and admire myself before that particular mirror…

15

Well, kabbes, I don’t have a dictionary (hehehe . . . dicktionary) handy (hehehe . . . han–oh, alright), but here in America, in my experience, wanker can mean penis.

I’m going to take two stabs in the dim light (as opposed to dark) and say that pants are undies and jelly is semen.

16

Yep to the first.

As to the second, I’m never going to be able to eat what I think you might call Jello, again.

17

So, the guy who didn’t want to touch his privates–would his name be Jame Gumb?

18

What? Jelly is semen? <gag>

Oh man. Then what the fuck is “ice cream”?

19

Mid-pee would have been the perfect time to spin around towards him! :smiley:

20

A few days ago, I was in the ladies room, as I am wont to do, minding my own business in the far stall. In comes a co-worker of mine. She runs into the stall right next to mine, unzips very loudly, does the hovercraft thing for a quick violent burst of pee, and then zips back up. No toilet paper was unfurled in the entire process. She exits the stall, fixes her hair or make-up I’m guessing, coughs a unique smokey cough that identifies her right away, and then leaves without washing her hands.

I’m still kind of amazed by this. And totally grossed out. Way too many violations of the unwritten restroom code.

And I agree with cleosia. Were I a man getting covered in water, I would most CERTAINLY have rotated my hips in a more aggressive direction.