Well, I’m sorry, but this is it. Tomorrow you’re going to die, and you’re going to die by being eaten by an animal. There is no getting out of this; tomorrow is the last day of your life, and it’s going to end when something kills you and eats you. Or maybe it’ll eat you and then you’ll die in its belly.
So here’s the question: what animal you you like to be eaten by?
RULES:
It must be an animal that exists today. Nothing extinct is allowed (or everyone would pick a T-rex 'cause that would be really awesome.)
It must be an animal that could actually, conceivably kill a human being in the process of eating them. No dumb answers like “A fuzzy wuzzy bunny rabbit.” Rabbits don’t eat people. An animal that would normally not eat people i- few do, really - is fine, as long as it is an animal that COULD conceivably eat a person out of hunger, anger, or whatever.
You can’t choose “human.”
If the nature of the animal is such that you would conceivably be eaten by the animal only if many of that animal ate you, you may select that. So it’s acceptable to say “a school of piranha” or “a pack of dingoes.”
I’m sorry to inform you of this, but, regrettably, it’s been decided that you cannot be humanely euthanized and then presented to the animal of your choice for consumption. Part of the sentence is that the animal that will devour you will do the deed itself. Whatever physical state you are currently in, you will be taken to a place suitable for that animal to eat you, placed there, and the animal will attack you and eat you. The manner of the animal’s attack is part of the experience, and you would be well advised to consider how that animal is likely to attack ahuman-sized target to eat it. If the animal decides to rip your guys out and eat your intestines while you shriek in horror, well, c’est la mort. But if it decides to bite the neck first and you die swiftly, I guess you lucked out.
5a. To maintain the spirit of Rule 4, you may not be eaten by carrion eaters, such as vultures, unless vultures would actually kill a person themselves, I dunno.
The animal must not necessarily be inclined to consume every bit of you but it’s got to eat a lot of you. So if, like, a mountain lion typically only eats half a person, good enough, that counts. What does not count (my wife got me on this one*) is a mosquito or some such thing that “eats” a tiny bit of you and gives you malaria.**
So… Choose. Choose the animal that will eat you.
This was a hypothetical question.
** - She figured that would give her time to say her goodbyes.
A crocodile. It would be a few minutes of sheer terror followed by a very quick death.
I have been watching a show on CBC (from Australia) called Bondi Vet and crocodiles are the scariest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. They absolutely terrify me with their reptilian dinosaur appearance. I might die before I even get bitten.
Actually, fatal exsanguinations by salt marsh Aedes mosquitoes have occurred (in cattle). But I think I’d want to go less itchy and more quickly by, say, a large Nile crocodile. Horrible death, though.
Edited to add to Leaffan’s comments: Yeah, I think I would be so freaked out I wouldn’t have time to really think about it…and then it would be over.
The “death roll” is a pretty typical maneuver for a gator/croc. I think you’re right about the “few minutes” part; if they grab an extremity and spin, it’ll be painfully destroyed (saw a video of this happening to a gator wrangler; gator grabbed his hand and twisted his arm through a couple of rotations). Death after that depends on when the croc gets around to chewing on the rest of you.
If they grab the main part of your body and spin while in water, you’re going to drown, and it’ll be unpleasant.
My vote is for a lion or tiger. You may get injured painfully during the hunt if you resist the attack, but if you submit, they go for the ventral part of your neck, clamping down with their mouth; done properly, they’ll pinch off your carotid arteries, and you’ll be unconscious in less than ten seconds (and dead soon after that).
Great White or Salt Water Croc - again not a little nibble, but legitimately trying to eat me. It would be quick and helped by the accompanying drowning.
I would pick an anaconda. Rather than getting my arms ripped off or my throat ripped out, it doesn’t seem so awful the way a constrictor kills its prey. I would be squeezed until I suffocated, and totally dead by the time the swallowing part happens.
I’m going to go with a tiger. A large Siberian tiger. Ain’t too many of 'em left; I’d be happy to be providing it with some much-needed sustenance. I’ll just hope that it finishes me off quickly. I will try not to make too much of a fuss as it snuffs me out…
I’m going with a big cat, too. I was thinking cougar, but the bigger the better, so probably a big ol’ lion. They all kill by grabbing and snapping the neck. Seems fairly quick and as humane as it gets in the world of Nature.
This was my thought, too. I’d go with the anaconda, unless I can think of a venomous animal that would also eat a person (preferably one whose venom is not excruciatingly painful and is fast acting).
I’ll go with a pack of hyenas. It’ll be pretty much the same fate as the lions (grab throat in crushing jaws, goodbye) but make a far worse story for Thanksgiving. “Remember when Uncle Jophiel was eaten by that pack of hyenas?”
I was going to say Great White Shark, but I am afraid of the water.
So, Siberian tiger it is. I thought their preferred mode of attack is a bite to the back of the neck, so it would be quick. Then the female would drag me back to feed me to her kittens, and tiger kittens are cute.