Correspondence. Emails, phone calls, setting up appointments, etc.
I’m fine with the personal correspondence, but everything else?
Oh, and milk supply. My husband drinks a lot of milk, so a milk shortage requires a visit to the grocery store.
You could keep a cow. Yoko maintained a whole herd of Holsteins (say that three times fast) so John could drink macrobiotic milk.
Pencil sharpener
Well sure, but I still want this because I hate going to the hair salon and I hate picking up poop. I’d be sure they wash their hands between tasks.
Professional joke writer. They can come up with witty comments for any occasion.
I’ve always liked the idea of having a fish tank and having bonsai trees but both require upkeep, so I’d hire a fish tank maintainer and a professional bonsai pruner.
Most of the positions I might hire someone for aren’t all that niche–cook, driver, personal assistant, groundskeeper, and maybe a maid or house cleaner would suit me fine if I was wealthy enough to hire staff.
However, I decided long ago that if I am ever rich, and have mad millions to play with as it pleases me, I’ll find a plump man with a hairy butt and hire him as my seat pre-heater. As in, if I’m out and about and need to use the facilities, I send Mr. Warmer in to sit on the throne for half a minute before me. Thus sparing me the unpleasant sensation of sitting on a cold toilet seat ever again.
I’d hire two people: a live-in handyman, and someone I can say “remember this for me” and when I ask, they can spit back what I said.
I like fried chicken, but hate getting my hands greasy. I would hire someone to remove all of the meat from the fried chicken.
Someone to tag and organize my files, especially artwork. I save tons of character art that I come across cause it looks neat, but it’s very hard to sort through and use, because when I need something, it’s hard to find. So someone to tag it all so that if I want to find a black-haired woman wielding a sword dressed specifically in chainmail, with green eyes, I can immediately pull up all the art that matches exactly that.
…of course, realistically if I had that kind of money I’d just have an artist on-demand to immediately draw me a custom character portrait and not have to rely on saved ones.
My own personal flosser.
After rereading the Bertie and Jeeves books (PG Wodehouse), I really want a butler. Maybe you just need a tall butler… “And voila, the cow creamer has successfully been retrieved from the nether reaches of your top shelf, m’lady. Is there anything else before I make drinks?”
Therapists for some people I know and experts in certain fields to teach me what they know.