I'm 100% miserable and I don't know what to do

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Today I took my daughter to get her wisdom teeth extraction consultation. Her dentist, my BIL, forgot to fax over her panaramic x-rays. He’s on vacation now and won’t be able to get them faxed over until he returns in a week. He didn’t even utter a “Sorry.” Yippee.

The surgeon’s assistant said, “No problem. We’ll re-do them.”

I said, “Wait a minute. My insurance company isn’t going to pay for 2 panaramic x-rays in a month.”

“You don’t think so?”

“No. Would you if you were them?”

“Probably not. Our charge is only $95.”

“Only? Why would I want to pay $100 out of my own pocket for something that was just done a month ago? I’m sorry but I’m going to have to reschedule the appointment because my brother-in-law didn’t do his job.”

That was just one hour out of our day, on a day that I had a million things to do. And it annoyed the hell out of me. Your situation, monstro, is exponentially more important. I can imagine how you frustrated and depressed you must feel to trust doctors to do their jobs so that you can get the answers that you seek. And you have every right to feel that way.

All I can say is that I sympathize. I hope you find the answers that you are looking for, very soon. My mother went undiagnosed for ten years before a doctor finally figured out that she had Scleroderma, which is a bitch of a disease to get. But I can tell you that even knowing that it was a crappy disease, the relief that she felt in finally knowing what she was battling, was immense.

Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you.

82

Weed isn’t about being cool after your out of high school, it keeps you relaxed in a world that’s full of stress… So the talk with your therapist worked, congratulations… Now you can try moving to the next step, make friends without paying them.

While my words were worthless to you, they sure gave you the strength to tell me they were meaningless. Which has to be better than words of suicide, I can’t say I didn’t help. You were standing up for your self (which you value at?). You only responded to my posts… While you may never understand how I helped, I feel like I did.

I know what depression is and I know what suicidal thoughts are, I payed attention to where it all came from. I won’t continue because obviously my words are worthless but when I read your title to this post I figured you wanted some options and not words of caring…

83

Smoking pot is not an “option”, dude. First off, I don’t like the stuff…it smells worse than tobacco IMHO. Secondly, I’m highly predisposed to developing a negative reaction to it (I presume you haven’t done the recommended googling). And thirdly, it is illegal. Do you know what they do to pretty young thangs in prison?

And not that it’s any of your business, but these people have me hopped up on enough benzos to kill a water buffalo. If I were any more “mellow”, I wouldn’t have a pulse. Perhaps it’s because of the drugs that I can’t summon up the appropriate level of anger.

So no, your words are not helping. You are like a pesky fly buzzing over a festering wound (like the gratitious “make some friends” remark. Why do you think I’m in therapy, for goodness sake?) Just because I’m waving you away does not mean the pain from the wound is not there. If you don’t want to gush or say “everything will be alright”, that’s fine. Just stay out of the thread like the other Dopers who don’t like these kinds of threads.

84

Hey Monstro!

I don’t think we’ve ever interacted on the board, but I’ve noticed your posts and have always found you to be one cool, sharp cookie! Seriously, I’ve enjoyed most everything you’ve written and you’ve made me think about a lot of things.

So please hang in there and I hope you get some news soon. I know what it’s like to wait for a diagnosis. Sometimes, the waiting is worse than getting even the worst one you can think of. I do hope you find out something soon.

In the meantime, breathe, then realize you did everything right. It’s just that the system makes us all wait forever. And that sucks!

85

Hennessy. Hole. Digging. Stop. Please?

86

Just now saw this… monstro, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But do know that the people here love you. I had the same outpouring of support and encouragement from them many a time, most recently when my husband’s liver has started to fail. They’re wonderful folks who believe in each other. And from what I’ve known of you, you deserve every bit.

Please take care of yourself and know that if you ever need to talk, I’m another person who would be thrilled to listen. We will always be here for you.

87

Hennessy:

Do not give advice that will lead people to break the law; do not suggest ways to circumvent the law. These are both against the rules of the SDMB. If you post another recommendation that monstro or anyone else should self-medicate with this or any other illegal drug, you will get an official warning.

Monstro has made it clear that she understands and rejects your “advice.” I am hereby instructing you to stop harassing her in this thread. Ignoring my instructions on this point would also be grounds for giving you an official warning.

I trust I am being crystal clear here. If you have any doubt whatsoever about what I am saying to you, PM me or start a thread in ATMB. This thread is not the place to argue the point or to continue with your pro-marijuana agenda.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

88

Jesus, couldn’t yall at least upset me before you ban me? Most people go out fighting but I’m getting banned because I defend medical marijuana.

I read the title to this post, she said she was miserable and she didn’t know what to do. I alone, told her something she could do, others gave her sympathy… I didn’t realize that is what she wanted because she claimed otherwise. Although some people did tell her to call the suicide hot line, I wanted her to get the thought out of her head because it doesn’t need to be there.

Monstro, marijuana does not induce dumbness like benzos do, you will still be the same person, it doesn’t make you forget anything, it just helps you recognize your stress from a less stressful perspective. Again, it will not remove the stress, it will help you to remove the stress.

I don’t know why people only read what they want to read, they will skip 6 words just to make it sound the way they want it to. Some won’t even read, they will just form opinions. Some don’t even give things a chance, they just go off what they read or heard from someone else.

You seemed desperate, I do feel the world could get a long a lot better if we all smoked weed but I don’t go around telling everyone that. It seemed you were running out of options (read title) and that is why I through that out there.

I never came in as the enemy, I was treated as the enemy. And this is the world we live in…

More personal note, depression and suicide is not unfamiliar to me, sympathy just doesn’t work for me though so I refuse it. My only option is to tell myself I’m not worth killing myself. I remind myself that there are almost 7 billion people on this earth, so what the hell makes me so special? Not a god damn thing - that is also the reason I don’t feel sorry for myself… My life may not be perfect but neither is anyone else. Killing myself would be giving me too much credit and I refuse to be that self centered.

Read: I actually relate

Anyway, good luck to you and I hope you find what your looking for, or perhaps find out what your looking for.

Let me kill myself before you put dirt over me, please…

89

Hennessy, I am giving you a warning for ignoring moderator instructions. I told you to stop using this thread for advocating the use of marijuana, and I told you to stop offering advice to monstro that she understands and does not want.

You then came back in and did both of these things.

Again, if you have an issue with me or what I have told you, PM me or start an ATMB thread. Do not post in this thread again or I will give you another warning.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

90

I just saw this thread or I would have responded sooner.

Monstro, I flirted with you once a long, long time ago in a thread where you linked to your picture. I think the idea of having an “internet crush” on someone you hardly interact with and will probably never meet based on a single photo and a few message board posts is utterly ridiculous, but whenever I see a thread on “Doper crushes,” you spring to mind. I remember noticing your penetrating insight on this board long before I saw your picture. We’re about the same age, and when I read that you’d gotten your PhD (at a time when I was struggling greatly with my life) I felt happy for you and even proud in a way. I’ve struggled with mental health issues myself (mostly depression) and the fact that you accomplished so much with such great difficulties gave me hope and courage.

I agree that it is horribly selfish to tell someone that they have to continue suffering a life they can’t bare in order to spare others the pain of losing them, but also know that if I ever read that your life had become so miserable that you chose to end it, that I would really, genuinely feel an enormous loss. I haven’t read your every post or every thread you’ve started, but when I see you in a thread I’m interested in, I always enjoy it. You’re incredibly smart, hardworking, thoughtful, and–yes–stunningly beautiful. I can only imagine how much the people who actually know you must think of you!

It’s hard to know what people are really like based on an internet persona, but if anyone was going to spill the beans on someone for being a saint on-line but a bitch in person, surely it would be a sister. Yours seems to think you’re pretty awesome, too, though. In fact, it seems to be the general consensus here! (and Dopers would tell you if it weren’t!) So I’m guessing I’m not too far off base.

Like lots of others here, I’d be thrilled to count you as an actual friend if you ever want to send a PM or an email.

91

Depressed? Of course you’re depressed–you’ve felt like rancid monkey ass for Og knows how long, and there’s nothing that will grind you further down into the nub than that. I understand, I’ve been through it myself. Although all I ever got out of my doctor at that point was “Well, you’re fat. And probably depressed, even though you won’t admit it. Try taking a walk instead of sleeping 16 hours a day.” Um, and that’s going to do what about my yellow skin and elevated liver enzymes, exactly? At least your doctors are taking your issues seriously.

I’m sorry you’re disillusioned with your doctors right now, but in a way they really are like the Wizard of Oz. Once you peel back the curtain of education and reputation…there’s just a perfectly ordinary man back there. And being perfectly ordinary people, they don’t know everything, and don’t always remember or think about things they do know. As the joke says, pobody’s nerfect. Try not to let it get you too down.

92

Dealing with doctors, their staffs, medical tests, and the time spent waiting in between these, is surely as close to experiencing the terror and futility of the mythical abyss of hell as a person can get outside of experiencing war.

Hang in there Monstro. We’re all pulling for you.

93

A friend of mine used to say, when things got really dreary, “If only I could die for a while …”
Maybe, if you try that thought, you won’t think you have to face an I/O option and act on it?

Will you consider ‘alternative’ therapy? Acupuncture, meditation & yoga, and/or therapeutic massage? (I have a degree in hard sciences and work in the ‘western’ medical industry, BTW)

Have you looked for PD clinical trials? Even if you are not accepted as a subject, you might get a diagnosis, for or against?
Here’s one site I found on google: http://www.pdtrials.org/en/browse/location

Have you looked into genetic testing? About Parkinson's Disease

Are you feeling well enough to talk about the dirtiest little secret in US medicine?

94

I am sorry to hear of your troubles, monstro. Why haven’t the docs worked you up for Parkinson’s? Sure, you’re young, but it’s not unheard of in young people.

IANAD, but the MS possibility makes sense given what you’ve shared here. Trying to keep track of doctor info, lab tests and results and the insurance paperwork is a nightmare for healthy, energetic upbeat people. It’s hell on earth for those who are sick.
Just a suggestion, but perhaps an anti-anxiety drug might help? Or perhaps an anti-depressant? Not knowing a diagnosis/prognosis is an anxiety producing state. Have you been on SSRIs in the past for depression? Then again, they’re usually used with mood disorders and actually, you have every reason to be depressed <rueful smile here> so never mind. I am glad to hear you see a therapist. When I was seeing mine regularly, I used to tell her that I was paying her to be my friend. It was partly true–on my end of things. She helped me a great deal, mostly by abiding with me. She met me where I was and witnessed it for me and with me. Such validation is priceless. I hope your therapist is doing the same for you.

One day at a time. Hell- one hour at a time, if need be.

95

Shit, monstro, I don’t know what to say, but I just wanted to let you know I’ve got your back.

96

Monstro, I’ve always enjoyed your posts; you’ve always struck me as so funny and so smart. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have depression, too, and I know a bit of the despair and the zombie-esque-ness of it all.

And, further, I have some inkling of your fears in regards to PD. My father started experiencing the symptoms of PD at about your age, but it took years and many neurologists before he was properly diagnosed. One of his first symptoms was depression (and deterioration of his handwriting). This all happened before I was born, so I don’t know all of the details, but apparently what finally tipped off this doctor was that my father couldn’t draw a spiral. Papa never had the typical “pill-rolling” tremor that usually comes with PD; even 30+ years later, he still doesn’t.

But I know how scary the possibility of such a diagnosis can be, and I can only guess at the frustration of not knowing. Between my father’s PD, my grandmothers Alzheimer’s, and my uncle’s MS, I live with huge anxiety around such disorders.

Anyway, this is all to say that I feel for you, and on the off chance you want more details about my father’s experience, feel free to PM me.

97

You’re one of the few folks I “recognize” these days, monstro. Please hang in there, and don’t give up.

98

There’s no “seem to,” sweetie. We honestly do care about you. Yeah, we’re all faceless, anonymous, even maybe made up internet friends :), but we really care and we’re really here for you. Anyone would be miserable in your place, so you’ve a right to - you came by it honestly.

I’m glad you’re feeling better. And don’t sweat getting down; we all do from time to time. We’ll be just as glad to listen next time too.

99

You now have my full attention!

:smiley:

Seriously though, the fact that you can even jokingly reference yourself like this tells me you are at least feeling a little better. Here’s to hoping for more improvement in your mood!

100

You know, something was driven home for me last night. After I posted in this thread, I got a message from a friend IRL. She’s feeling down in the dumps because a long-term boyfriend just broke up with her, and she was feeling pessimistic about the future. I pointed out that there was no way she could possibly end up bitter and alone because of this, since after all, she’s awesomely fun, incredibly smart and drop-dead gorgeous (all of which is perfectly true).

She thanked me for the ego boost, and I was actually momentarily surprised that she needed one. Did she actually think because this idiot dumped her that she wasn’t amazing?

As I mentioned, I’ve struggled with depression most of my life (since very early childhood, in fact). I often look with with dismay at people, especially older people like my step-grandfather, who seem totally oblivious to their flaws and faults. I wonder, if they suddenly saw themselves the way the rest of us (even the people who love them) see them, how would they react? Would they be more depressed than I am?

I often wonder how other people see me, and feel less capable than most at perceiving what others think of me. (I know that’s a common feeling, but I still think it’s more true of me than everyone else!) When I think about people like my step-grandfather or a very good older friend who I love dearly but who has some seriously messed up thinking sometimes, I then wonder if for all my self-criticism, I might have equally huge faults I haven’t even recognized! What if I’m a giant asshole or idiot and don’t even know it? What if my life is worse than I realize?

I’m sure everyone reading this sees the blindingly obvious cognitive error here. (OMG, it’s a huge and obvious flaw in my thinking everyone else can see! I was right! ;)) We err in both directions. We are just as likely to have enormous strengths that only we don’t notice. For everyone suffering from the Dunning-Kruger effect from the left side of the bell curve, there is likely someone suffering the complimentary problem from the right side of the curve. And in fact, most of us probably suffer both forms of the effect in various areas. The elderly friend I mentioned may have little sense of how irrational her anxieties are, but she probably also doesn’t see why I love her so much!

Like I said, blindingly obvious, but I never fully realized how little I might appreciate my own virtues until I encountered two such blatantly awesome people (monstro and my IRL friend) worried about themselves.