[[So I’m to gather that simply noticing that someone is of a different race than we happen to be is a form a discrimination? I don’t buy that]]
Nor do I. If there are 11 white kids on the soccer field and one black kid, it seems kind of awkward to point him out as the one with “dark hair” or by his height. Almost too conscious about race?
I apologize in advance for distracting the conversation away from purely racial issues – But I remember back in the bad old days (when I was married) how totally self-conscious I felt when I was seen in any public situation with a woman who was not my wife. It mattered not at all the race of the woman, or whether the context was business, or friendship, or family, or (as in the situation of the OP) a matter of charitable convenience.
The point was simply that I had a dread of some not-so-innocent observer jumping to conclusions and spreading rumors that could hurt me personally and professionally. Ye’ve all seen the headlines about some famous so-and-so being ‘seen’ with someone who was not his/her spouse, and have witnessed the evil that rumor-mongers can inflict. One simply does not need that kind of nonsense, and it is just sensible to be acutely self-aware when thrust into the situation, and it is a challenge to the most confident among us to shrug off the possibility.
Reality would suggest that even though the rumors are laughably false, so are the spreaders of them not so laughably willing to believe.
So I guess my observation is that you need investigate the roots of yer discomfort a bit more thoroughly – would you be equally uncomfortable being seen in public having lunch with a white man who was not yer husband? If so, you are not a racist, but rather a woman of good sense.
Dr. Watson
“The blindness in human beings . . . is the blindness with which we all are afflicted in regard to the feelings of creatures and people different from ourselves.” – William James
Athena, JillGat: I agree with you totally. If you hadn’t responded to Melin’s, and Saxface’s posts, I would have.
I was with a bunch of friends one day, and one of them was black. His name is Joe. I was describing someone else to them, but never used the word “black,” thinking that Joe would be offended. After a while, Joe just said, “So, he’s black, right?” I said yes, and he just rolled his eyes, as if to say, “You could have said it you know.”
And he’s right. I could have said it, and it would have been no big deal. I hate it that I sometimes feel the need to hide the fact that we humans are different, because we ARE different. We should learn to appreciate it, and not hide it.
Adam
p.s. Melanie: I did not know you were Christian. I will pray for you. 
“Life is hard…but God is good”
what i want to teach my children is that there are blonde people, there are tall people, there are black people, there are people with green eyes, etc…and noticing a person has dark skin is no big deal. like noticing someone is tall. i’m not beating myself up for “noticing” he’s black, that would be silly. i’m upset because my reaction more negative than merely noticing. and i was hoping i was a better person than that.
and to answer Crick&Watson’s question.
Yes, I am uncomfortable being seen with other men. mostly for the reason you mentioned earlier but also one of my own…Unlike some proffesional athletes, i think all human beings are role models for each other. whether good or bad, it’s still true. and i don’t want my actions to lead someone to make a personal decision that might be harmful. i would hate for someone to think “well, if melanie says she is a Christian, and she can go to the movies with that guy…then it must be ok for me too” then have that person’s experiment lead to disaster.
but this emotion wasn’t anything even remotely noble like;
“i hope they don’t think i’m cheating on my husband”
it was more like;
“i hope they don’t think he’s my husband”
i usually never notice people observing me in public. to illustrate, yesterday i was stuck entertaining the wrestling team at a restaurant while we waited to be served. so i taught all the boys how to make paper airplanes out of their placemats. and i carry a couple of props for magic tricks in my purse just for that purpose(does this sound like the actions of someone who cares how she is perceived in public)
but, i actually cared if strangers thought i was with a black guy. it is so out of character for me. and that’s why it bothered me.
essentially, i’m bothered because i’m bothered by sometheing that shouldn’t bother me.
i hope to keep growing as a person. when i find a personality flaw(and believe me there are many), i want it fixed.
this particular flaw was a surprise to me though.
i do however believe that none of my reactions were visible. i’m sure i acted politely and respectfully. and while a camara might have believed i was behaving perfectly normal, i would have failed a lie detector test.
I’m pink therefore I’m Spam
I think you just need to grow some thicker skin.
There’s always another beer.