My life is over. Over the goddamn hill. I spent almost an hour on the phone with microsoft trying to activate a copy of windows XP only to discover while on hold that if I used reading glasses the “B” in the product key magically turned into an “8.” Crap on a stick! I apologized to the tech I had given so much grief to and asked him to extend that to the other 500 million folks in the India call center.
The type is pretty damn small and the 8 was just assymetrical enough from the way the dots lined up that it really did look like a B with no glasses. I have apparently passed the transitional phase where I needed reading glasses but even weak 1.5s were too strong, now they’re just right. I may as well get yellow pants, hitch them up to my armpits and sit on the front stoop, yelling at kids to get off my lawn.
I’ve had perfect (and I do mean, perfect) vision all my life. The only person in my entire family to be so blessed. I have always enjoyed being able to read signs a mile away, and miniscule print. Up close print was also never a problem. Glasses? HAH! Nevah!!
Until about eight months ago, that is. Did you know that your arm can only go so far away from your eyes when trying to read a book? I found it out not long ago. The print would blur, and I would blame it on the light, a lash in my eye, having a headache, the moon not being aligned with Saturn…anything. It certainly couldn’t be my eyesight.
But yeah, it could. I finally broke down and got some reading glasses (weakest strength is all I need…for the moment (sob!) and hey…! I can read again! From a distance and up close and everything!
There is no joy, though…age has crept up on me and stolen the only damn thing I had nobody else I knew had…my eagle-eye vision. I await my hearing to muffle and then my knees to lock up and then “comfortable shoes” and then I guess I will finally transform into my mother.
And end up wearing Depends.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Now think about it, do eagles ever need to read up close? As for distance vision you can have high visual acutity but still need glasses. I have sharp vision as long as I can focus and I have been nearsighted my whole adult life. Once I am corrected I always manage to test much better than “normal” 20/20.
But did you hear about the guy that compained that he hadn’t even seen his since *Charlies’s Angel’s * was on?."
Oh, but at 65 you can get Medicare A and maybe B. And a free flu shot, maybe. Got mine today-only 30 other folks in line. 900 fewer than the first two times I went. How do you stand the heat out there? I know, it’s a dry heat.
I’ve always been the “one without the glasses” in my family, too. Slowly, in the last few years, I’d noticed a slight downward trend, with my arms getting a bit shorter and the lights getting a bit dimmer when trying to read, but I could still get the job done. Then in the last year or so, there seems to have been an optical avalanche. Last summer, I went camping and I could not read the registration card. Absolutely could not read where I should put what information. Had to have my camping partner read it for me. He is younger than me and had no problem pointing that out with each point to the appropriate blank space. I offered him some of my hair…
You people are depressing me. Only four years into my thirties and I’m now enjoying the beginnings of arthritis in my hands, tendonitis in my forearms and mild carpal tunnel in my wrists. Within the past couple years, I’ve developed never-before-afflicted-with eczema on my face and scalp and dry, dry hair. I can’t sleep anymore. Every now and again I get to enjoy a painful back spasm that means standing up hurts, laying down hurts, breathing hurts, and sobbing gently, but pitifully is the only option. I do sound like Mel Brooks when I hack up my daily lung cookies. My cuticles hurt, too and my foot skin is like naugahide. I’m growing hair in strange places. I found a new grey hair the other day where it’s not supposed to be. My knees pop often when I stand up which is a bit slower now. I feel dumber than I did 10 years ago because I can’t remember stupid words like “this.” All my body fat is sinking to my lower portions. I can’t hear what you said over the din of the background chatter.
So, stick it in a sock, ya old geezers! Miserable physical afflictions are not just wasted on the old. We youngins get our fair share too, and you’re not making us feel any better, 'kay?
Is anyone ever aware of being at the top of the hill or do you just wake up one day and realize you went over it sometime during the night? At what age are you supposed to go over it? How’d I end up with such a flat friggin’ hill?
Oooh, a discount coupon for Denny’s?! Let’s all go, then we can hold the menus for each other.
I have always been nearsighted but I could still read up close with my glasses on but in the past year or so I was suddenly unable to do this and then when I took my glasses off to read I had to hold the item at arm’s length to read it! It happened so suddenly I thought there was something else wrong with me. Old age doesn’t creep up on you, it leaps out at you when you least expect it like some … er … thing that leaps out at you when you least expect it.
