I spent today taking down my Yunnan batiks, Xi’an folk paintings and treasured Nigerian posters. After four years as a Peace Corps volunteer- two in Cameroon and two in China- I’m going back to the Land of Plenty. I leave here in two weeks. I’ll spend a week in Mongolia, a month in California with the family, and then off to DC to pursue a master’s in International Development.
Leaving China has been harder than I thought it would be. I don’t think I ever realized how much of an impact I’ve had here until these last few weeks. Saying goodbye to my students has been a lot of tears and hugs. I’ve taught them for two years, and I feel like we’ve all grown up together. Student after student has told me how I’ve inspired them. After two years of wondering what I’ve been doing here, I finally feel like I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. It’s like all of the rewards just all hit at once. It’s a blow to the gut to realize that during those endless gray days and hazy nights of trudging to and fro just doing the best I can to get by, I’ve actually been having a huge effect. All the effort I thought I was just throwing into nowhere hasn’t been wasted. There are so many of us who won’t forget each other. This whole time I’ve been laying down things that go deeper than I could have guessed.
I never got a proper goodbye in Cameroon. I was badly hurt during my last few weeks, so my farewells were rushed moments between doctor’s visits. The physical pain pushed aside the emotional pain, and the emotional toll of leaving was nothing next to the uncertainty my body faced. I’ve still got this big Africa shaped hole in my heart and have spent the last couple years scheming on how to get back. But these things I’m feeling now in China are new.
As a final goodbye, I treated all of my students to hot pot. It was probably the most meaningful meal of my life. They bought me a jade laughing Buddha necklace, the sort of thing that is ubiquitous in China. They presented it with honest wishes for a happy life. For some reason, this has touched me beyond words.
For two years I’ve never felt like I belonged or was even wanted. I’ve never felt even a shred of acceptance. For two years every time I stepped outside I’ve been pointed at and laughed at. For two years the only one who ever called me the deeply respectful term “teacher” rather than the casual "outsider teacher’ has been the old woman who sweeps my apartment’s hallways. I’ve spent so many nights questioning why I am here. But somehow this little necklace seems like a key, a password. Like I’ve finally been accepted as a part of people’s lives, not just as a curiosity but as a friend. Suddenly I feel like I can walk these streets that I now know so well with my head up, without feeling like an unwanted intruder. This is my city, too, and I’ve had my story here just as much as anyone else. This gray little city has seem my laugher and my tears, and neither one of us will be quite the same.
As skilled as I am at leaving, I’ve never been good at transition. I know ahead of me there lies unbelievable wonders- cheese, burritos, anonymity, bookstores and sunshine- all things I have been deprived of for years. But it won’t hit me until I get into that airport. For now, all I see is my blank walls, the people I’ll never see again, and the endless gray drizzle of the Sichuan summer sky. It’s a melancholy feeling, even though I’ve looked forward to this so long.
So goodbye, Liquor city. Goodbye drunken businessmen and friendly shoe-shine ladies. Goodbye riverside teahouse. Goodbye concrete apartment, and goodbye babies in baskets. Goodbye dumplings and hot pot, goodbye tongue-twisting language. Goodbye night market and goodbye smiling students. Goodbye night trains and goodbye taxis. Goodbye all these strange friendships I’ve fallen into, my motley little crew of misfits who love and hate each other with the passion only found in those with no other choice but to be near each other. I’ll miss you in ways I’ll never be able to explain. Hello America, hello new adventures. I’m coming back a lot older and wiser. May America’s blue skies welcome me!
Just the same, awesome post and awesome life you’ve chosen!