Damn. To think of all the Athiestic-Nun-Engineer magazines I’ve bought, waiting for Angel of the Lord to come along, and another lucky guy beat me to her! 
Congratulations!
::blinkety blinks:: Wasn’t expecting this thread to come up from the dead…dang…
I still haven’t told the male parental unit. I’ve moved up my graduation date, though–totally unrelated to SO, a result of the familial financial situation–which may-or-may-not bring about the need to come clean fairly soon. I mean, I’m graduating at the end of 2003 now (2 1/2 years for a BA, go me!), and then probably getting my teaching certification (secondary ed) while staying in the area of both my parents and my SO (it’s cheaper than getting my certification at my out-of-state, private school).
My dad, incidentally, still hasn’t noticed the ring–he’s barely been home, he’s out job-hunting so much. I was planning on using Wikkit’s suggestion of just letting him notice, but it appears that he’s either too oblivious for it to work, or that he’s noticed, figured it out, and is going to make me sweat it out and actually tell him.
I’m thinking that maybe I should take out a 30 second commercial/announcement on TechTV. Then he might realize it without my actually having to be in the immediate vicinity when I do…
So no concrete wedding plans as-yet. Though the SO does have a fondness for Hawaiian shirts. . .
Congratulations! DanielWithrow and I got engaged this fall, and I know how intimidating the parental conversation can be. We’ve been staing for three years and living together for six months, so it wasn’t exactly a big surprise to anyone, but for some reason we were both nervous about telling our families.
If your mom knows, maybe she can help smooth the way with your dad. I told my mom while the two of us were on a trip together, and she’s the one who actually told my father when she got back in town. (I live several hours away from my folks, and I didn’t want to tell them over the phone.) Good luck!
Congratulations.
You might want to make sure you have a wedding date when your father notices the ring. If you don’t he might not take the engagement seriously.
An engagement without a date is just wishful thinking in my opinion.
A date makes it a plan.
Good luck
Woo, I helped, sort of!
2.5 years for a B.A. is very impressive. I’m sure it’ll all work out.
The next time you see your dad, tell him. Keeping it a secret from him makes him an outsider, no matter what he thinks. He knows damn well that you are old enough not to need his permission, but he just might feel good knowing that you wanted to include him in your life. If he is gaining a son, and not loosing a daughter, then he ought not start out loosing a daughter even before he finds out about it.
If you are not going to see him soon, call him. Bring what’s his name home soon, if that’s a possibility, and have him and dad get to know each other. Why assume there is going to be antagonism, without giving your dad the benefit of the (lack of) doubt?
Tris
For $100,000,000 I’ll tell him myself. And I’ll also tell him if he doesn’t like it he can kiss my skinny white ass. Then I’ll prance around him poking various household objects into his ears. All the while singing “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” by Culture Club.
You wouldn’t believe what I’d do for $100,000,000.
Oh, Dante, you made me laugh so hard I scared the cat. But I must curse you for now getting that damn song stuck in my head, as sung by Alexis Arquette in The Wedding Singer.
Angel, I got married at 20, only three months after my 20th birthday, so I know what it’s like to be married young. My parents kept trying to make me wait until I graduated, until the semester was out, until anything except getting married over spring break. Of course, we got married over spring break (sophomore year). I’ve always been exceptionally stubborn.
You do need to tell your father. You strike me as an intelligent and mature person, so unless you don’t wish to include your father in your life, you need to understand that one part of being mature is owning up to difficult decisions in your life. You aren’t doing anything wrong, and you don’t need anyone’s permission, except your boyfriend’s. It would be just wrong to marry him without his say-so.
Tell your dad. It doesn’t need fanfare or nervousness, it does need confidence, happiness, and love. Show him how happy your about this. Show him how sure you are this is right. Never show him that you are worried about his reaction in the slightest. It’s the right thing for you to do, how could he ever have a problem with it?
AotL, you really need to tell him. It is far more likely to be damaging to your relationship that you are hiding this major decision from him.
Just summon up your courage and tell him. You’ll be glad that you did.
Careful here. If your father is older or ‘old-school’ thinking, his thoughts could be that the husband takes over all expenses. It might not be ‘retaliation’ (though you would perceive it that way) but just he thinks ‘the way things should be’.
Heck, not even old-school…if I had a daughter, I might think like that! It would be strange to be paying expenses of a daughter that was married.
But…she’s not getting married until after she’s done with school, so he wouldn’t be paying the expenses of a married daughter. Besides, cutting off financial support because of an engagement would probably drive a couple to marry sooner rather than later (Once you’re married, your parents’ income no longer counts on the financial aid forms, for one thing.)
Are your parents married, AotL? I know that, in my family, if I told my mother something, my father would know, and vice-versa…especially if it’s something that important. Why is your mother keeping it a secret from your father?
I think that your dad would be hurt if he finds out about something this important second-hand…the more people who know, the more people are likely to blab. Also, keeping this from your dad isn’t exactly scoring you points on the “I’m a mature and independent adult” front.
Update (in case anyone was anxious on my behalf ):
I told my dad last night. I did it nicely, and politely. The SO wasn’t there, but I wanted to tell my dad myself. So I did.
He said that my SO should’ve asked my mom and his permission. Now, personally, I totally disagree with this line of thinking, and so does the SO. I mean, he’s marrying me, not my dad. I think it’s so freakin’ archaic, and that it implies that I’m some sort of possession of my father’s. I mean, what are they going to do, negotiate with factories and/or acres of land until both parties are satiated? :rolleyes: He even claimed to have done this when he proposed to my mother. I didn’t point out that it wasn’t true, seeing as my parents eloped and her father–a staunch Catholic who didn’t approve of my mother marrying a divorced man–wasn’t at the freakin’ wedding, mostly because my dad has a tendency to yell when people disagree with him.
But whatever. My dad never informed me of this expectation, and he refuses to acknowledge the fact that I’m engaged until the SO asks. It doesn’t matter, because the SO said he’ll do it. He think’s it’s stupid, but he’ll do it.
Then, however, my dad started lecturing me. Yes, lecturing. He told me that I shouldn’t even be thinking about marriage, that I should get a secondary degree first, and that I shouldn’t marry my SO until he gets a degree, too. We’re not talking a parent-child dialogue, here. There is no dialogue when you talk to my father. He lectures, and you’re just supposed to smile and nod. If you do–politely, and noncommittally, and phrased so there’s no way he can construe it as a possible attack–say anything that doesn’t completely agree with what he says, he strikes it down, and gets defensive. He told me that I should be looking for faults in my SO. Then he pointed out a few. Then he got pissy when I disputed these so-called faults.
Then my dad claimed that I was probably looking for a guy who shared some of his attributes. Apparently, he paid attention in PSY-101 or something. I, out of sheer will to survive, did not mention that I, in fact, was looking for a man who was near as complete opposite to my father as possible.
He then proceeded to lecture me on my choices of secondary degree. I’d like to get my teaching certification, or, preferably, an MLS. He thinks that these jobs will get me nowhere (well, granted, they’re not the highest paying, but they’re jobs I’d enjoy doing for the rest of my life). He thinks I should get an MBA, or that I should become a lawyer. He, essentially, told me to do that.
At that point, the conversation sort of died out. He did, however, tell me to be in bed by ten, as he wanted to sleep downstairs, and didn’t want any noise to disturb him.
So, in all honesty, it went better than it could, in that I am not slowly decomposing six feet under the snow that’s now falling in my backyard. But it could’ve been a lot better.
Eloping’s sounding pretty damned good right now. So’re homicidal fantasies.
Anyway, I figured I’d update. I’ll stop bothering y’all now.
(BTW, Tamex, my parents are married. However, since my dad tends to be a dick about really stupid things, we keep him in the dark a lot.).
I would never dream of lecturing my adult children on their choices in life.
That was my job when they were growing up. I nagged, nagged and nagged some more when they were children. I figured I got my shot in; and hoped for the best.
They haven’t dissapointed me. And you won’t dissapoint your father. Continue with your wedding plans with your SO, and Dad will accept him.
Eventually.
My Dad had a very similar reaction when I told him I was engaged (sorry I missed this thread on the first time around).
He, too, was very upset that Mr Goo didn’t ‘ask’ him for permission first. We had a knock-down, drag-down fight about it (I wasn’t living at home, or taking any money from them at the time, making a lot of things easier) where I told him that I’m sorry he felt that way, and we didn’t mean to offend, but that we felt the opposite, that it was rude to ask him.
“How would that be rude?” he responded,
“Well, since we were getting married no matter what you said, we figured it was a bit patronising and condescending to ask when we truly didn’t care what the answer was.” He exploded :D, but a year later when it came up in discussion, he admitted he didn’t really expect us to obey if he had’ve said no, simply because he wouldn’t have.
Don’t bring up the subject again, and he may come around. If he doesn’t, well, you still have to lead your life the way you feel is best. Just avoid certain issues for now. When you are fully independent, you may find he is more accepting of you having different viewpoints. And if not, it will be his loss then.
Good luck
Your dad is a Neanderthal. My ex-fiance’s parents were the same way, except that somehow they had kept him enough under control that when they said, after knowing me for a whole day and a half, “We won’t be at the wedding, and you don’t have our blessing,” he DUMPED ME. We – my family – had had NO CLUE about how screwed up and weird these people were. My ex was and remains a really sweet guy, but he’s waaaay more screwed up than I realized.
I hate to drag this thread down, but it does seem relevant. And I’m REALLY hurting. We’re talking ripping my heart out and stomping it into little pieces on the floor right in front of me hurt. Don’t let your dad screw this up. DON’T.
ready to throttle any opposing parent in sight