I'm fine/I'm fucked: personal, selfish pandemic experiences you are having now

The Quarantine Zone
1

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not so self-absorbed - and I assume you, dear reader, aren’t either - that I think everything is a-okay as long as my life continues without undue disruption. Every person who is sick, mourning the loss of a loved one, terrified about finances due to job loss - I feel empathy and sorrow for them, and I will advocate for, live by, and vote for the policies that can improve their circumstances.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get personal. What happened to you recently that made you feel like your life will be a-okay somehow, and/or what happened to you that made you say “well, yeah, I might be personally fucked, this pandemic is coming extremely close to home”?

My personal “a-okay” moment, earlier today:

I ordered Tastycakes through Amazon, and they arrived within days! That is significant, because here on the Big Island of Hawai’i, we rely a lot on outside shipments, and since Covid 19 we’ve seen shortages and slow-downs. Mail orders that used to arrive within days now take weeks, and more and more I’m encountering “we don’t ship to Hawaii” notices. So it was awesome to still be able to order a silly, soothing treat, and have it arrive promptly.

My personal “shit, I’m probably fucked too” moment:

My son was visiting his girlfriend in California when the lockdowns started, and ended up living with the family for over 2 months because neither he nor his girlfriend could go back to school. He’s now in Hawaii and has faithfully completed the quarantine period. But I learned today that shortly after he left California, his girlfriend’s 12-year-old brother, who he was living with, got Covid and ended up in the hospital. (He’s recovered now, thank goodness.)

2

My possibly f-ed moment…

I am still working through the process of sponsoring the immigration of Mrs Iggy and her two kids. I started a new job on March 1 that finally met the income requirements to financially sponsor them and all seemed on course. Then COVID hit.

The issue is the age of Iggyette. She is now 20 and will turn 21 next February. If the visas get approved in time to get her here before she turns 21 then all is good. Normal processing time is 5-6 months, so cutting in closer than we would have liked.

But if Iggyette turns 21 before the visa comes through then she doesn’t get the visa as a dependent. We would have to refile for her and it could take years. And visa processing, even of family visas, has slowed down. A lot.

I wrote to my Congressional Representative and Senators to ask for assistance to ensure the visas get processed in time - or that the regulation be altered given the circumstances and that she not age out so long as the visa application was made before her b-day. I got sympathetic replies, but little actual progress.

My things might be ok…

The new employer has been amazing carrying us through. going above-and-beyond anything I could have expected given the circumstances. I am working on a new account with just one huge customer to tend to. And that customer totally shut down for several weeks.

We could have been furloughed, and I would have understood. Instead the new employer had those of us just hired on for the new account help with some other accounts in the short term. And the salary checks kept coming while and the new health care benefits started right on time.

The customer for our account has resumed operations and we are back at it. I think financially we will be alright.

3

I’m fine. A week and a half ago, through no fault of their own, both my Sister (who lives in a San Diego Assisted Living Complex), and a close friend of nearly fifty years (Los Angeles white-collar guy), were exposed (badly so) to COVID positive people. Sister and Friend both have medical issues that would make them very high-risk COVID patients.
After several agonizing days their test results came back yesterday: Negative! Closest this plague has gotten to me so far.

4

I think my Grandwrex are what’s keeping me positive and thinking things will be okay.

Mr.Wrekker, altho’ retired often gets offers to help with big plant start-ups. He’s recently recieved an offer to work about 3 months for the opening of a Plexi-glass plant. I think he will do it. He don’t come cheap, so the moola will be nice. Since having everyone here burning through money like it grows on trees doesn’t seem to be ending.
That gives me hope for the future.

My ‘oh my effin’ God’ thing: Everything or person that hasn’t been here scares the bejeebus outta me. I’m a sanitizing crazy women. No outside people have stepped inside my house. We are being super careful.
Every sniffle is suspect. It seems my whole family have allergies, to something around here, :smack:

(Probably Siamese cats)

5

As I’ve mentioned before, except for the low key paranoia of COVID (entirely reasonable), I’m actually doing fantastic. I’m working from home (and will at least through summer) with a company that’s still actually been onboarding new employees since March, and in fact just got my annual raise.

Further, I’m in good health, not TOO old, no relevant chronic conditions that I know of, and have local family and friends who could support me logistically if I get sick, so I’ve got most factors in my favor to be one of the majority of recoverers if I do catch it.

Basically, I’ve got almost everything going for me in this situation, which makes me feel vaguely guilty at times. But the very cold knowledge of my privilege (the most I’ve ever had, frankly, relative to the general population) is quite stark.

I didn’t think sniffles were a symptom of COVID?

6

We are just paranoid about it.
My Grandwrex will probably be the ones who incubate the virus to include sniffles. They are fondly known as ‘biological weapons’ , you know.

7

Despite working longer than normal hours since March I’ve been healthy. While I’ve been diligent with hygiene I know there’s a dose of luck in there, too, as some of my co-workers have caught it. So, yay me so far.

I know people who have been sick, and who have had seriously ill family members, and even lost people to this. I have a sort of low-grade anxiety much of the time from it.

EVERYTHING seems to take longer and be more frustrating. This is compounded by a lot of businesses and agencies assuming I’m at home all day like so many others - I’ve had people on the phone express shock that yes, I very much am still working and no, I can’t sit on hold for an hour or have you call me back whenever and expect that I can actually answer the phone.

Traveling right now doesn’t seem a good idea. While I’ve been feeling a bit of a homebody for the past couple years I had planned some trips to visit my sister and some friends. As we’re all either medical people or “essential workers” of one sort or another that’s on hold indefinitely.

So mostly I’m fine and I very much do appreciate that I’m better off than many these days.

8

A good friend of mine was born with a heart defect, but with perfect timing. A surgeon had just developed a technique to surgically repair his problem, so he had neonatal open heart surgery and survived. Had he been born a year earlier he would have died.

Fast forward 35 years, he’s led a normal life but had to have follow up surgery (open heart) two years ago. Recovery was difficult, but he made it.

In February he and his wife had a son, who has grown up so far in a strange, new world. None of his friends or family have seen their baby, except in pictures. They’ve done everything right and have chronicled everything on Facebook, urging others to be cautious.

My friend’s wife works worked in health care. Although cautious, she now is sick and is quarantined in a part of their home. Father and son are interacting with mom over video chat. My first friends directly affected by COVID 19 and I wish it were someone anyone else.

9

I was already working from home 3 days a week, and now it’s all week. Our CEO said we were actually more productive staying at home, so we’re in no hurry to return to the offices once the lockdowns are lifted. I’ve procured the services of my contractor friends in replacing my copper plumbing with Plex, redoing my kitchen, and getting my carport looking nice and spiffy.

The bad part is I’ve lost a couple of friends. Not to illness, but because we couldn’t stand each other any more. As I’ve grown older, my temper has become harder to control, and those friends were the ones who loved to provoke me into blowing my top for laughs in the past. Now, it’s no longer fun for me, and I actually feel better not having to deal with them any longer.

10

I’m absolutely fine.

Minimal incidence of COVID in our county - especially if you aren’t in assisted living.

My kid who lives 10 min from us had her 2d daughter end of April, and they’ve been fine w/ spending time w/ us. We’ll be heading over there for lunch today.

Just about the only thing I miss is playing music w/ some groups and in some places. But my wife and I have been playing more than ever, the 2 people I play with as a group have been meeting just about weekly, and we’ve started discussing another regular group. (All outside, distanced, <10 people…)

Both my wife’s job and mine have continued - at least the paychecks have. Both jobs (judge and college teacher) are highly bullshit being done entirely from home, but the paychecks keep coming…

This weekend we’re traveling up to a remote family cabin on 350 acres. Hopefully won’t see anyone the entire time we’re there.

We got a new puppy in March, and have been enjoying the time we’ve spent training him. Eager to see him enjoy the woods and lake!

Given the lack of group music, I’ve been golfing more than in recent years. Have enjoyed reconnecting with some people I have’t golfed with for some time.

So yeah - life is great. Not having to do without much of anything I miss. The days kinda run into each other, but at 59, I’m looking at it as prep class for retirement.

11

My full-time job can be done at home so I have been rolling out of bed to work in my underwear instead of driving not quite two hours RT and paying a toll for a bridge on the way home.

My wife has always worked from home and continues to do so, only they send gifts every couple of weeks (a huge turkey, a basket or oranges, Hickory Farms sausage package, cookies) and one rather huge bonus along with a handful of smaller ones (to be fair, her job is made more stressful due to the pandemic).

I am unable to work my PT job which is adding up despite saving on commuting and the fact that almost all of my leisure activities have dried up. But the stimulus is still sitting in my bank account and we’re spending way more on groceries, but that means less on dining out.

I am crazy that everything I do to enjoy my life is on hold and has been for some time. In the average week I would dine out a couple of times, see a band (mostly smaller places but the occasional big show), maybe grab drinks in a bar. A little less frequently I would play poker. A little less frequently than that catch a movie. And way less frequently than that some domestic travel for fun. Oh, and watch baseball, basketball, and eventually football on TV and go to a game or two a year.

Having an empty dance card sucks and it is getting more and more shitty every passing week. And I do have a legitimate reason to be upset as my quality of life has gone into the shitter. I work and sleep and eat and leave the house once a week to shop. With the gym closed and no desire to stick to a diet while dealing with all of this, I have gained a ton of weight.

But I don’t ever, ever bitch about it on social media because I have a ton of friends and even family who are out a ton of income, some may never get their jobs back, and they wonder how they will survive. All of that makes it quite difficult to complain that I can’t watch the Yankees or see Rammstein or go bowling.

I am very privileged. I have been donating to a local food bank, but I still feel some guilt about how fortunate I am, so I may lose my mind but I sure as hell won’t be telling anyone about it (except here with semi-anonymity, and thanks for letting me vent.)

12

Thanks for telling us your story and situation, John Stamos. It’s not too different from mine — as you noted, we’re privileged in many ways — but your life is more face-to-face socially isolated. You relate well the sense of not quite “loneliness,” but something close to it.

“My loneliness…I have always belonged to you.” — Café Tacuba

13

My “I’m f’ed” moment came when my oncologist called and lectured me about my risks. He said even when though the county got to phase 2 , I need to stay in Phase 1. I still get out for walks and go to the grocery store and pharmacy (with mask, social distancing), but that’s it. I find myself getting really ticked at the mask-less and covidiots in general.

With my vision issues, I had to give up working AND driving two years ago. That still sucks. But whereas before, I’d take Uber to a doctor’s appointment, I now have to take the disability bus, WHEN it’s available. Friends could pick me up to go hiking. My grown kids could come visit. I could walk to my Zumba class. That’s all gone. So my uncomfortably small world got smaller.

But I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and good friends and relatives who call. I’m grateful for all that. I still feel like I’m in solitary for a crime I didn’t commit, but I know others have it worse.

14

I hope that mine is just a temporarily fucked situation. I’ve been having problems with my left knee for a couple years. I’ve gotten steroid injections twice that alleviated the pain. In December I was having severe pain again and the doctor told me that I need a partial knee replacement. He said it was up to me to decide how much pain I could live with. But amazingly the pain went away after a couple weeks. It did not come back until several weeks ago. I’ve been hoping it will subside again but it has only gotten worse.

There is no way I’m even considering having surgery. It would involve a couple days stay in the hospital and extensive rehab. Just not going to do that. It’s possible another injection might help for awhile but I’m not ready to even go to the doctor’s office at this point. They have sent information about their safety protocols but it still feels like too much risk. I’ve been having a lot of interactions while getting my mother’s house ready to be sold. That’s as much risk as I’m willing to take right now. I keep telling myself that when that’s done, I’ll rethink this. Meanwhile, I’m in a lot of pain but it’s like the doctor said, it’s a matter of how much I can live with. I can just hobble around for now, hopefully not making things too much worse.

I am fortunate that I’m retired and can stay at home off my knee as much as possible. It would really suck if I had to do a lot of walking.

15

My situation has barely changed since this all started except for wearing a mask when entering a store and some initial difficulty buying some of the stuff I needed. On the plus side, I am and have been since the beginning, working full time and frequently, overtime. I’m hourly so it’s time and a half. I am (by my standards) doing very well financially.

16

Good:

My husband retired this spring from his career as a school teacher. We are incredibly grateful that he does not have to deal with whatever clusterfuck is going to happen as far as K-12 schooling goes this coming school year.

I am still working and the current situation makes my job expertise more valuable.

Our house is paid for and we have no outstanding debt.

Bad:

I could still get laid off when more is known about our budget at work. I could take early retirement but over time that would be a big budget hit. We can live with whatever comes but it would require a change of plans. I may also opt to voluntarily retire early depending on what they decide to do regarding having us come back to work. The vast majority of my job can be done from home, and the small remainder is unlikely to be much in demand at this point, but boy they sure do like to have butts in chairs.

No traveling for now or in the currently foreseeable future. We opted not to get another dog when our last one died a few years ago in anticipation of traveling more, but no dice for now.

My husband cannot go visit his 88-year-old mother. I cannot go to visit my best friend who lives across the country and whose mom had a stroke last week. I so wish I could go help her, but there’s just no way to do that right now.

As a natural introvert, absolutely anything and everything else requiring human interaction can wait. But those things I’ve listed are time-related and that’s one thing you just can’t get back.

17

Wow, some of you are having pretty heavy experiences. Thank you all for sharing, it’s good to have insight into what other people are going through, both good and bad. (And being on a somewhat less populated Hawaiian island makes the pandemic a bit more remote. I appreciate knowing what life is like for others who aren’t in the same kind of unusual circumstances.)

18

I feel both fine and fucked. I flip between these feelings hourly.

I’m fine in that I’m not sick with COVID. My job is secure. I’ve been given cool projects to work on and I’ve been doing them well. Working from home has heightened my productivity in some ways. Whereas normally I’d take a half-day off every other week or so during the summer, I haven’t been doing that. It feels pointless to take time off for fun since there’s no fun to be had anywhere. (To wit, today is a holiday for me but I’m going to finish up some work I didn’t complete yesterday).

But I’m fucked, y’all. I’ve never been more fucked in my life. As some as you know, I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer. I have been told that if I get COVID, I will not be allowed in the clinic. While most of my appointments have been “telehealthed”, I still have to go in for imaging and labwork and whatnot. I have to go into the clinic next week to do some stuff. So even if I wanted to go out and have fun, I feel like I can’t. Yesterday I wore two face masks at the grocery store. It was hot and uncomfortable, but I can’t let go of the mantra “I CANNOT GET COVID!!” And I’m so sad. I thought I’d be able to have surgery soon, but there’s a backlog the surgeon’s got to get through. A backlog caused by the lockdown. I’m now in a morally questionable position of hoping one of the patients that are scheduled for July get COVID, which apparently has been happening. That’s the only way I can get my mastectomy before August. I’m scared another lockdown will push it back even farther.

As if that wasn’t enough, most of my immediate family is sick with COVID, plus a cousin and an aunt. And there’s nothing I can do for them because I’m not brave enough to enter the hot zone that is the state of Georgia. My mother is in the hospital and is on oxygen. She is not critical right now, but we all know how quickly that can change. I can’t stop thinking about how horrible it will be if she dies. I won’t be able to go down there to help the family pick up the pieces.

I wish I had someone to hug on besides my cat. He’s a cuddly and affectionate cat, but he doesn’t know what I’m going through. He can’t tell me it’s going to be alright.

19

I know two couples where he and she are both hairstylists. One couple opened a “spa” type place about a year ago. They were ready to reopen when the state allowed, but then got cold feet and held off. Now the wife is having mental issues with the idea of ever reopening.

The other couple has a very well established business. They reopened and were doing fine with their safety protocols. Everyone works masked, appointments are spaced out, etc. Then, one of their stylists had a close friend test positive, so she is self-quarantining for two weeks. When she cancelled her appointments, she told people why.

Someone took this and ran with it on social media, starting rumors that the salon had a sick stylist working without a mask. It’s all bs, but it snowballed and their business is suffering.

20

My mom was a once-weekly home care worker for the wife of the first prominent Covid death in her metro area - a well-respected former executive who was 90-something. So a few months ago she had to self-quarantine for at least two weeks. Thankfully she didn’t come down with anything herself even though she is getting up in age herself.

My personal complaint is that, living in Florida, not only will I probably not be able to travel abroad for at least another year, I might not even be able to travel out of state for the next few months either. I had planned on a vacation out west and a trip to Disney with my relatives but both of those are put on hold indefinitely. My dad wants me to come up for a family gathering in October but I have doubts that New York State will relax its quarantine against Floridians by then.

I am, however, managing to self-quarantine almost as much as I was during the first few weeks of the lockdown. I live alone, and the only things I do besides walk/run outside are biweekly food shopping trips and once-weekly takeout runs. My brother got me a food delivery gift certificate for my birthday, so I might try that eventually, probably for Taco Bell as their line usually is in danger of stretching out into the road, so I would selfishly impose that risk/annoyance on someone else.