I'm going to sexually molest your dog.

[Chez_Guevara]

@Harmonious Discord

I know it was an actress wanting to molest her ex-lovers dog. What says she still loves him more than “I want to molest your dog.”?

The dog in question belongs to the woman next door.

Using the above logic the actress was trying to tell the neighbour she loved her by expressing carnal desires for her pet. While I have always attached great importance to foreplay, I must say that I have never used this strategy for getting a woman into bed.

Not successfully anyway.

[TheLoadedDog]

@WhyNot

WTF? I just can’t imagine someone actually using the phrase “sexually molest” as a threat, even when angry, even on drugs. ESPECIALLY angry and/or on drugs. It just has too many syllables. “Fuck you, you fucking bitch, I’m going to fuck you and your fucking dog!” I could see, but “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.”??? Weird.

I dunno. I’ve met plenty of people who use flowery language when they’re drunk. In fact, I met one last night. I was coming home, and I saw a guy sitting in the gutter. Drunk, but not so drunk that he couldn’t still sit in the gutter rather than lie in it. I attract people like this, so we got talking. Turns out he’d had a fight with his lady, and she’d kicked him out of the car. He related the events to me, and slurringly said, "I told her straight up, “I excuse the way I"m ORCHESTRATING myself, but you are being HIGHLY UNREASONABLE, and if you want me to LEAVE THE VEHICLE, I SHALL!”, as opposed to “Well ex-fuckin-cuse me! You’re being a bitch, so stop the fuckin’ car!”

Then he recited some of his poetry. I liked him.
I used to work with another legendary drunk who would go home angry at some perceived slight from one of the managers, drink himself into a stupor, draft incredibly verbose letters of complaint, then ring me at 3am to see what I thought of them. He used long, flowery words, but when the English language wasn’t quite rich enough for his needs, he’d make some up. My favourite was “FORNIGRAPH”. It was a heading of some sort, and meant, from what I could tell, “PS”, “Addendum”, or “Conclusion”. It was:

*Blah blah blah blah

Sincerely,
Noel

FORNIGRAPH
Blah blah blah, etc*

Heh. Haven’t thought of that in years.

[bbs2k]

@TheLoadedDog

Then he recited some of his poetry. I liked him.

You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

[OneCentStamp]

@TheLoadedDog

My favourite was “FORNIGRAPH”. It was a heading of some sort, and meant, from what I could tell, “PS”, “Addendum”, or “Conclusion”. It was:

*Blah blah blah blah

Sincerely,
Noel

FORNIGRAPH
Blah blah blah, etc*

I thought a fornigraph was the device they used to play the soundtrack music in old-timey XXX movie theaters. Oh well, shows what I know.

[Ludovic]

That goat doesn’t love you!

[mrklutz]

@Chez Guevara

I’d do it myself but we don’t have a dog.

…and they all moved away from him on the Group W bench.

[Elenfair]

Gingy, count me among the dead. snort

[bbs2k]

I know it’s wrong, but I enjoy keeping this thread title on the front page. Everytime I see it I chuckle, it never fails… God I need help.