I'm hurt...what would you do? (long)

OK. My husband died in January after a very long illness. He was verbally abusive all of the time, and physical sometimes. He wouldn’t beat me up or anything, but scared me several times. He was hard on our son in my opinion, and never let him play ball or stuff like that. Rarely could he go to another kid’s house and play. He wouldn’t let him get his driver’s license when he was 16.

So when he died, my son and I were both sad and relieved. I have let him get his license (he’s 18), and bought him a car after his dad’s old truck crapped out on him. I have started drinking again, after my husband convinced me I was an alcoholic 14 years ago. Just a few beers here and there, and I go out and shoot pool sometimes at this neighborhood bar. I have gotten drunk a couple of times, but alcohol is not running my life.

I’m also dating the first love of my life. We dated for a while when I was 16, and again when I was 18. Then we sorta went our separate ways. I innocently looked him up on the internet one day, and he was right where he had always been, a little town right outside of Houston. I e-mailed him, and we talked by e-mail for several months. After my husband died, we decided to meet. He recently broke up with a woman he intended to marry, and we are taking it very slowly.

Ok, that’s the background. I bowl on a team, with my best friend of 8 years, her boyfriend of 8 months or so, a younger guy we picked up this year, and a woman I work with that bowled with us last year. We have all gotten close.

I spoke out of turn when I told my best friend (MBF) that "I have some sad news. <Friend I work with (FIWW)> has left her husband and gotten her own apartment. My reasons were not to spread malicious gossip, but to inform a mutual friend that our friend was hurting and that we needed to show her some loving care. I was wrong to not let FIWW tell MBF herself. But MBF already knew that she was looking for apartments, which I did not know. I have apologized to FWIW.

So, MBF’s boyfriend (MBFB) sends me (and cc’s to the whole team) an e-mail. “Once again!!! You cant wait to spread people’s misery around!” “You broke my confidence weeks ago and here you go again.” This was in reference to the fact that at one time I offered to loan MBF some money. MBF turned me down. MBFB came to me a while later and said don;t tell MBF, but could I borrow the money? Considering her ex-husband stole lots of money from her, I was immediately suspicious, and probably could have handled it better, but I told MBF. They got in a huge fight. He also said, “You are egotistical and cocky. If your husband was still alive, I would apologize to him. He was right. Your son is a liar and a thief, and you are a drunk.”

I was floored!!! Why bring up all this crap? I suppose he’s never heard of fair fighting—stick to the one subject. I sent him back a response basically saying fuck you—who the hell are you to be saying these things to me? And to send it to the whole team! I called him a prick for that.

So I e-mailed MBF, and she basically echoed what he had said. I think she is just siding with her man because he is her man, but she probably doesn’t see it that way. They think I’m not behaving appropriately—not behaving like a grieving widow. I am still grieving, but it helps to act strong and happy. It is very lonely at my house. I go out. I date.

So tonight is bowling night. Only 4 more weeks left. I have no idea what I will say, or even if I should go. He owes me an apology, if not for the content, at least for the way he told me.

So, what do you think?

I would not hang out with MBF or MBFB anymore. They sound like a**holes.

I agree - do you want to spend time with these people? They sound like they’re out for themselves and I don’t like the way they’re making judgements on how you should behave or live your life. I’d back out to be honest… let them explain why to the rest of the team (if they even need an explaination). Sounds like you need time away from these people.

After years of living in an abusive relationship, now is the time to take care of your and your son and having a good time once in a while is NOT a bad thing - don’t let these people tell you so.

Let them come to you and seek out your friendship - if they don’t, then you might be better off anyways.

People grieve in their own ways. They didn’t live with him. They don’t know what it was like. You have to do what’s best for you. I don’t think anyone who treats you like this is your friend.

Go bowling - you have just as much right to be there as they do. Ignore MBFB; he’s acting like a stupid, conniving jerk. You have no loyalty to him. And if she wants to be with a guy like that, stay away until he’s gone.

The first thing to realize is, people have no idea how to deal with people who are grieving. Death is this mysterious thing that we pretend doesn’t happen (except for entertainment value, of course) and don’t discuss. That’s why well-intentioned people still manage to say stupid shit like, “It was his time to go,” or “God has a plan,” or, “He had a pretty good run.” No one knows what to say or what to do, especially those who have not lost a loved one (especially a spouse).

Given that people don’t know how to deal with the topic of death, there also aren’t clear-cut guidelines for those who are mourning. If you’re grieving, people expect to you get over it as soon as you can for their convenience, yet will be judgmental of you if you act too happy. They don’t want you talking about the person who died, but they don’t want you having a good time, either. You can’t win.

So the best thing is to do what you need to for your own sake. No matter what you do, people will judge and people will talk; would you rather please them, or yourself? You’re the one who lost a husband, and you’re the one who is building a new life. Let them say whatever they want-- it’s YOU who has to move on however you can, at your own pace, with those who accept you as you are now.

You have every right and every reason to be hurt. Drop your association with these people. Go bowling elsewhere, take up new hobbies. Drink if you want to, as long as you know it’s under control. You’re in a position to fully control your own life, maybe for the first time in a very long time. Of course you’ll make mistakes. Make them around people who will love you through them and understand why you’ve made them. That’s true friendship.

So did you go bowling last night?

Yes. I decided I didn’t want them to run me off. They acted like nothing had happened. So I did too. Only three more weeks, then I won’t have to deal with them any more.

I guess it was better this way, to not have the confrontation. I would have had to leave. I still feel weird, and everybody I have talked to, including you guys, agree that he was acting like a dickhead. As is she, by siding with him.

C’est la vie. I’ll live.

Yes. I decided I didn’t want them to run me off. They acted like nothing had happened. So I did too. Only three more weeks, then I won’t have to deal with them any more.

I guess it was better this way, to not have the confrontation. I would have had to leave. I still feel weird, and everybody I have talked to, including you guys, agree that he was acting like a dickhead. As is she, by siding with him.

C’est la vie. I’ll live.

Yup, they acted like dickheads. No one has the right to judge how you grieve or how you move on - and hell, even if they did, lashing out at you like that would still not be the way to do it!

Keep on bowling and going out for a couple of beers and a game of pool. Be yourself.

What a pain in the ass for you. I’m sorry to hear that your “friends” are treating you this way.

How is you son, BTW? Is he pleased with the way you are living your life right now? If so, that’s probably the best barometer you have, besides yourself.

Screw 'em after the league season ends. Maybe they don’t deserve you.

My son thinks I’m doing great. He is friends with both her kids, and they can;t stand MBFB either. He is snide and generally a prick most of the time.

Thanks for all the support!

Ditch them. To start with what YOU do with YOUR life after your husbands death is non of their damend business (NOTDB). Anyone who for any reason choosesd to publicly humiliate you is NOT YOUR FRIEND (NYF) So tell these NYFs to MTOB (mind their own business) and KYA (kiss your a…) because it is NOTDB.

Be good to FIWW and tell her those NYFs are NWTT (not worth the time)

Get some new friends. You have a new life and a new man F- 'em all.

I personal feel that your friendship is gone. I would work at getting on with our life. It is better to be your own best friend then have someone else abuse you in any way.

These are two or three different things. May be even four. One, you not keeping a confadance, two your son, your drinking and three, your husband.

I think that a friend should have looked at it in that way. deal with just confadance issue. The only reason to bring everything else is hurt you. There was no other reason. They were feeling very hurt and wanted to furt you as well.

I think because of the abuse you have gone through you may be either feel it more than someone else( so what you are who you are and they should as friends take care and use old things as weapon) Or two that you have blinders on to people and not see the bad ones. Old patterns are what we tend to fallow.

I think you should see some one. You shoud be able to find someone who has a sliding scale. You have a great many things to work out. This does not mean that I feel that you are sick. No I feel that you have gone through a lot and will deal more quickly and better with some out side guidance.

Regardless of whatever improvements you may need to make in learning to keep your mouth closed, the MBFB was uber creepy with the request for the secret loan of the cash his GF didn’t want. The faster you are out of any group which contains him the better.

I agree that not being in any group that he is in is a good thing for me.


A few months ago MBF and I had a garage sale. We didn;t sell everything, and planned to have another one. All her crap is still in my garage. She e-mailed me wondering if I wanted to have a garage sale this weekend!!! Except that she wouldn’t be there! LOL—she and dickhead are moving. I told her, nicely, (I’m too f*ing nice)-- to come get her stuff. I’m sure he will be there helping her—he has the truck.

I will probably still be here for her when she wakes up. This guy is a big mistake. But she has helped me through a lot of hard times and stupid mistakes, too.

Why is it so hard for us wimmens to see losers?

I think Beadalin put things very well.

Last year I lost my Fiance and I kid you not, 2 weeks after his death a couple of women whom I had thought were mutual friends told me that I had to “get on with my life”.

Huh? After 2 weeks?

Then when I finally did begin dating again, others took it as a “sign” that I didn’t really “love” my Fiance.

Bottom line, no one knows what feels right except for you. You feel like doing it, then go do it. You don’t want to do it, then don’t.

Your best friend has extremely poor judgement, and not only with men. Go out and make some new friends who aren’t blind to what their boyfriends are really like.

IMHO, the rest of the team should have told that jerk that his actions were inappropriate.

Good Luck.