Add some sugar and a big ol dose of Jack Daniels to make it a whiskey sour. That way you can still get shitfaced.
I barely even remember posting that yesterday, and I lied. I got to work at some ridiculously early hour, I’m still one of the only people here (at 7:27 am), have somewhat of a hangover (surprise!) and am eating the shit out of a bagel right now.
I’m always in the mood for a bar fight.
I make no promises. If that mfer says the wrong thing to me, bitch will get cut.
God Damn, I like you. Didn’t we date for a while? A few years back? You sound exactly like a few old girl friends of mine.
For some reason I keep having the scene where the crocodile eats Captain Hook running through my head now… Arnold, do you happen to look like Willie DeVille?
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then find someone whose life has given them vodka ------ then the two of you can get really hammered together! 
My advice is to get out of the city. But then you need a car, so…
I’ve had the exact same thing happen to me. I have a car and a truck. The truck is for gardening, hauling mulch and plants and such. I work a remote co-op farm where I grow hot peppers and I need the truck to navigate the dirt road to the farm. So the truck gets driven maybe once a week or so. The tags and registration are up to date and not only do I park it right in front of my own house (which I own), but I make sure that not even part of the bumper crosses the property line so none of my neighbors can claim the truck is in front of their house.
Imagine my white-hot fury when I came home one day to find a big red sticker on the windshield. There was a number at the bottom, so I called the cops to find out what the deal was.
DZ: Yeah, I’ve got this sticker on my truck. It’s parked in front of my own house. Why is that a problem?
Cop Lady on Phone: Well, does it run?
DZ: Yes.
Cop Lady: Are the tags and registration current?
DZ: Yes, they are. Is it illegal to park my own vehicle in front of my own house?
Cop Lady: Actually, yes. We do have a city ordinance here prohibiting street parking, but TPD realizes that everyone does it. We know parking is difficult in this city.
DZ: So why jack me when there were plenty of parking spaces available on my block, the car is current and runs, and it’s right in front of MY house?
Cop Lady: Well, whoever issued the warning probably thought it was abandoned. Can you park it in your driveway for a few days?
DZ: Yes, but the reason I park it in the exact same spot on the street is because it has an oil leak. I try to contain the oil stain to just one spot rather than have an oil slick in my driveway and all over the street in front of my house.
Cop Lady: Well, maybe you could put some cardboard under it while it’s in your driveway?
:: sigh ::
So I put the truck in my driveway for a week. Moved it back out to the street after washing it a bit. Got ANOTHER red sticker. Only this time I caught the cop and jacked him back. I basically had the same conversation with him as I did the cop lady on the phone. He cited me because there are spiders living in the bed of the truck and the minute I park it, they get to work spinning new webs. So there’s spider webs on my truck = abandoned vehicle. I had to get in and start it up to prove it was running and informed him that he probably had a lot better ways to spend my tax dollars than jacking me for parking my own truck in front of my own house.
Evidently, he got reassigned or maybe the nosy neighbor (who may or may not have been involved) found something else to complain about… or something. After a few weeks, whoever gave a damn about my truck found something better to do and I was left alone.
Hm. Just telling the story makes me want to go have a drink…
I think I’m already there. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, “Something is not right.” Glasses + bangs = hide your face from the world.
Probably. I don’t seriously get into bar fights. Okay, I did once in 2005, but it wasn’t really a fight, so much as it was me making good on a threat to punch the face of a guy who refused to apologize for general dickery, which included grabbing my ass.
Never!
HA!
Note to self: Spiders are citable offense. Wait, I think I might be able to get behind that one. My car isn’t even (that) dirty. It’s just a regular car. The fact that I haven’t driven it in a week and change offended someone’s sensibilities how? Get the fuck over it, I walk to work.
And I probably am going to strangle the co-worker. Shit-for-brains e-mailed and called me about the same thing within five minutes. “Simmer down” was the nicest thing I could force myself to say to him. I’m leaving work early today. Fuck this.
On the subject of “abandoned” vehicles …
A number of years ago, I worked for a small computer programming company in Los Angeles. There was a major convention in San Jose, about 300 miles away. We packed up all our servers and computers for the trade show and put them into a big, yellow Ryder truck. My buddy and I drove the truck and unloaded it at the convention center, and then went to the condoplex where we were staying. It was a sort-of “extended stay” hotel, where you could get a condo for a week. However, I couldn’t park the truck in the parking lot, so I had to park it on the street.
Everything was fine Monday through Thursday. On Thursday evening, we came home to find the truck gone. I called the cops asking if they had towed it, and was told that they would not have towed a vehicle that had only been “abandoned” for less than a week. Therefore, the truck must have been stolen.
They sent a cop out to take down the particulars, and we were scrambling to find a truck to get our stuff back to LA the next day. I kept asking the cop if the truck might have been towed and he kept telling me that being left on the street for 3 or 4 days was not a problem, and that they would not have towed the vehicle.
On Friday morning, I got a call from the police. The truck had, indeed, been towed, and was at the police impound lot. Some old cranky neighbor had decided the truck had been abandoned and the police had had it towed away.
They could have called Ryder and given them the number of the truck to see what date it was due to be returned, or if it had been stolen. Better yet, they could have looked at the piece of paper I had taped to the driver’s window explaining how to get in touch with me in case the truck needed to be moved for any reason.
Amazingly, they waived the towing and impound fees because it was their mistake.
Listen to Beadalin, she speaks wisdom. Aster Cafe may not have a full bar, but they have wine and beer and they do have a drink list, so there are at least some mixed drinks to be had. The flatbreads are num. (I was just there last night.) The house red was pretty good - very jammy - and at $3 for happy hour not a bad deal.
That’s a great straight line, but I’m not sure where to go with it. I don’t want to get eaten alive.
And shit.
So with all this talk about vehicle abandonment, the car in the spot to the right of mine has basically not been towed because it’s a paid parking spot.
Dude hasn’t moved since last winter. Old beater, driver side window got smashed in, flat tires…there’s still pop bottles and actual stuff in the car. There’s a fedora-like hat in the back, maybe I should attempt to salvage it.
I met the owner once, I thought I had bumped his car back when he was still driving it so I left a note. Big black dude shows up at my door (this is only relevant because we don’t have black dudes here, it’d be like living in Siberia and having some big black dude show up at your door, you’d be like wtf where did you come from?) and says no prob, the damage was actually from a prior thing and he was getting a new one anyway. A brand new truck was in the spot for about a week, then the junker came back and I haven’t seen big black dude since.
The idea of not moving your car for that long is strange. Seattle has a 72-hour parking limit. If your car hasn’t moved by day 4, it will be ticketed. I’d expect a car to be towed by the end of a week, no busybodies would be necessary.
Amazingly indeed. I thought they were allowed to make errors, but we weren’t.
It’s an idle threat. I hear people taste like Spam.
Asinine. What are people who don’t drive a lot supposed to do? Get in their car every three days and drive their car 10 feet ahead to a different spot?
[Alan Rickman]
I’ll be down the pub.
[/Alan Rickman]
(Is this from Galaxy Quest? I can’t remember.)
By the way, the correct expression is:
“When life hands you lemons, squirt them in people’s eyes.”
I would have thought a Mean Old Lady would know that.
Oh, there’s no parking spot 10 feet ahead.
There might be one a few blocks away, if you’re lucky. And when you walk back to your spot, it’ll be taken.
Ok, it’s Friday…my day to get shitfaced after work. I usually get hammered to celebrate a good work week though. In these times having a job at all is plenty of reason for me to celebrate.
Four Tecates in so far…
:smack: THAT’S what the hole’s for…
Enjoy,
Steven
Good for you, Hippie. You show that uppity liver who’s boss. Boy, that hangover was really something. Came in waves, it did. I thought I was fine until maybe 9:00 when I realized I wished I were dead. I bailed at 2:30, and am now having a long overdue first drink of the day. Will put on drinking shoes soon, and head out to do some more damage. Because y’all need a play-by-play of my day, right? Let’s see, what else? I woke up at 5:30, I had a slice of pizza for lunch at 12:45, left work early to do something less soul-crushing, then got home at around five. There. Now you’re up to speed.