I believe I’ve met the world’s biggest asshat (pardon the cliche). I’m a friendly sort, call me naive - I tend to think the best of people. Unfortunately, when I met the World’s Biggest Asshat (WBA) that pretty much killed my sunny outlook on humanity. My story begins the day of my father’s funeral. My husband and I used to live in a crappy apartment and were used to finding our cars blocked in by new people moving in. This had never been a problem because they would always move when we asked politely - but what we didn’t know is that we were about to meet the WBA. My husband’s Jeep is parked in a space with a curb on one side (and a big cluster mailbox) and another car on the other. Right behind him, parked more than halfway across the back of the Jeep, is a beat up red Neon idling away. The location of the Neon confuses me a bit since there are several spaces right in front of it, directly across from it, and next to the car on the other side of our Jeep. I also don’t see anyone outside. We sit in the Jeep for a minute, trapped and wondering what to do, when I spy the WBA coming out of his apartment on the 3rd floor. Ah, he’s moving some dining room chairs. Cool, now we can ask him to move his car for a minute so we can leave, and everything will be dandy. Yeah right. I get out of the car as he comes down. He ignores me and goes to his car to get another chair. I said, “Can you please move you car so we can get out?” He studies me for a moment, decides I’m just a 5’1" woman, turns around and heads up the stairs to his apartment. Wait a minute…did that just happen?? I say again, “Could you please move you car, I need to get to my father’s funeral?” I’m thinking he must be deaf, right? Oh no, he turns around again from up on the 2nd floor looks at his car blocking my Jeep and tells me, “You can get out of there.” He then carries on his way again. Holy crap! The only way we could get out was to ram his car (oh why didn’t we do that?!) or the car next to us. Well, my husband had enough and gets out of the Jeep. He yells at the guy to get his ass down here and move the fucking car. The WBA swings around, you can just tell he’s gonna mouth off… until he sees that my husband is 6’2" and ready to pound his ass. Yep, he decides it’s a good idea to move his car. He actually dares to mumble something about how if we could drive, we could get the car out. I think my husband actually growled at him. So thank you WBA for making me deal with your fucking attitude on the day of my dad’s funeral. It was so hard to move your beat up piece of shit car 5 feet. I bet you’ve parked other people in judging by all the dents in the side - who needs to learn to drive again?! My only consolation is that you were too much of a coward to even get out of your car if we drove up at the same time during the last 3 months we lived there. Not that we would have ever spoken to you again, but I’m glad you felt you had to sit in your car until we left. Fucking jerk.
I feel so refreshed now.
Well, it’s not like your dad was going anywhere, and WBA undoubtedly had some very important sitting on his lame ass to get to.
Thanks for sharing this story. Every time I think I’ve heard of the epitome of humanity’s shitty pettiness someone posts a story like this and raises the fucking bar. You know WBA isn’t worth it. Take a bubble bath, sip some wine and luxuriate in your own moral superiority.
The threat of violence can sometimes lead to real violence. Although it worked, I’d have handled it differently. When WBA had gone into his apartment, I’d have calmly gotten into the idling Neon, and pulled it forward into an appropriate space, shut off the vehicle, 'cos it’s wasting precious fuel and supporting terrorism, and then I’d throw his fucking keys across the parking lot into some bushes somewhere. But that’s just me.
[quick hijack]
I’m sorry, but this is one of the funniest posts I have ever read on these boards. I could literally see you doing this and my sides are still aching from laughing. Thanks!
[/qh]
I would have to agree. I’m kicking myself just thinking about the community doggie doody receptacle that would have nestled his keys quite nicely in the bowels of karmic justice. :smack:
I’d bet the SOB would have called the cops if they had done that, because that was my first thought as well.
Otto, do you come into each thread with the intent of insulting the OP out of hand?
If you think Kiger was revelling in “moral superiority” because she figured another human being might be considerate enough to move his car when they needed to go mourn the loss of a loved one, you must have an amazing lack of empathy and thoughtfulness when it comes to dealing with others.
Ah see, now Otto, I’m wondering if I missed something and your post really was intended to offend, because I didn’t read it that way at all. Of course, not being the OP myself, YMMV.
See, that’s why I loved to drive my dad’s old beat-up van. My dad parks by braille, and all four corners of it were totally trashed. If the guy told me I could get past his car, I would have looked at his car, looked at my van, shrugged, and said, “Okay, they’re your fenders…”
Bet he’d have moved it pretty quick…
And the nominees for the category “Unable to comprehend sarcasm without a rolling eyes smiley” are: Gorgon Heap…
And Gorgon Heap wins by a landslide!
If it makes you feel any better, please mentally insert a rolling eyes smiley at the end of my first paragraph and a big grin smiley at the end of the second. Feel free to physically insert something large and sandpaper-covered up your tight ass as well while you’re at it.
For anyone else who may be as impaired as GH, let me dumb it down: WBA bad person. He way big jerk. Kiger good person. She way better than WBA. Me like Kiger.
I’m guessing that the person posting this was serious? I would have done the same thing, but then I’m a gutsy old woman.
This post is inline with the one tlw posted, in that it brings up my worst pet peeve, people who think they are better than everyone else, and misbehave accordingly.
Oh, and to add to what the poster said about moving the car and throwing the keys into the bushes? I would have locked all of the neon’s doors first.
GRRRRR
Or, perhaps I would have called the apartment manager to deal with the idiot.
Now, now… it’s ok. I “got” your post Otto. In fact, that part about my dad not going anywhere gave me a good laugh. Gee, when you put it that way…
So, no need to heap scorn on Gorgon. Oh wait, I forgot this is the Pit…
That’s all well and good, but not two weeks ago I got slammed in a Pit thread when nobody got my sarcasm either.
Seems to be going around this season …
Silly people. If you’re going to drive someone’s car away like that, don’t throw away the keys; leave them in the car. With the doors locked.
And the engine running. 
That’s exactly why I found it so amusing; I knew he was serious! It was a hilarious mental image.
I’m pretty much your ballsy old bat, myself! It was no effort to imagine myself doing the key-toss to the other side of the yard whatsoever. Although I might have just moved his car then locked his keys in it while it was still running, too.
Ironically, we have a stupidity law in my state. If you leave your keys in the car with the doors unlocked, you are breaking the law. In other words, the police will not prosecute someone who steals a vehicle with unlocked doors and keys in the ignition.
That is exactly what I would have done, though I’m not sure whether or not I would have thrown the keys. I would have moved the vehicle myself, shut the car off, and locked the doors (with the keys still in the ignition). I wouldn’t want to be the one breaking the law:)
My other course of action would have been to call the police department.
oops…I guess that is what I get for not reading the entire thread before making my post…just more redundancy (and I thought everyone was going to clap me on the back for coming up with something clever).
I was thinking the same thing when I read the OP - Why didn’t you just get in, move the car, then lock the keys in it with it running? :dubious:
Oopsie! Sorry 'bout that. Hope you have triple-A!
Course, I don’t know if I’d have had the guts to do that myself. But it sounds like a great idea!
Something about the funeral and meeting the WBA for the first time left me a bit shocky and unable to formulate a proper response. I didn’t even believe in the WBA - it was like seeing bigfoot. Wow, the WBA! And he’s been living right above me all this time! I should have called Foxnews.
You know, the fact that no one has tried to claim that they have, in fact, met the real WBA and that mine is a pale immitation should demonstrate just how elusive the WBA is. I wish someone would tag his ear.
Next time, I will fling his keys. I promise.
I am in awe. I have not met the elusive WBA. I have met BAs, but they pale in comparison to this one.
[Croc Hunter]
Crikey! Look 'a that one! He’s a beauty! See those beady little eyes? That’s a characteristic of the species.
These babies live mostly in urban areas. You can recognize them by the way they park in the middle of the street and talk to their friends through the window of their cars, mindless of the traffic lined up behind them. They prefer to stop in between two cars that are parked on either side of the street, so no one can pass.
One of their survival tactics is to pull into the driveway of someone’s house and honk the horn instead of getting out of the car to knock on the door. That way, if a human tries to shoot them, they can quickly drive away.
[/Croc Hunter]
The morning after my mother died, My sister went outside to see the #2BA had shot the driver’s side window out of her car with a pellet gun.
On a different occasion. a different asshat parked me in at the county fair. Parking was in a open field, no marked spaces, etc. Fortunately, his mistake was to do it in a pickup truck with a manual transmission and mushroom locks. I got a wire, unlocked the door, took the truck out of gear, and pushed it out of the way so I could get my car out. Then, I left the truck where it was in the lane, put it back in gear, turned on everything electrical including the headlights, and being a responsible person, relocked his doors so no one else would break in to his vehicle.
I still wonder what his reaction was…