To-Day I Keyed Someone's Car

The BBQ Pit
1

My lord,

Truly, the crime I have now committed is too great for words. Though I must no doubt be cast deep into the Infidel’s pit for my horrid indiscretions, I do by writing this wish to appeal to your infinitely gentle nature. It is my sincerest hope that you can find within your generous heart some form of forgiveness for your miserable, will-less beast of a disciple.

On the eve of yesterday, as I descended from my tower in preparation for a necessary excursion into The City, that vile den of debaucheries, I came upon my auto-mobile in a state of some discontent. One of this wretched neighborhood’s Stygian inhabitants had, in a fit of blackest malevolence, positioned his own auto-mobile in such a manner as to make it impossible for me to wrench free of the accursed few square metres in which my own mechanical chariot was situated.

The hopelessness of the situation and the urgency of the mission I was to have undertaken combined to form in my mind a roiling, brewing cloud of madness and hysteria, one which consumed my person in such a frightful manner I fear I may never be the same. My right hand, which held the metal key to my chariot, found itself raised and, as if by a force of will not my own, proceeded to scrape a small line in the corner of the goblinoid’s auto-mobile. The sudden sound and movement of a chariot passing to my left broke my reverie long enough for me to regain control of my faculties, unfortunately permitting my conscience to realize the hideous extent of the damage I had wrought. A white line, easily two milli-meters in length!

Horrified, I ran back to my tower, whimpering and crying, begging the higher authorities for mercy in the face of my heinous infraction. As I threw my key on the dresser and prostrated myself upon the floor of my domicile screaming for redemption there it was, just as I remembered, burned into the air in front of my eyes, that most hoary of commandments: “Thou Dost Not Fucketh With A Man’s Auto-mobile.”

My lord, I shall not fail again. Next time I shall heed the commandments, I shall respect the rules, I shall let things follow their proper course, and I shall do the honorable thing. I shall burn his house down.
With greatest respect and reverence, I remain

Don Fnoonfo de Alcabab

2

So the Pit has kind of taken on the role of confessional lately. Damn, I need to go out and do something unreasonable and aggressive, then come here and confess and apologize. That way I get to be a dick and have a clear concious at the same time.

3

I cannot bring myself to even talk to you, such desecration is almost beyond belief. The only atonement possible will be to walk backwards around your neighbors car wearing naught but a rag for modesty, and whipping your tainted flesh to blood stained tatters with a piece of garden hose.
That’s what I do in such circumstances.

Cheers, Bippy

4

Flog him.

5

Keying his car is wrong…

You shoulda punched him in the nose.

6

Then maybe the world woud be a better place . . .

7

Let’s not drag lieu into this! :smiley:

8

Well, yeah, but you’re charging us $29.95 a month to see it on your Web site.

9

shhhh RickJay, that is a quality web site for a discerning clientele. Oh and a yearly subscription is just $319.95.

Bippy :wink:

10

Link? :wink:

11

You should’ve punched him in the nose. Somebody’s liable to buy the car in question and end up stuck with a paint flaking rust bucket. Thanks.

12

** Fnoonf **, go find the guy, and tell him that you keyed his car when you got mad at finding you car hemmed in.

Tell him this to his face, then sincerely apologize, and tell him that you want to pay to have it fixed right away. Then pay to have it fixed, or give him money for compensation.

Basically, own up for doing something wrong.

And lastly, take that pompous, over-the-top, prancing rhetoric of yours and shove up your ass. You fuckin’ keyed someone’s car, you shit-fer-brains. That makes you a dickhead.

(Unless of course you were just kidding with your post, in which case, forget about compensating him, but still shove the rhetoric up your ass.)

And yme, you shut the hell up. You’re still in trouble from that dumb post of yours yesterday.

13

booka: whoosh

Fnoonf has, IIRC, done a Pit post in this style before - I think it was about fast food - that was pretty damned funny.

Note also that he said he left a 2 mm mark in the paint. That’s about the width of a dime, perhaps a bit more.

14

If you opt for the whipping and don’t have a garden hose, I think it would make it more interesting if you ripped the guy’s antenna off and used that to scourge yourself.

15

Steal his car and run yourself over.

16

3 times.

17

If it’s so minor, then he’ll be perfectly comfortable admitting to his neighbor that he keyed his car, right? And if he feels so horrified about this, then he should appologize immediately for vandalizing the car and he’ll be perfectly happy to pay for the damage he caused, right?

Oh, and I took “2 mm” to be the width of the scratch, not the length.

Anyways, I’d urge the OP to appologize at the very least.

18

Shame on you! The car didn’t do it. The dumbass driver blocked you in. KEY HIM! :smiley:

19

From the OP:

Not that I think it’s all fine and good to be even nicking cars with your keys, but it’s a teeny little spot.

20

Hey Ferret Herder, whoosh?

So I’m not HIP because, hey, he’s only talking about a tiny scratch? “Hey, dood, like, you should chill - it’s only a small scratch. Whas’ the big deal?”

Oh - I get it now. And I’m also supposed to find value and wit in Fnoonf’s little pretentious monologue. It’s funny because … right, it’s funny because he fucked up someone else’s car, but only fucked it up a little bit, and he got to use it as a reason to post here! It’s all about HIM! :smack:

Ferret Herder, you’re cut from the same smegma baloney mold that Fnoonf was birthed from.

whoosh my ass. Fuck you, and the rest of the idiots in the world that think it’s OK to vandalize other people’s property, and somehow rationalize wit or value or righteousness from it.

It’ll be whoosh when you or butt-munchin’ Fnoonf get your silly little asses handed to you by someone that doesn’t find you funny.

God, GOD! First yme, and now this.