I'm not eating the turkey. Get over it.

[danceswithcats]

Thank you. I always called it Turkey a la Rohm & Haas.

[Paisley_Park]

@danceswithcats

Sorry if this advice is a little late. Borrowing some ideas from my time as a HazMat tech, you should be able to thoroughly clean the questionable bird.

Begin with an empty 5 gallon drywall bucket, placing the bird inside. Add isopropyl alcohol until the bird is submerged. Use a long handled scrub brush to ensure all surfaces are thoroughly scrubbed. Rinse with clean, potable water.
Transfer to a second empty 5 gallon drywall bucket. Add a solution of household bleach and very hot water, mixed at a ratio of 8:1 water to bleach. Allow the bird to soak for 15 minutes.

While the bird is soaking, make sure the steam jenny is brought up to temperature. After removing the bird from the bleach solution, rinse again with clean, potable water, and place the bird on a clean rack with plenty of room for drainage. Using the steam jenny, thoroughly wash the inside and outside of the bird to remove residual contaminants. Keep the pressure down to around 500 psi or you’ll blast the meat right off the bone.

Now you’re ready to neutralize any little buggers that might have slipped past the decon process with proper cooking. This is best done out of doors with an old cast iron bathtub and an iron grate. After plugging the drain of the bathtub, carefully add a few gallons of methyl methacrylate monomer, readily found at most industrial chemical supply outlets. Be sure to avoid any open flames at this point.

Once the turkey is placed onto the grating, and the grating is in place over the tub, it’s time to cook! If you have access to safety fuse, please use it, otherwise lobbing a road flare into the tub will work nicely. Expect a hearty WOOF as the monomer takes off. With an autoignition temperature of 790°F any microorganisms will be thoroughly incinerated.

It’s time to grab a beer and wait until the flames die down as the monomer is consumed. Safety first! Be sure to allow adequate time for the grating to cool. Welding gloves can be a handy substitute for traditional kitchen mitts.

Mmmm! Makes my mouth water.

LOL!