I'm sick of hearing about the quarterlife crisis!

The BBQ Pit
61

Yes.

I don’t know any 25 year olds who own homes. That is a Cadillac problem. Being able to save for retirement and kids’ college educations are also Cadillac problems.

I’m only 38, but as Indiana Jones might say, “It ain’t the years, honey, it’s the mileage.” I feel as old as the hills reading some of this stuff. Some real-world experience is always beneficial, and it isn’t always sunshine and butterflies. Accept it and work it out.

Everybody has been your age. Almost everybody has been in a position similar to yours. Every generation thinks that their experience is somehow totally new and different. It isn’t. There is nothing new under the sun (except for an even worse lack of prospects for the young, perhaps).

Don’t expect older folks to indulge your whining when we’ve been through it and can see it for what it usually is- whining.

62

I am one of those kids. My parents are stereotypical boomers. Born right after the war, hippies in college in the late sixties, my dad sweated the draft lottery. Raised working class and the first in the family to go to college, they climbed the ladder in the 80’s, invested well in the 90’s and are now semi-retired, playing too much golf, living in a house too big for two people, raging against the comming 6-0.

My dad remembers being hungry as a child, and as he became a self-made man, my sister and I wanted for nothing. If I had problems, Daddy swooped in with his 'tude and his community standing and it was all fixed. My mother refered to it as “Calling in the Big Guns.” I went to college for free.

At 23, the world was cold and ugly, and I wasn’t ready for it. Did I whine? Of course. I thought the world was ending because I had no idea how to live in it. You can call it a failing of character if you want. Call me lazy and spoiled-- it’s 100% true. I was. I knew no different. But it seems like every generation before (and many people of my generation NOT raised in the middle/upper middle class) had some kind of training in childhood about how “life sucks, nothing’s fair, and the world doesn’t care about you”. We have been so sheltered and coddled that when we get out there, we’re like little kids again. The few years where you stumble around and try and figure out how to be an adult are scary and confusing. It certainly felt like a crisis to me.

My parents meant well, and were only trying to give me a better childhood that they had. But frankly, being allowed to fall on my face now and then would have done me a world of good.

I’m 27 now, and have only recently really felt like I am a full grown-up. I’m embarassed by the last couple of years, and I wish I’d learned responsibility a lot younger.

63

Damn, I can tolerate the whining. It’s the attempt to elevate this nearly ubiquitous experience to CRISIS LEVEL!!! that makes me laugh. I guess I could fake real concern. I did it the other night when my teenage cousin was weeping and wailing about how she couldn’t grow out her bangs without looking like a freak. I mean, she was in real pain. Who am I to question whether her pain was real or legit? Pain is pain, man, and you can’t assess it from the outside. Would it make all the quarter-life crisis sufferers feel better and able to cope with the real world if the fogies just showed a little fake compassion?

I can’t even discuss whose ‘problems’ are worse than others, since I don’t see coming out of college with a world of choices at your feet as a problem at all, and I think these particular kids have been misled. I don’t think all 20’s are a mess. I know plenty who are just fine. Some of them have even been privileged to go from cradle to graduation stage without once considering the cost of things or the work that stands behind the plastic they spend, and yet they still understand that they will have to take on adult responsibility after they graduate. Trust me. These aren’t the ones proclaiming quarter-life crises. They may whine once in a while, and that’s expected in times of change, but, come on. How can we even entertain the idea that this phenomenon is a crisis?

64

But for every generation, their experience will be totally new and different to them. There’s really no way around that.

Whp’s asking them to?

Nobody here’s Pitting their own quarterlife crisis, and expecting sympathy from us oldsters. Somebody’s Pitting the notion of a quarterlife crisis, which seems to me to be quite real, even if ‘crisis’ is a bit over the top - but the same’s true of ‘midlife crisis’ too.

The reality is that there are a certain number of points in life when there’s more than the usual difficulty, uncertainty, or confusion. Being a few years out of school seems to be one of those, along with the point right after your kids have all grown up and left. (“Sex somewhere besides the bedroom with the door shut - what’s that like?”) For some workaholics, it’s retirement. (“What are you complaining about - I’d love to be able to goof off all day and not worry about money!”) Some mothers have post-partum depression. (“Kwitcherbitchen! We’ve been trying to have a kid for twelve years, and all we’ve had are miscarriages!”)

Almost everything that people bitch about can be belittled. It doesn’t usually make sense to do so.

65

I believe the quote was “Shut the fuck up” which does not necessarily mean you can’t complain. Sometimes it’s just the only rational response to a complaint, though.

For example, when a tiny minority of people, who happen to be the most priveleged, complain about how hard it is now because they had been getting spoon fed and now they have to do a few things for themselves. Oh and it’s hard to make friends now that everyone has a real job and a real life and won’t sit up all night bullshitting. I mean what the hell have you been doing all these years? Smoking pot, listening to Rock’N’Roll music and badmouthing your country, I’ll bet.

66

Obsidian, that was beautifully put. Retrospect is a nice thing, but obviously not something you can get without going through something first.

67

Look, I don’t have much sympathy for people in their early 20s bitching because they have to pay the bills now Mummy and Daddy won’t let them live at home, and they can’t have marathon all-night Xbox 360 Gaming Marathons because their Nazi of a boss makes them show up at 8:30am just like everyone else.

But I am amazed at the attitude of a lot of posters here- basically saying “Tough Shit” isn’t really constructive, IMO.

In fact, I’m reminded of the Four Yorkshireman here (“Luxury! We used to dream of having bills to pay! We had to give money to ourselves because we were too poor to have bills!”).

The thing is, when someone says they’re having a crisis in their mid-20s, it can cover anything from simply hating their job and not liking the fact they have to pay bills, to realising that their degree is going to become worthless before they graduate- if they ever do- and they can’t keep a job to pay the bills or keep a roof over their heads (which is close to my problem) , to discovering that their girlfriend is pregnant and both sets of parents expect a wedding before the birth…

In short, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to take stock of your life at certain stages and ask yourself “Where am I going? What’s my purpose in life? What’s the best way to get there? Why don’t I just take my passport and a wad of cash to the airport and get on the next flight leaving the country and see where I end up?”

People cope with stress and change in different ways- just because it didn’t bother you personally doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother anyone else, either.

68

Erm, Jpen and RTFirefly, I mebbe wrong, but methought BoBettie was joshin’.

69

But the only things you listed which are actually CRISES are not being able to keep a job, and the knocked-up girlfriend (or self). Hating your job, not liking to pay bills, and not being able to use one’s degree are not CRISES. They suck and merit a bitchfest or three, but none of those things are crises.

I think there’s just a line between a crisis and regular ol’ confusion and unhappiness. I can EASILY agree that someone who’s 25 and facing a pregnancy, or mortgage payment, or utter unemployability is in crisis. These are giant, life-changing things which need to at least APPEAR to run SOMEWHAT smoothly. No dream job? No more all-night drinking/video game sessions? Having to budget for groceries and bills? Having to take care of yourself in normal, day-to-day living? Not so much. IMNPFHO, the people who have just gotten out of college and are dismayed when they find out no one’s holding their hands any more are NOT in crisis; they’re just in their 20s. And it’s ridiculous to give them a label to cling to which reinforces their idea that they are PUT-UPON and VICTIMIZED.

70

Obsidian, I can only encourage you to tell that to every person you ever meet who is of an age where they may be rearing children now and in the future. The societal pressure right now on parents to over-structure and over-protect their kids is so great that many parents who might feel differently don’t dare go against the tide because they might be accused of “child abuse.”

71

Perhaps things are different in the US, but here, being in your 20s doesn’t automatically mean you’re out of (or have even been anywhere near) University.

In fact, most people I know try and get a job first, then focus on the University later on in life when they need to advance their careers.

So it’s entirely possible to find yourself, at age 25, with no degree, a crap job with no security, unable to get a house (because they cost too much), and the constant threat of redundancy or unemployment hanging over your head.

It sounds like a lot of twentysomethings in the US need to grow up if the only thing wrong with their lives at 25 is that they’ve graduated from Uni and don’t like the entry level job they’ve got- in which case, consider me more in agreement with the Cranky Old Bastards elsewhere in the thread.

But that’s not to say there are people who genuinely can’t cope with this- and I really don’t see anything wrong with the term “quarter life crisis”. After all, no-one sees anything wrong with saying the 40 year old guy who suddenly buys a Harley or a Red Porsche and starts rooting his secretary is having a “Mid Life Crisis”.

72

Reading message boards could be one possible reason the OP has heard so much complaining.

I didn’t have an outlet like this when I was 25 and many others probably didn’t either. If this technology had been available to the masses in the 70’s and 80’s, I’ll bet some of us could dig and find cites showing complaints similar to the ones the OP is discussing - but by our generation.

73

You know, I think I have a unique perspective.

I’m twenty-two (almost twenty-three). I graduated with my BA in December of 2003 (20), and got married in October, 2004 (21). My husband and I bought our first house over a year ago (also at 21). Together, we’re pulling in over 50K/year, which is slightly above the national median. This might not seem like a lot, but given where we live and the fact that we do not have children, it’s more than enough.

I know that I’m incredibly lucky. I have a good job (one that has nothing to do with my degree, but which has allowed me to get securities licenses, which are marketable should I ever need to find another job), a stable relationship, and a mortgage. I haven’t had to go through the full-blown quarter-life crisis, but that’s because I’ve worked pretty damn hard at my life.

That being said. . .some of my peers entered the job market about a year ago, and they do struggle with the idea that their degree doesn’t guarantee them the ideal job. I can relate. It takes a certain amount of experience and maturity to realize that what you do at work is not what defines your life. When someone who lacks either of those qualities finds himself in a job that’s essentially a drone in a cube farm (or behind a desk, or a counter), then that can be very demoralizing. Until you learn that you can be a writer/artist/spouse/friend/party animal/director that does XXXX to make money, the feeling isn’t going to get any better.

74

You do understand that describing a man as having a “mid-life crisis” is always a put-down, right? A friend of mine bought a new Mazda RX, and we didn’t give him a moment’s peace about his “mid-life crisis.”

75

Could we please belay the use of the word Crisis unless said use involves:

imminent or certain death, by causes unpleasant and implacable;

collapses of economies or civilizations;

requirements for mass graves;

extinction level events;

…or the like?

Really, words like adversity, unpleasantness and tragedy are feeling really marginalized.

76

If I have to have a quarter-life or mid-life crisis, that’s definitely the kind I want :smiley:

77

This is certainly an illuminating thread. Perhaps some might find my perspective helpful or at least momentarily diverting.

I am 28 and live in New York City. I did not endure a crisis, but I did have a very rough time for my first few years out of college for various reasons. Although I worked a string of miserable but often very demanding jobs and struggled to pay the bills in my squalid apartment, these were not really the sources of my psychological difficulty. My problems were unique perhaps only to my generation.

I “sucked it up”, as it were, and have made a little something of myself. I did not necessarily have it harder than people before me, but certain factors did complicate things.

The biggest difficulties were not in paying the rent but in changing my damn world view.

There is only so many times you can be told that if you just work hard enough and are smart enough, there will be opportunities for you. Do well on this test, get into the right college, and success will be natural consequent of your efforts.

I busted my ass, studied hard, and ultimately graduated from an ivy league school in NYC just in time to watch the bubble burst in 2000. Paying the rent was hard, but learning that I really wasn’t worth shit was even harder. Passing the guys on the street with signs that said “Will write code for food” was not encouraging.

These difficultues were not insurmountable and certainly nothing in comparison to what others have endured, but they were hard. The more I tried to work to “get ahead” and to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, the more disillusioned I grew.

It was not an easy thing to discover that everything I had believe about working hard, doing good, and success were basically wrong. It was hard to work 24 hour shifts at my miserable job because people all around me were getting laid off. My reward was not losing my job. For this I went to college. I tried not to whine about it, but it really did suck. In many ways, I wished that my parents had treated me like dirt growing up, if only so that I would have been more used to it.

My parents believed that their generation was more successful than their forebears, and I was raised to believe the same of my generation. Ridding myself of this belief took some effort.

My life was further complicated by my burden of student debt. I will be carrying my student debt with me for the next twenty-five years. My monthly payment is as large as a mortgage on a little house in the midwest. I am confident that this is not something that is common to people even ten years older than me.

It is hard to pay for an ivy league education with a low level administrative job. It was hard to be reminded on a monthly basis that everything I had believed about the value of a first class education, working hard, getting good grades, etc. was fucking wrong.

To make a long story short, I was wrong, these things do have value. It just took several years for them to pay me dividends.

I tried to weather it. Alone, I probably would have failed. I was tempted to try to move back home to save a little money.

I was fortunate to have met a woman nearly four years ago, whom I have since married. I took some big risks, got another round of costly schooling, and am doing ok. I own my apartment, have been promoted once already in a very competitive global finance corporation, and feel that I am in control of my own life. Without support from my wife and from my family I do not think I would have been able to make it.

Those who are not so fortunate and do feel that their lives are in crisis have my sympathy and my best wishes for the future.

78

Same here. I graduated from university in 1983–right into a recession. I’d been brought up on the idea of “get a degree and employers will hire you for life.” Didn’t happen; my first job (six months after graduation) was as a janitor. And that was only so long as the regular janitor was off on disability.

Quarterlife crisis? Pffft! Thank Og we’re in the Pit, because here I can say, “Cry me a river, dipshit.” When I was 25, I was working for somebody who blatantly ignored the local Employment Standards Act. In addition to those actions, I was illegally laid off. I was hired by another, who promptly abrogated her agreement with me, and suddenly, $20 an hour became $8. Period. Too young and too stupid to pursue an action, I dealt with it.

And I dealt with it, no matter what came up. Nothing was guaranteed. If I had a good job, I was lucky. If I had a crap job; well, at least I had one. Somehow, the rent got paid, the gas tank got filled, and the food got put on the table. The food wasn’t always great, but it kept me alive. But to this day, I can’t eat another peanut butter cracker.

So I have to look at this “quarterlife crisis,” and quote Supertramp: “Crisis? What crisis?” Mommy and Daddy are making you make your way in the world, and your suddenly realize that a fine arts degree in French Impressionists ain’t getting you a job? And if it is, it ain’t enough to pay you sufficiently to afford the stylish loft, the nice clothes, and the Mercedes? Tough cookies, kids; join the real world.

Your “quarterlife crisis” is what we used to call (and what I still sometimes call) The Big Lie: Get a degree and you’re set for life. Hell, if I had known then what I know now, I’d tell you to get a diploma in auto mechanics. Be a mortician. Be a carpenter, be a bricklayer, be a baker. If you’re having a “quarterlife crisis” because your life is not turning out to be what TV promised, then you’ve done something wrong.

Me–a degree holder from one of Canada’s most prestigious universities, and someone who is a recognized expert in their field (technical writing)–I’m punching my card at the factory Monday at 0800. What are you doing at that time?

79

Sleeping.

Hey, you asked.

And I’ve never heard of a “quarter life crisis.”

80

I had a “quarterlife crisis” about a year into my last job. (I graduated college at 21 and got the job I’d been gunning for at my state microbiology lab.) Strangely enough, I think it may have been brought on by our own ** Persephone**'s death. A little while after I’d been to her funeral, I had a moment of revelation one day in the lab. I looked around at my coworkers, all of whom were at least fifteen years older than me, and realized that my life could end any day, while I was at a job that wasn’t really making me feel fulfilled. I realized at that moment that:

  • I don’t want to be one of those women who sit around the break room table and talk about nothing but TV and their kids’ sports teams because there’s nothing else going on in their lives.

and…

  • I don’t want to have done nothing but this job when I’m fifty (my coworkers were very good at their jobs, but had never done anything else and were, frankly, painfully dull to be around).

The next day I was online looking at graduate programs in public health.

So far it’s been a really good decision - I love my school and what I’ve learned here, and I know it’s going to open up a lot of doors for me (I’m leaving for Peace Corps, and have been thinking more and more about going to med school some day since I’ve been here). I may feel differently once I have to start paying back my mountain of student loan debt, but getting out of my comfortable little bubble (and, hell, just getting out of my home state) has done me a world of good, for which I thank my “quarter-life crisis”.