I’m the quiet great-aunt, about whom everyone says “It’s a shame, she’d be so pretty if she wasn’t so fat.” I have too many pets and too many plants, but all your children adore me and tell me their secret dreams, and when one of you is sick or dying, I’m the one who will stay and take care of you until it’s over.
I’m the cousin with the dyed hair and piercings everyone loves anyway. I get along well with the little ones, but not so much with the older cousins. I like to hang out with the wacky family members and find myself at home in the corner with a book, or small child to entertain.
I’m the cute yet annoying neighborhood kid who comes over to regale you with tales of her life. Maybe it wouldn’t be so annoyin if she didn’t always choose the wrong time, i.e. just when you’re settling into your hammock to read a novel and sip some iced tea or in a heated argument with your spouse.
"So anyways today I saw a spider and it went down this hole right next to the playground and I sat next to the hole FOREVER and I ants went in and out and I stuck a piece of grass down there and scratched my knee and waited and waited for the spider but it didn’t come out of the hole and did you know my Daddy is taking me to Disneyland and I went one time before but my brother is too little to remember and I rode the MATTERHORN even though it looked scary 'cause I’m a big girl but I’m gonna be a princess when I grow up and I want one of those pointy hats so the spider might come out tomorrow so I’ll go back and check tonight Mommy is making yucky porkchops for dinner I don’t like them because they’re all dry and I know they’re gonna make me eat peas even though I HATE them… ad infinitum
That’s me!
My soon-to-be-husband and I are the DINK aunt & uncle who always bring back something for your kids when we travel, because it’s not like we don’t like kids, we just prefer them to belong to someone else.
And we let them sneak sips of our wine & beer at family functions and give them all the sugar they want when you’re not looking.
I’m the cousin who almost always forgets your birthday, doesn’t usually remember to send thank-you cards to those who’ve remembered mine, and won’t invite you over for dinner unless you invite me first.
If you remind me about your birthday, and give me some ideas about what you like, I’ll spend a great deal of time searching out that wonderful gift, and I’ll spend all day baking double chocolate triple cheesecake with ultimate fudgy topping, because I know you love it so much.
I’ll listen to your problems if you share them with me, and often give you helpful advice, but don’t wait for me to ask you how you’re doing. I’m too busy worrying about what you think about me.
I’m the funny gay nephew.
Hey, hillbilly,, how you doin’? 
I’m the quiet uncle that’s kind of an expert on a few really weird subjects (music, homebrewing, martial arts, gaming), who mostly sits in the corner and mumbles snide remarks under his breath that would actually be quite funny if anybody could hear what he was saying.
Oh, I also have the occasional party with a bunch of weird people dressed up in funny clothes who stay up late at night singing weird songs, or playing D&D or computer games. Ooh! I’ve also got four computers networked together and the neighborhood kids come over to play multiplayer games.
Geez, I sound like a stalker, don’t I?
[sub]mutter mumble heh heh heh…[/sub]
I’m the odd guy who freaks out when anyone in the neighborhood says hello, and hides in an dark apartment across the street.
I’m also the guy that is really loud in quiet places and really quiet in loud places.
I’m the ungrateful, adult child who really doesn’t like to admit I’m related to the lot of you. But I show up on weekends to do laundry because I don’t have a washer and dryer on my own and I’m too cheap to go to the laundromat.
I also eat your food while I’m waiting for my socks to dry.
I’m the gifted teenager, who could do so much more if he just applied himself. I spend most of my time locked in my room, using the computer or reading, but never really adding much to conversation when out and about.
“Patrick, darling–I’m your Auntie Mame!”
I’m the funny gay nephew’s surly boyfriend. I don’t say much, I grope him inappropriately beneath the table cloth during family meals, and spend the majority of my time outside smoking because I think it makes me look cool.
Well of course you are, who else could you be?
I’m the uncle who shows up at the family gatherings but hardly ever talks to anyone, just sits and listens to everyone else talk about themselves.
I’m the daughter in law that took years to warm up to you but now I’m pretty nice to have around.
I’m the second cousin that “went bad”, and whom the young children are warned about.
Yoo Hoo!
I’m your across-the-street neighbor. Way too fat, always too loud, with a laugh as big as the neighborhood. My hair’s too long, my clothes are too bright, and I spend far too much time just sitting in my garden reading.
House is nice, a little run down, with long windows with the shades pulled down to within a foot of the window ledge. And, in each and every window, cats sit and gaze hungrily at the pretty birdies at the bird feeders outside.
Yard is slightly overgrown and a little cluttered behind my picket fence. I’m always muttering about not being able to grow rosemary. I have a big reg dog in the yard who LOVES everyone who passes by - she only barks at the ones who don’t speak to her (her name is Tippy).
And every year, on your birthday, I bring you a home made rum cake (heavy on the rum).
Bye now!
I’m the comic relief.
[sub]Nobody else claimed it.[/sub]
I’m the hot young (but terribly modest) guy that mows your lawn and cleans your pool shirtless. Your dissatisfied wife oogles me and serves ice tea to me while you’re at work. In fact, you don’t even know I come over during the day, because your wife hired me. 
Oh, and I forgot to mention - all the numerous cousins and neighbors know about me, but they don’t tell you
I’m the Maytag repairman, in a pornographic kind of way…