In honor of thanksgiving: History of Native Americans before conquest.

History of Native Americans before conquest. In a nutshell.

Twenty thousand years ago, there was an ice age.

PALEO INDIANS: I’ve got a brilliant idea! Let’s walk across a giant snowy land bridge to reach a continent that we don’t even know exists!

Eight thousand years and a heck of a lot of frozen Paleo-Indians later…

PALEO INDIANS: Oh no! Global warming is killing off the wooly mammoths. After all, their being dead must have nothing to do with the fact that we’ve been slaughtering and eating them for eight thousand years. We’d better start an agricultural revolution and grow vegetables.


Native America started making tons of impressive cities, presumably to attract European tourists. Ironically, the Anasazis “mysteriously” disappeared just before the Europeans arrived. Yep. The Europeans just missed them. Totally a coincidence. No potential mass murder here…

According to the textbook, the Aztecs “an aggressive, warlike people” conquered a bunch of cities and “ruled by force”. The book goes on to say that “before the arrival of white settlers, Indian wars were seldom very lethal,” leading us all to wonder how violent a group has to be for the textbook writers to consider them lethal.

A few years later, Columbus attempted to sail off the edge of the world, but being the incompetent sailor that he was, missed and ended up in the Bahamas. He called the people Indians, paving the way for political correctness complications everywhere.

Not funny; trite commentary that thinks it’s rebellious despite doing nothing but making the same points that have been rammed down everyone’s throats for the past 20 years or so.

Could we have one damn Thanksgiving free from irony and self-conscious, snarky, guilt-laden remarks about how the evil white devil came and destroyed the noble Indian?

Welcome to the boards, inanut. If you want to contribute to the boards, we’re happy to have you. But don’t use this site to try to draw hits to your blog.

Where’s the fun in that? That would be like watching a David Mamet film without warped homilies with double entendre and characters not deceiving and trying to con one another.


This is going to be a great fucking Thanksgiving. Really. You sonofabitches, you better have enough turkey to go around. No man comes to a Thanksgiving dinner lest he wants to eat. Do you fucking understand me? You come without turkey, and you’re nothing! You’re a loser! You’re a fucking disgrace! You hear me, you fuckin’ faggots?

You know what it takes to roast a turkey?

It takes brass balls to roast a turkey.

“I once removed a turkey’s gibblets with a grapefruit spoon.”

“A good turkey today is better than a perfect turkey tomorrow.”

To the turkey: “You’ve had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren’t you ready?”

“You’re going to leave the stuffing, or you’re going to leave this life in your room.”

“It’s called Thanksgiving. Why? Because you give me your thanks? No. Because I give you mine.”

“This is what my people died for… the right to make a turkey in this town.”

“We must never forget that we are human, and as humans we dream, and when we dream we dream of dinner.”