So I really have to ask this, because I think my paranoia clouds things and fresh outsider views are greatly appreciated and potentially helpful.
See, the thing is, I have been in a serious relationship with a girl for nearly a year and 3-4 months. I love her enough to make many sacrifices, one of which is the hardest for many guys (or at least me), that of no sex.
We do mess around, mind you, and while I can count on two hands the number of times in the 15-16 months we have been together in which I was on the receiving end of certain ministrations, I enjoy giving even when I receive nothing in return.
That said, my GF recently graduated college with her degree in Physical Therapy. I say this only because I am certain it plays a role (not the particular degree but the level of schooling and the fact that her graduation is recent). In the last few months (a month or two before she actually graduated), I have felt a sort of rift form between us. I don’t know if it is her growing up, or her getting more distant, or what. I asked her about it, and she told me she has had a lot on her mind (she has had to study for her board exams until last weekend).
Unfortunately for me (and possibly her), our “messing around” sessions have dwindled from several times a week while she was in school, to several times a month, down to 1 time this last month. We have had several discussions and a couple fights about this topic, and her defense is as follows:
She is stressed right now and can’t get in the mood.
Vagina’s and penises are different and she can’t get in the mood at the drop of a hat. *
I put the star there, because a drop of a hat apparently is me sending flowers to her work on Friday, taking her out to a fancy dinner, complementing her profusely on her exquisite beauty (though I do that on a normal day), and taking her back home to watch a romantic movie with some wine and tasty cheese, followed by a 30-40 minute back massage and plenty of cuddling.
She talks to her Ex-Boyfriend, a guy in his mid-30’s (I am 30, she is 23), of whom she met and cheated with while with a guy she was with for 3 years. When I say she talks, well he lives out of state, but he calls 4-5 times a week and they apparently talk for 30 minutes to an hour. I think the IM each other regularly too. I am not entirely comfortable with this and she is aware of it. Which made her reluctant to tell me he was in town for the 3rd of July and wanted to meet up for her lunch break, which ended up being a dinner date. The previous weekend she barred me from visiting her on the weekend so she could catch up with her studying, only to find out she went to lunch with an “old friend” who happened to be a male.
Now, part of this all screams “cheating.” and I have confronted her on this, but she swears up and down (and is hurt at my suggestions) that she is not interested in this other guy and she is done with her Ex. Ok, I can live with that. I can even see where she wouldn’t have much time to cheat on me, as I come down ever weekend or we go to KC. She visits me from Jefferson City once or twice a week (though not when she was studying).
I have had many bad experiences in which I was cheated on, several with my (at the time) best friend, he was apparently sleeping with mine and another friends girlfriends every chance he could.
My current GF claims to be a virgin and is waiting for marriage. At 23 it isn’t impossible to believe. She is quite a looker, but is a bit of a nerd (how I like em) and sometimes quite naive, which makes me think it may not be an act, and all my thoughts are delusions of my paranoia.
But… the lack of “sex” drive… she receives, I don’t, so I don’t understand why she has lost interest. One of the big signs of cheating is just that, right? I HAVE gained 20 lbs in the last 6 months or so I’d say, well ever since Thanksgiving, but I was very skinny to begin with and she has put on equal weight, so I’m not sure that is it. I asked her about it, if she thought I was no longer attractive, but she denies it.
So am I the bad guy here? Being paranoid and confrontational? I want to trust wholeheartedly, but if she were cheating, she wouldn’t likely admit it, and would deny it as vehemently as if she weren’t. Right?
addendum: I write this after a long shift at work and a pint into trying to sleep, so if it is lacking something, feel free to ask and I will clarify. I know I am leaving out something, just can’t think of what.