In which I Pit the senders of today's mail (slightly ex-flavored)!

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Credit Card Company,

NO, I do NOT want your “checks.” I do not want to think of all the fun things I can buy. If I wanted to buy fun things, I would not have paid my balance off in full and asked you to lower my credit limit (which, I see, you have not yet done).

I see that your fine print places these checks in the same category as “cash advances,” with more interest and charges, and last in the “payoff queue.” So let me ask you a question, geniuses, why wouldn’t I just USE THE DAMN CARD?

Checks are not fun. You cannot make them fun. You cannot fun me into sending you more money. I like my money, I want to keep my money, and if I don’t want to keep my money, I will give to the actual PURVEYORS of the aforementioned fun things, rather than to you for your services as unneccessary middleman.

Fuck you very much,

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup
Dear ex’s mom’s law school’s financial aid department,
Ummmmm… what the fuck are you doing?

This is the third letter you’ve sent me informing me that my financial aid data is incomplete. Which is odd. Every other school to which I applied had no trouble with it at all. The school to which I am actually GOING had no trouble with it at all.

I’m not sure if you realize this, but you are what’s known as a “fourth-tier” school. You were my super-safety. You are ranked somewhere between 150 and 182 of the 182 ABA-certified law schools. My LSAT score puts me in the top one percent of your applicants. In short, you’re not a very good school.

I know you weren’t looking for it, but, in my essay, I coded the reason I was applying to your school- simply to say “I’m too good for you, school of my bitchy ex’s mother who says I’m not good enough for her.” It’s in there.

Schools that are ranked in the top seventy-five, EMLSFAD, didn’t even look at my financial statements before offering me full rides. Full. Fucking. Rides. And you, Bottom of the Pickle Barrel School of Law, are nitpicking over whether to include my defined-benefit pension plan (which I can’t touch until I’m 65) as income for 2004?

I think someone needs a reminder here. Me- Johnny Football Hero. You- Cindy-Lou Ugly from the back of the class. If we’re going on a date, Cindy, don’t insist that I MUST wear fuschia and you’ll DIE if we don’t go to Olive Garden. Remember the thing about the gift horses.

Anyway, I’m going to a first-tier school.
Fuck you very much too,

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup

Dear State of New Jersey Department of the Treasury- Taxation Division,
You mean I DON’T get money back under the Homestead Rebate Act?

Because I filed late?

I wonder, if I file an appeal, will you ever figure out that I don’t qualify for the damn rebate anyway?

I don’t want your stinking rebate. Sure, I’d like free money, but you’d likely notice the error 25 years from now and repossess me when I actually DO have a house. So please, stop. I have never qualified for your rebate, I have never wished to apply for your rebate, I do not wish to appeal being denied your rebate.

If you’d like to help, please send me a copy of your tax forms with the check-box (or what have you that causes me to apply for your rebate) highlighted, so that I can be sure to NOT check it (or what have you) next year.
Yours in polite please-don’t-audit-me confusion,.
**
Happy Scrappy Hero Pup**
Dear Concerned Citizens,

I haven’t seen this person, nor do I need an oil change, although five dollars off would be quite the incentive if I did.

Sorry, and thanks for the offer, respectively,

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup

2

Why would people use these checks instead of the credit card itself?

3

WAG. ATM’s will only dispense a certain amout of money at a time. If you need a thousand bucks, you can go cash the check at a bank.

But it is even better for the bank sending you the checks. Most of the time those checks carry the highest interest rate allowed by law, and usually have a 3% transaction fee on the amount the check.

4

My guess is because one out of every 1000 or so people will be too stupid to understand that the interest is jacked through the roof on those things and use them to buy a ATV or camper shell or something.

Before someone pops in to call me a bigot, I’ll add …or a couple of cases of Cabernet or season tickets to the opera or something.

5

To pay off balances from other cards. (If you’ve got 3 of these places sending you checks, you can put them all off for a while. Not really recommended, but if you’re in dire straights…) To pay for services from stores which do not accept credit cards. To make purchases from private parties.

6

At the bookstore where I work, we have a woman who pays with nothing but these credit card checks.

$200.00 purchase? Credit card check.
$20.00 purchase? Credit card check.
$2.00 purchase? Guess. Go on, guess.

7

I feed those checks to my paper shredder. It needs its nourishment.

8

At first I thought you were talking about the checks for nominal amounts - $2.00-10.00 that banks and credit card companies send as incentive to enroll in their credit-protection-plan-du-jour.

In the fine print on the back of the check (which you’ll never see again if you do deposit it) you are given the 1-800 number to call to cancel the “service.”

If you don’t, you get gouged for some ridiculous amount of money. There must be a circle in hell for the person who dreamed that promotion up.

I actually used the credit card check - I need my roof replaced after it developed a very severe hole (right after the house was listed and on the market). I didn’t have the cash to pay the roofer and he wasn’t set up to take credit cards, so I wrote him a check. It did show up on the statement as a cash advance.

9

These checks make me want to go completely Tyler Durden. What if somebody steals one out of your mailbox? It happened to me once (except it was with a refund check, not a “convenience :rolleyes: check”). The thief took it to an eminently reputable (:rolleyes: again) check cashing place and walked away with about $1500 of my money. I did get the money back after several weeks - apparently the bank’s investigation satisfied them that I wasn’t the one to cash the check - but it was still a big nuisance.

And that was a check made out to me! The “convenience checks” aren’t even that secure. How easy would it be for a thief to use it if he managed to steal one? Don’t want these “STEAL FROM ME, PLEASE!” coupons floating around out there? Do what I did and cancel all your credit cards. You’re better off without them anyway.

10

I recently started getting those too, and my solution seems to be the same as everyone else: shred them to pieces and off to the landfill with ya’! I have a friend who said it best:

“The debit card is one of the best innovations. It’s the convenience of a credit card, but with the functionality of a check. No interest, no large balances to pay off. The best of both worlds! These ‘convenience checks’ are the exact opposite! The hassle of a check, with the huge interest of a credit card!”

11

I got pleas from Financial Aid offices of schools I got into and wrote stating I was giong elsewhere, well into 2L year, actually. Eventually I stopped responding.

12

Speaking of law schools, Happy Scrappy, have you made your decision on which one you’re going to?

13

Sorry, Billdo, but BC it was.

They just did everything right. It’s going to be a good fit for me.

14

Well, good luck at BC, then. I’ve heard nice things about the school, and known some very good lawyers who were alumni. If they seem to be a good fit for you, that’s the move to make.

15

Your ex’s mom has her own law school?